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Don't think I can do it anymore.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 696546" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Zin and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry. Bipolar disorder coupled with substance abuse is such a hard diagnosis. I don't know how long his substance abuse has been going on, but during my son's 6-year "train wreck" all of the experts told me that there was no way to diagnose any kind of mental illness until the substance abuse had been successfully treated. Today my son shows mild anxiety but nothing more in terms of mental illness. That may not apply to your son, but wanted to share that. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>So....what to do? There has been some progress with him living at home, like you said, in terms of the violence. </p><p></p><p>Here is what I did---and this may or may not be what you want to do or can do. I had to completely let go of my son. I had to establish boundaries---and he immediately went way past those---and then I had to do what I said I would do if he went past them. He had to leave. It was very very hard to do and to endure. Once my son stole from me---and he did---that was a deal breaker. I couldn't live in my own home with him and breathe easy for a single minute. My ex-husband---his dad---came to the same conclusion. Our son stole from him as well.</p><p></p><p>They steal to support their substance abuse habit, and it is not personal. It has nothing to do with you or me. They will do what they have to do to get their substances. Period. It doesn't matter who it is or what it is. </p><p></p><p>Our son was homeless multiple times---in between homelessness he would be in jail, couch surfing or in rehab or a halfway house. He didn't come back here (after dozens of chances) at all during this period of time. My exhusband took longer to set that same boundary because he had a lot of guilt about our son due to his own alcoholism (now in recovery). </p><p></p><p>In my humble opinion, the more we enable their behavior that you describe, which amounts to no change and little to no progress, the more we are hurting them. In fact, I came to believe that my so-called "help" was killing my son.</p><p></p><p>Now...please understand...watching him live on the street was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. Listening to him beg to come home. Watching him go in and out of jail. Listening to his threats of suicide. Seeing him high and lying on the ground. On and on. It was almost intolerable. </p><p></p><p>I say "almost intolerable" because I had to work and work and work to get to the point that I could tolerate that kind of pain, watching someone I love self-destruct. But I had come to the point over many years of realizing that nothing I had ever tried to do had helped at all. I had to completely let go. This was a spiritual, mental, emotional and even physical process for me that took a long time to get to.</p><p></p><p>There are people that don't agree with this approach, and I respect that. But I will tell you that, in the midst of the pain of it all, there was a relief and a certain kind of peace that came with letting go. Not just of him, but all people, places and things. I learned most of this in Al-Anon and I would recommend you start going as soon as you can. It's free, and it is a lifesaver.</p><p></p><p>Please know we are here with you, no matter what you decide to do. We understand that this is a process, and it's the hardest thing in the world. We get it. We care. We're here for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 696546, member: 17542"] Hi Zin and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry. Bipolar disorder coupled with substance abuse is such a hard diagnosis. I don't know how long his substance abuse has been going on, but during my son's 6-year "train wreck" all of the experts told me that there was no way to diagnose any kind of mental illness until the substance abuse had been successfully treated. Today my son shows mild anxiety but nothing more in terms of mental illness. That may not apply to your son, but wanted to share that. So....what to do? There has been some progress with him living at home, like you said, in terms of the violence. Here is what I did---and this may or may not be what you want to do or can do. I had to completely let go of my son. I had to establish boundaries---and he immediately went way past those---and then I had to do what I said I would do if he went past them. He had to leave. It was very very hard to do and to endure. Once my son stole from me---and he did---that was a deal breaker. I couldn't live in my own home with him and breathe easy for a single minute. My ex-husband---his dad---came to the same conclusion. Our son stole from him as well. They steal to support their substance abuse habit, and it is not personal. It has nothing to do with you or me. They will do what they have to do to get their substances. Period. It doesn't matter who it is or what it is. Our son was homeless multiple times---in between homelessness he would be in jail, couch surfing or in rehab or a halfway house. He didn't come back here (after dozens of chances) at all during this period of time. My exhusband took longer to set that same boundary because he had a lot of guilt about our son due to his own alcoholism (now in recovery). In my humble opinion, the more we enable their behavior that you describe, which amounts to no change and little to no progress, the more we are hurting them. In fact, I came to believe that my so-called "help" was killing my son. Now...please understand...watching him live on the street was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. Listening to him beg to come home. Watching him go in and out of jail. Listening to his threats of suicide. Seeing him high and lying on the ground. On and on. It was almost intolerable. I say "almost intolerable" because I had to work and work and work to get to the point that I could tolerate that kind of pain, watching someone I love self-destruct. But I had come to the point over many years of realizing that nothing I had ever tried to do had helped at all. I had to completely let go. This was a spiritual, mental, emotional and even physical process for me that took a long time to get to. There are people that don't agree with this approach, and I respect that. But I will tell you that, in the midst of the pain of it all, there was a relief and a certain kind of peace that came with letting go. Not just of him, but all people, places and things. I learned most of this in Al-Anon and I would recommend you start going as soon as you can. It's free, and it is a lifesaver. Please know we are here with you, no matter what you decide to do. We understand that this is a process, and it's the hardest thing in the world. We get it. We care. We're here for you. [/QUOTE]
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