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Does Detachment = No Contact?
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 623492" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Oh Stress Bunny, I am so sorry you are in this place today with your son. I have definitely been there done that. So much of the specific instances you write about sound like my difficult child over the past four years plus the same attitudes.</p><p></p><p>A few thoughts.</p><p></p><p>Everything you are feeling is so normal. Confusion, pain, depression, stress, fear, resentment, anger, despair. Feel them all because they are real and they are your feelings.</p><p></p><p>Then, the best and most promising thing you wrote is that you and husband are both ready to stop. At the same time. What a great thing that is, Stress Bunny. Often, one parent is ready and the other isn't. It is a blessing that you both are ready now.</p><p></p><p>The next step is what does stopping look like? It will likely look different for you, different for husband and different for each one of us. We have been writing about that on another thread.</p><p></p><p>To my ex-husband, detachment right now means very little to no contact, except for specific requests.</p><p></p><p>To my easy child, detachment from difficult child means no contact.</p><p></p><p>To me, it means limited contact. </p><p></p><p>I am respecting my own self and listening to myself about what that contact needs to be. I am also giving that same respect to my easy child son and to my ex-husband. They are doing what they need to do and decide to do. That is none of my business.</p><p></p><p>My difficult child has been out of jail and homeless since Feb. 14. At first, he was knocking on my door in the middle of the night and calling and texting and wanting me to do it all for him. I had to be very very clear and limit our contact drastically to one hour a week by phone---Saturdays between 10 and 11 a.m. he could call me and we would talk for 10 minutes. </p><p></p><p>Little by little that has loosened up. It then went to FB messages. I could respond if and when I wanted to, or not. Now he has a phone (via food stamps) and he texts me and calls me periodically. I can again respond or not. Sometimes I answer the call and sometimes I let it go to vm. Sometimes I wait to answer a text.</p><p></p><p>I hear from him a couple of times a week and I am seeing him for about 10 minutes a week. Last week I didn't see him at all. The week before I saw him twice. </p><p></p><p>I am going very very slowly and staying out of his business and out of his way as much as I humanly can. I am being very careful with what I say and what I do. </p><p></p><p>Right now, I need to limit my time with him because the longer he is homeless, the more I am not getting that. It is hard for me to fathom. While I am learning to accept his choices, I am still judging them. I am working on that, Stress Bunny.</p><p></p><p>Turn the energy and the focus and the time and the money and the emotion from him onto yourself. Start a plan and a program every day for yourself that includes good healthy habits, whatever you determine those to be. Start doing good and kind things for yourself---little things and big things. </p><p></p><p>We must learn to be kind to ourselves, to value ourselves as much as we value other people, before we can develop kindness and compassion for them. </p><p></p><p>Let your difficult child go. Let him go, Stress Bunny. He is 20 years old. He is an adult. He is making his own choices, whatever they are.</p><p></p><p>There is no rulebook that says other people---even our children whom we love more than our own lives---have to do things our way or even society's way. They will have to face and live with the consequences if they do not.</p><p></p><p>My son has been in jail multiple times. He has felonies. This is his fourth time to be homeless. </p><p></p><p>He is also a good person. Today, when we are together, he is more thoughtful. He is more quiet. There is no victim behavior. There is no anger. I do my very best not to ask questions and just to sit, be with him, listen to him, accept whatever he says, and then hug him and say I love him. He says and does the same. I don't give him any money. I have bought him socks.</p><p></p><p>I hope this helps, Stress Bunny. Start your own daily habits like these: writing here, reading here, reading books like Boundaries by Cloud/Townsend, CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie, write a gratitude list, exercise, meditate, cook something healthy, take a walk, buy some flowers, take a nap. </p><p></p><p>There is peace on the other side.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 623492, member: 17542"] Oh Stress Bunny, I am so sorry you are in this place today with your son. I have definitely been there done that. So much of the specific instances you write about sound like my difficult child over the past four years plus the same attitudes. A few thoughts. Everything you are feeling is so normal. Confusion, pain, depression, stress, fear, resentment, anger, despair. Feel them all because they are real and they are your feelings. Then, the best and most promising thing you wrote is that you and husband are both ready to stop. At the same time. What a great thing that is, Stress Bunny. Often, one parent is ready and the other isn't. It is a blessing that you both are ready now. The next step is what does stopping look like? It will likely look different for you, different for husband and different for each one of us. We have been writing about that on another thread. To my ex-husband, detachment right now means very little to no contact, except for specific requests. To my easy child, detachment from difficult child means no contact. To me, it means limited contact. I am respecting my own self and listening to myself about what that contact needs to be. I am also giving that same respect to my easy child son and to my ex-husband. They are doing what they need to do and decide to do. That is none of my business. My difficult child has been out of jail and homeless since Feb. 14. At first, he was knocking on my door in the middle of the night and calling and texting and wanting me to do it all for him. I had to be very very clear and limit our contact drastically to one hour a week by phone---Saturdays between 10 and 11 a.m. he could call me and we would talk for 10 minutes. Little by little that has loosened up. It then went to FB messages. I could respond if and when I wanted to, or not. Now he has a phone (via food stamps) and he texts me and calls me periodically. I can again respond or not. Sometimes I answer the call and sometimes I let it go to vm. Sometimes I wait to answer a text. I hear from him a couple of times a week and I am seeing him for about 10 minutes a week. Last week I didn't see him at all. The week before I saw him twice. I am going very very slowly and staying out of his business and out of his way as much as I humanly can. I am being very careful with what I say and what I do. Right now, I need to limit my time with him because the longer he is homeless, the more I am not getting that. It is hard for me to fathom. While I am learning to accept his choices, I am still judging them. I am working on that, Stress Bunny. Turn the energy and the focus and the time and the money and the emotion from him onto yourself. Start a plan and a program every day for yourself that includes good healthy habits, whatever you determine those to be. Start doing good and kind things for yourself---little things and big things. We must learn to be kind to ourselves, to value ourselves as much as we value other people, before we can develop kindness and compassion for them. Let your difficult child go. Let him go, Stress Bunny. He is 20 years old. He is an adult. He is making his own choices, whatever they are. There is no rulebook that says other people---even our children whom we love more than our own lives---have to do things our way or even society's way. They will have to face and live with the consequences if they do not. My son has been in jail multiple times. He has felonies. This is his fourth time to be homeless. He is also a good person. Today, when we are together, he is more thoughtful. He is more quiet. There is no victim behavior. There is no anger. I do my very best not to ask questions and just to sit, be with him, listen to him, accept whatever he says, and then hug him and say I love him. He says and does the same. I don't give him any money. I have bought him socks. I hope this helps, Stress Bunny. Start your own daily habits like these: writing here, reading here, reading books like Boundaries by Cloud/Townsend, CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie, write a gratitude list, exercise, meditate, cook something healthy, take a walk, buy some flowers, take a nap. There is peace on the other side. [/QUOTE]
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