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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 746181" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Oh dear Copa. You are too kind and give me way too much credit.</p><p></p><p>I spent much of my life thinking that because my mother didn't love me I was not lovable. Who has a mother who, with no love at all and for no serious reason, tosses one child out of her life?</p><p></p><p> Grown kids on this site do horrible things to their parents, verbally and physically abuse them, steal from them, break into their homes, threaten harm, etc and the soft loving mother heart still loves. So why did my mother duscard duscard me? Yes we had verbal fights but they were not lethal. They were fixable. To a normal parent. To me.</p><p></p><p>I tried to literally grovel for forgiveness and got none. She even refused to know my dear children.</p><p></p><p>Plus I struggled so badly with learnig disabilities, a mood disorder and terrible anxiety that I didnt know where to look to find self esteem.</p><p></p><p>If your motjer doesnt love you, nobody will love you. I heard this once and it stuck. My first husband and myself had a horrible relationship u til we divorced lol.</p><p></p><p> I wad fortunate enough to have two BFFs and the most understanding, loving grandmother savior on earth to love me so much that I had the energy to fight for me against my mother, my awful sister and a creepy uncle who was in my life more than I needed him there.</p><p></p><p>It was not self worth that made me fight for mysel Like a weaker man againsy Mike Tyson., It was literally a fight for survival. My depression caused suicidal ideation and I was at the time afraid to die but I didnt want to live in constant pain. So I had no choice but to fight like a biotch alone for me. I couldnt really tell my grandmother about it. She did not understand. My friends did. They encouraged the fight.</p><p></p><p>In the meantime I found that people, friends included, but also virtual strangers, were drawn to me to tell me their problems. This became a huge part of my self esteem...llstening to AND helping others in an active way. Doing more than just listening. Finding resourves to help them</p><p> Driving them.around for jobs and housing.</p><p></p><p>My first husband used to be impressed. He called me a "humanitarian." His word. This he was proud of until he knew I gave money to beggars lol. Nothing stopped me. I felt that I am living this life as a helper. Thats what propelled me to adopt kids that otherwise may not have had homes. This appealed to me more than my DNA. And foster care. And saving animals. And volunteering. And helpimg the homeless anyway I knew how. One of my two BFFs who is now an angel.was just like me in many ways, including the help part. Until her passing she helped. I miss her so.</p><p></p><p>But depression that is as severe as mine does not just go away no matter how soft your heart may be. I had been tried on a half dozen antidepressants. None helped enough. I had really bad side affects to a few and ended back in a hospital. Not fun!</p><p></p><p>But I wanted to be happy. I would not stop trying. I never stopped trying. I never would have stopped trying. Then there was Paxil and T and after I acceped T's love (it took a while) suddenly I was no longer super depressed and I was in love with the perfect man for me and we had jumper and Sonic and dumped Chicago for where we are now and things just kept getting better and still are.</p><p></p><p>I feel fortunate that things like a college education, a lucrative career or material things never mattered much to me for myself. Not like they do to many people. What mattered was how much kindness I could do (and trust me, I slipped!) And how kind another was. So soon I had lots of love and mostly kind people in my life. I chose it.</p><p></p><p>I never cared if I was beautiful. I was told I was. I liked it. In my early years I felt it was all that I had. But it never was a large part of my identity. I was the one who would help anyone (this I valued most about me), the writer (this mattered), the creative person with a good sense of humor and the loving wife and mother.</p><p></p><p> The family of choice is who I identify with. Two kids live fifteen minutes from me. I am proud to say that Jumper and Sonic but especially Jumper are always at our house on her days off and that we are very close and that I learned loving relationships with my kids, even Bart. I am also close to Princess and we talk and text like old friends and then there is the baby. I am the grandparent she is closest to per Princess and i dont live that close. She slso loves loves loves Hunter and Jumper and they stay at their house when they come up. Our house is smaller.</p><p></p><p>My identity has nothing to do with how I look. But I saw people in my family whose identity is SKINNY first. I fear a young member has at besr Orthorexia and at worst a budding case of anorexia. Food and exercise and a blog about it. What kind of life is it to make everything about food and exercise? She has photos and the chest is concave. I havent read that for months and probsbly wont again. It is hard to see it because... its not the first time.