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Emotions all over the place
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<blockquote data-quote="strangeworld" data-source="post: 735520" data-attributes="member: 22313"><p>Copa, so much of what you said is how I feel too. Being a former drinker, and a blackout reckless angry drinker, it terrifies me seeing my daughter like this. I started around 18 when I was in a band. It lowered my inhibitions but it also ultimately took me from the music I so loved. There is a shame so deep when you realize how close you were to death many times, how selfish the disease is. How stupid I was when drunk and clueless. All these feelings that have resurfaced as I watch my daughter go down a black hole that she might not ever climb out of is terrifying. Then again, she has a strong will. I try to tell myself the cliche we are not defined by our past.</p><p></p><p>I also felt redeemed when I became a mother. A wholesomeness and innocence I had not felt in a long time came with motherhood...a chance to give of my good, authentic self to my daughter and then my son. I had not told my daughter about my drinking past until last summer when it came tumbling out into a text after she raged at me...police came...and then she left. I told her I can't handle alcohol. Told her about my DUI and my two weekends in jail. Told her how I knew I had to stop for good. And then I told her I didn't want to witness another person I love (her) be destroyed by the ravages of alcohol. My husband drinks on the weekends if we go out and knowing our past, his family's history of alcohol abuse and tragic ending to his parents' and sister's lives, it scares me. When they say in al-anon that alcoholism is an incurable and often fatal disease, I believe it. But I am powerless over it and others. </p><p></p><p>I'm trying to focus on the good. Trying to remember to be grateful for the things in my life that are good and well....and there is a lot of good. Just hard to see when I feel so lacking in spirit these days. </p><p></p><p>Wishing everyone here on this forum and our loved ones peace.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="strangeworld, post: 735520, member: 22313"] Copa, so much of what you said is how I feel too. Being a former drinker, and a blackout reckless angry drinker, it terrifies me seeing my daughter like this. I started around 18 when I was in a band. It lowered my inhibitions but it also ultimately took me from the music I so loved. There is a shame so deep when you realize how close you were to death many times, how selfish the disease is. How stupid I was when drunk and clueless. All these feelings that have resurfaced as I watch my daughter go down a black hole that she might not ever climb out of is terrifying. Then again, she has a strong will. I try to tell myself the cliche we are not defined by our past. I also felt redeemed when I became a mother. A wholesomeness and innocence I had not felt in a long time came with motherhood...a chance to give of my good, authentic self to my daughter and then my son. I had not told my daughter about my drinking past until last summer when it came tumbling out into a text after she raged at me...police came...and then she left. I told her I can't handle alcohol. Told her about my DUI and my two weekends in jail. Told her how I knew I had to stop for good. And then I told her I didn't want to witness another person I love (her) be destroyed by the ravages of alcohol. My husband drinks on the weekends if we go out and knowing our past, his family's history of alcohol abuse and tragic ending to his parents' and sister's lives, it scares me. When they say in al-anon that alcoholism is an incurable and often fatal disease, I believe it. But I am powerless over it and others. I'm trying to focus on the good. Trying to remember to be grateful for the things in my life that are good and well....and there is a lot of good. Just hard to see when I feel so lacking in spirit these days. Wishing everyone here on this forum and our loved ones peace. [/QUOTE]
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