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Does Detachment = No Contact?
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<blockquote data-quote="Stress Bunny" data-source="post: 623534" data-attributes="member: 4855"><p>MWM, thanks for explaining how detachment is working in your family, and it sounds like it is working alright. Protecting your mental health is so very important, and I realize that I am rather consumed by all of this drama with JT. It is really hard to get a call from the police department. So many things go through a mother's mind as to why they might be calling. Of course, JT has no concern for this whatsoever. I can relate to the hang-up phone conversations. I have had to tell JT more than once to stop swearing or I would hang up, and that I have done plenty of times. He is very provocative in that he knows how to anger people, and it takes a great deal of self control to respond properly to the things he says.</p><p></p><p>We have house rules too, and having violated those very simple rules of respect for self, property, and others, JT didn't last two weeks with us on the most recent occasion he came. If he is to visit us in our home now, I do not want him to bring in cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, guns, or knives. We have a young child at home yet with an autism spectrum disorder, so we especially choose not to have these things in the house. But I guess that is too much to ask. JT told me he HAD to have this enormous knife (read machete) on him at all times in order to respond to a potential fire call (he was on the volunteer fire dept., but pretends he's full-time to anyone who doesn't know better), and that if I didn't let him have the knife, I would be potentially responsible for someone's death. Now, that is ridiculous, but in JT's fantasy world, he speaks the truth, and no one can tell him otherwise. These are the dumb power struggles I am sick and tired of going through. </p><p></p><p>I am glad he is an adult now in many ways, because now if he refuses to respect our wishes in our own home, he will be asked to leave. The trouble is that when we see him, it only takes a matter of minutes for something to come up that is challenging. It is constant because of JT's personality. These traits have been present his entire life, and they seem quite hopelessly ingrained in his attitudes and behaviors. </p><p></p><p>So, for now, visits or phone conversations or even text messages would have to be very short and very superficial and completely advice-free. Yet, I still feel like I need a break from him for awhile, since this recent jail episode. Maybe I will feel like talking to him at some point, but for my own wellbeing, I need some distance right now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Stress Bunny, post: 623534, member: 4855"] MWM, thanks for explaining how detachment is working in your family, and it sounds like it is working alright. Protecting your mental health is so very important, and I realize that I am rather consumed by all of this drama with JT. It is really hard to get a call from the police department. So many things go through a mother's mind as to why they might be calling. Of course, JT has no concern for this whatsoever. I can relate to the hang-up phone conversations. I have had to tell JT more than once to stop swearing or I would hang up, and that I have done plenty of times. He is very provocative in that he knows how to anger people, and it takes a great deal of self control to respond properly to the things he says. We have house rules too, and having violated those very simple rules of respect for self, property, and others, JT didn't last two weeks with us on the most recent occasion he came. If he is to visit us in our home now, I do not want him to bring in cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, guns, or knives. We have a young child at home yet with an autism spectrum disorder, so we especially choose not to have these things in the house. But I guess that is too much to ask. JT told me he HAD to have this enormous knife (read machete) on him at all times in order to respond to a potential fire call (he was on the volunteer fire dept., but pretends he's full-time to anyone who doesn't know better), and that if I didn't let him have the knife, I would be potentially responsible for someone's death. Now, that is ridiculous, but in JT's fantasy world, he speaks the truth, and no one can tell him otherwise. These are the dumb power struggles I am sick and tired of going through. I am glad he is an adult now in many ways, because now if he refuses to respect our wishes in our own home, he will be asked to leave. The trouble is that when we see him, it only takes a matter of minutes for something to come up that is challenging. It is constant because of JT's personality. These traits have been present his entire life, and they seem quite hopelessly ingrained in his attitudes and behaviors. So, for now, visits or phone conversations or even text messages would have to be very short and very superficial and completely advice-free. Yet, I still feel like I need a break from him for awhile, since this recent jail episode. Maybe I will feel like talking to him at some point, but for my own wellbeing, I need some distance right now. [/QUOTE]
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