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Substance Abuse
Emergency custody order, didn't go as planned.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 631189" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi and I"m sorry you are in this place that so many of us have been in.</p><p></p><p>What do you think you should do next? Is he out of high school? Even if he's not, he is not a child at all anymore, but legally an adult and everything he does is his choice and on his head. There is very little you can do unlesshe himself wants to get help and wants you a part of his recovery.</p><p></p><p>Cocaine is a serious drug, one that my daughter used. I would put college on the backburner right now if he is using stuff that heavy and maybe some that don't show up on drug tests. At least, I wouldn't pay for him to go to college or support him in a dorm with my money at all until he is straight. He won't make it one semester with his drug habit. Many of us have tried it only to lose any money we contributed to the college attempt. Lat thing he needs is a dorm with no supervision and nonstop parties. He will gravitate to them.</p><p></p><p>Since he is eighteen, you and your husband CAN get counseling with somebody to learn how to cope and focus more on yourselves and take good care of yourself, but your son's sessions, if he goes, will be private. And many of our adult children will not go.</p><p></p><p>Bottom line is, you can't fix him unless he comes to you willingly asking you to help him find ways to help himself, in which I'd be very supportive. Other than that...right now, today, he is who he is. There is nothing you CAN do but accept it since we can not change another person. We have 0% control over others, even our adult children, but we have 100% over ourselves and how we choose to handle our problems and live our lives and many of us live good lives even as your adult children mess up theirs. Also, a significant number of our difficult children, do straighten out because they CHOOSE to do so, not because we nag, not because we push them to go to rehab, and not because we feel sorry for them and let them live at home, feed them money, and try to lift their self-esteem. We can't. They have to do it. Let GFs parents take on this burden for now. They will probably get tired of it, but he's there for now. One day at a time.</p><p></p><p>Your son needs to decide to work on first of all the drug abuse and he has to take this trip alone, then he needs to realize he needs a lot of hard working therapy for his anger. Do you have other kids? If he rages, he is a danger to you and anyone else living there. I personally would not allow that sort of verbal diarrhea and lack of working and job abuse to live in my house. To me, the more uncomfortable they are with their lives, the more apt they are to change them. At least that is how I feel and what I've experienced.</p><p></p><p>The money train should be cut off completely. You are not The Bank. The longer we feel bad and feed them money, the more they abuse us and act ungrateful and stay adult children in their minds. Often the money doesn't go to what they claim it's for but to drugs. Cutting off the money supply in my opinion is the most important step parents can take in helping their adult children learn to take care of themselves, and it does hurt to say "no" but say "no" we must, and with conviction. The adult children do tend to have money. We may never know where it's from, it may be from illegal sources, but they do tend to survive quit well. If we support their drug habits by giving them rent money (drug money), food money (drug money) or cigarette money (silly because they don't get better by smoking cigarettes, they are expensive and they DO NOT help your adult abstain from other drug use)....we are actually helping them buy drugs or use the money in ways we didn't mean it to be spent. If you must pay something pay directly to the utility company or landlord. Do not put one penny in your grown man's hands. Know where your money goes, if you feel you have to help in some way. I feel it's better not to help at all, but that's me and we're all different.</p><p></p><p>Of course you miss that child you loved before he became a drug user, but that's not who he is now, and if you have a nine year old, it is time to focus on him. Too often our difficult children suck up all our oxygen and nobody gets attention but them. Your son is a young adult (the 18-21 adult category). Your little boy is a child. He needs you more than your older son. And perhaps you and your SO can get closer and start having fun.</p><p></p><p>Your life is precious, and maybe if you went to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon or NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) or a private therapist for YOU...or maybe all of them...you can learn how others move on in spite of similar problems and can actually enjoy your lives. Let your son figure out what to do with his life. As long as you enable his behavior, in my opinion he is unlikely to think about changing it.</p><p></p><p>Hugs for your sad, hurting mommy heart. We care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 631189, member: 1550"] Hi and I"m sorry you are in this place that so many of us have been in. What do you think you should do next? Is he out of high school? Even if he's not, he is not a child at all anymore, but legally an adult and everything he does is his choice and on his head. There is very little you can do unlesshe himself wants to get help and wants you a part of his recovery. Cocaine is a serious drug, one that my daughter used. I would put college on the backburner right now if he is using stuff that heavy and maybe some that don't show up on drug tests. At least, I wouldn't pay for him to go to college or support him in a dorm with my money at all until he is straight. He won't make it one semester with his drug habit. Many of us have tried it only to lose any money we contributed to the college attempt. Lat thing he needs is a dorm with no supervision and nonstop parties. He will gravitate to them. Since he is eighteen, you and your husband CAN get counseling with somebody to learn how to cope and focus more on yourselves and take good care of yourself, but your son's sessions, if he goes, will be private. And many of our adult children will not go. Bottom line is, you can't fix him unless he comes to you willingly asking you to help him find ways to help himself, in which I'd be very supportive. Other than that...right now, today, he is who he is. There is nothing you CAN do but accept it since we can not change another person. We have 0% control over others, even our adult children, but we have 100% over ourselves and how we choose to handle our problems and live our lives and many of us live good lives even as your adult children mess up theirs. Also, a significant number of our difficult children, do straighten out because they CHOOSE to do so, not because we nag, not because we push them to go to rehab, and not because we feel sorry for them and let them live at home, feed them money, and try to lift their self-esteem. We can't. They have to do it. Let GFs parents take on this burden for now. They will probably get tired of it, but he's there for now. One day at a time. Your son needs to decide to work on first of all the drug abuse and he has to take this trip alone, then he needs to realize he needs a lot of hard working therapy for his anger. Do you have other kids? If he rages, he is a danger to you and anyone else living there. I personally would not allow that sort of verbal diarrhea and lack of working and job abuse to live in my house. To me, the more uncomfortable they are with their lives, the more apt they are to change them. At least that is how I feel and what I've experienced. The money train should be cut off completely. You are not The Bank. The longer we feel bad and feed them money, the more they abuse us and act ungrateful and stay adult children in their minds. Often the money doesn't go to what they claim it's for but to drugs. Cutting off the money supply in my opinion is the most important step parents can take in helping their adult children learn to take care of themselves, and it does hurt to say "no" but say "no" we must, and with conviction. The adult children do tend to have money. We may never know where it's from, it may be from illegal sources, but they do tend to survive quit well. If we support their drug habits by giving them rent money (drug money), food money (drug money) or cigarette money (silly because they don't get better by smoking cigarettes, they are expensive and they DO NOT help your adult abstain from other drug use)....we are actually helping them buy drugs or use the money in ways we didn't mean it to be spent. If you must pay something pay directly to the utility company or landlord. Do not put one penny in your grown man's hands. Know where your money goes, if you feel you have to help in some way. I feel it's better not to help at all, but that's me and we're all different. Of course you miss that child you loved before he became a drug user, but that's not who he is now, and if you have a nine year old, it is time to focus on him. Too often our difficult children suck up all our oxygen and nobody gets attention but them. Your son is a young adult (the 18-21 adult category). Your little boy is a child. He needs you more than your older son. And perhaps you and your SO can get closer and start having fun. Your life is precious, and maybe if you went to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon or NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) or a private therapist for YOU...or maybe all of them...you can learn how others move on in spite of similar problems and can actually enjoy your lives. Let your son figure out what to do with his life. As long as you enable his behavior, in my opinion he is unlikely to think about changing it. Hugs for your sad, hurting mommy heart. We care. [/QUOTE]
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