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Substance Abuse
end of my rope
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 377901" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>You and your wife BOTH need to start attending Narc Anon or Al Anon. Even though Al Anon says alcohol, the 12 steps are the same basic steps no matter where you go and you will be equally welcome at either one. If wife won't go, go without her. There will be groups near work and home, in the evening, on weekends, at lunchtime, and at other times. At first you need to go to several meetings at different times to find a couple that are a good fit for you. Then go as often as possible to the meetings. & in 7 days is a great thing to shoot for, esp at first. </p><p> </p><p>You MUST stop covering things up for the PO. Regardless of why you have done it, it is wrong. If it is to help difficult child, the result of covering is that he is sliding into his bad habits and addictions even more and it will take even more to get out. And it is HIS life you are destroying when you cover things up for the PO. You may keep him out of juvie, but you also let him have freedom to go use whatever substances he wants. If your wife is religious, you can tell her that when you cover up for difficult child you are lying, and it violates one of the ten commandments, if nothing else.</p><p> </p><p>It can come to the point where you have to make it a matter of keeping you in the home or keeping difficult child. You have no way of knowing which way she will choose, so I urge you to not do that, at least not right away. First you should both go to AlAnon, together and separately. If she won't go, go without her. You also need to be getting some marriage counselling. You may want to see a priest or reverend or religious counselor instead of a regular therapist. That is okay. just make sure that whomever you see has experience with addiction and codependence. What you are doing, sheltering difficult child no matter what, is partly due to codependence. A good therapist can help with this. IF you want it.</p><p> </p><p>As for it costing you, how much is it costing you to have difficult child at home? I would bet you are going to end up losing more than $15,000 in a year to his drug habit. He is going to steal, even steal checks from you, and from everyone he comes into contact with. </p><p> </p><p>I also hate to tell you this, but there is almost NO WAY that he is just using marijuana. It is incredibly rare for an addict to use only marijuana. It starts that way, but addicts do NOT just stop with marijuana. I would bet that there are signs of other drugs all around. </p><p> </p><p>You can press charges for property damage if he puts holes in walls, for theft if he takes stuff, etc... Pursueing ALL of that will help get him to a place he can get help sooner. It may push him away from you, which could be very good in some ways. I am sure you have heard that he has to "hit bottom" before he will turn it around. Bottom isn't the same for everyone. Bottom for him sure won't be what you and your wife expect it to be, probably not by a long shot. Depending on how dependent your wife is on him, she may have to have some drastic things done before she sees she needs to change also. You sound like you are at the point where you are DONE covering for him. Your wife is still not there, from the sounds of it. She is hooked on him - wanting to be able to make him okay in some way. If she can see him there at least she knows he is okay, that kind of thing. If she gives him money then he won't get hurt when he steals, it is that sort of thinking. It may come to the point that you cut off her access to any monies you earn, even if you live there. Before you take drastic steps like that, go see a therapist first, and go to some meetings. Take her if it is at all possible to get her there.</p><p> </p><p>I am sorry it is so hard.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 377901, member: 1233"] You and your wife BOTH need to start attending Narc Anon or Al Anon. Even though Al Anon says alcohol, the 12 steps are the same basic steps no matter where you go and you will be equally welcome at either one. If wife won't go, go without her. There will be groups near work and home, in the evening, on weekends, at lunchtime, and at other times. At first you need to go to several meetings at different times to find a couple that are a good fit for you. Then go as often as possible to the meetings. & in 7 days is a great thing to shoot for, esp at first. You MUST stop covering things up for the PO. Regardless of why you have done it, it is wrong. If it is to help difficult child, the result of covering is that he is sliding into his bad habits and addictions even more and it will take even more to get out. And it is HIS life you are destroying when you cover things up for the PO. You may keep him out of juvie, but you also let him have freedom to go use whatever substances he wants. If your wife is religious, you can tell her that when you cover up for difficult child you are lying, and it violates one of the ten commandments, if nothing else. It can come to the point where you have to make it a matter of keeping you in the home or keeping difficult child. You have no way of knowing which way she will choose, so I urge you to not do that, at least not right away. First you should both go to AlAnon, together and separately. If she won't go, go without her. You also need to be getting some marriage counselling. You may want to see a priest or reverend or religious counselor instead of a regular therapist. That is okay. just make sure that whomever you see has experience with addiction and codependence. What you are doing, sheltering difficult child no matter what, is partly due to codependence. A good therapist can help with this. IF you want it. As for it costing you, how much is it costing you to have difficult child at home? I would bet you are going to end up losing more than $15,000 in a year to his drug habit. He is going to steal, even steal checks from you, and from everyone he comes into contact with. I also hate to tell you this, but there is almost NO WAY that he is just using marijuana. It is incredibly rare for an addict to use only marijuana. It starts that way, but addicts do NOT just stop with marijuana. I would bet that there are signs of other drugs all around. You can press charges for property damage if he puts holes in walls, for theft if he takes stuff, etc... Pursueing ALL of that will help get him to a place he can get help sooner. It may push him away from you, which could be very good in some ways. I am sure you have heard that he has to "hit bottom" before he will turn it around. Bottom isn't the same for everyone. Bottom for him sure won't be what you and your wife expect it to be, probably not by a long shot. Depending on how dependent your wife is on him, she may have to have some drastic things done before she sees she needs to change also. You sound like you are at the point where you are DONE covering for him. Your wife is still not there, from the sounds of it. She is hooked on him - wanting to be able to make him okay in some way. If she can see him there at least she knows he is okay, that kind of thing. If she gives him money then he won't get hurt when he steals, it is that sort of thinking. It may come to the point that you cut off her access to any monies you earn, even if you live there. Before you take drastic steps like that, go see a therapist first, and go to some meetings. Take her if it is at all possible to get her there. I am sorry it is so hard. [/QUOTE]
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