</p><p></p><p>I dont really think much about food until I am ready to eat and I have a fairly healthy diet, but norhing restrictive except for what I was told not to eat for gastric reflux and not much meat. If it has two eyes it is an animal and I dont eat them often but yes I eat animal byproducts.</p><p></p><p>I do think obesity must be addressed. Sad is the 60 year old who is too big to move. But ask for help. The internet is useless.</p><p></p><p>Back to self worth. I think it comes from inside you. I do feel worthy because I am so loved and maybe thats a bad reason. But it fills me enough. I feel like I am a good person too. My spirituality is huge for me. Everyone has to walk her own path to self worth. And my creativity and almost empathic sensitivity are also a big part of who I am.</p><p></p><p> Copa I am amazed at what you achieved and how many down and out inmates you were able to help and how you stepped up for Mom and for how much you love your son. And your animals.</p><p></p><p>You give off a loving glow with each post and are VERY worthy. I certainly think so very much. I think we all do!</p><p></p><p>Now go be good to you and find peace today! You deserve it every day!</p><p></p><p>Here is some hot cocoa and a blueberry muffin!! I would hug you for real if I could.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 746181, member: 1550"] Oh dear Copa. You are too kind and give me way too much credit. I spent much of my life thinking that because my mother didn't love me I was not lovable. Who has a mother who, with no love at all and for no serious reason, tosses one child out of her life? Grown kids on this site do horrible things to their parents, verbally and physically abuse them, steal from them, break into their homes, threaten harm, etc and the soft loving mother heart still loves. So why did my mother duscard duscard me? Yes we had verbal fights but they were not lethal. They were fixable. To a normal parent. To me. I tried to literally grovel for forgiveness and got none. She even refused to know my dear children. Plus I struggled so badly with learnig disabilities, a mood disorder and terrible anxiety that I didnt know where to look to find self esteem. If your motjer doesnt love you, nobody will love you. I heard this once and it stuck. My first husband and myself had a horrible relationship u til we divorced lol. I wad fortunate enough to have two BFFs and the most understanding, loving grandmother savior on earth to love me so much that I had the energy to fight for me against my mother, my awful sister and a creepy uncle who was in my life more than I needed him there. It was not self worth that made me fight for mysel Like a weaker man againsy Mike Tyson., It was literally a fight for survival. My depression caused suicidal ideation and I was at the time afraid to die but I didnt want to live in constant pain. So I had no choice but to fight like a biotch alone for me. I couldnt really tell my grandmother about it. She did not understand. My friends did. They encouraged the fight. In the meantime I found that people, friends included, but also virtual strangers, were drawn to me to tell me their problems. This became a huge part of my self esteem...llstening to AND helping others in an active way. Doing more than just listening. Finding resourves to help them Driving them.around for jobs and housing. My first husband used to be impressed. He called me a "humanitarian." His word. This he was proud of until he knew I gave money to beggars lol. Nothing stopped me. I felt that I am living this life as a helper. Thats what propelled me to adopt kids that otherwise may not have had homes. This appealed to me more than my DNA. And foster care. And saving animals. And volunteering. And helpimg the homeless anyway I knew how. One of my two BFFs who is now an angel.was just like me in many ways, including the help part. Until her passing she helped. I miss her so. But depression that is as severe as mine does not just go away no matter how soft your heart may be. I had been tried on a half dozen antidepressants. None helped enough. I had really bad side affects to a few and ended back in a hospital. Not fun! But I wanted to be happy. I would not stop trying. I never stopped trying. I never would have stopped trying. Then there was Paxil and T and after I acceped T's love (it took a while) suddenly I was no longer super depressed and I was in love with the perfect man for me and we had jumper and Sonic and dumped Chicago for where we are now and things just kept getting better and still are. I feel fortunate that things like a college education, a lucrative career or material things never mattered much to me for myself. Not like they do to many people. What mattered was how much kindness I could do (and trust me, I slipped!) And how kind another was. So soon I had lots of love and mostly kind people in my life. I chose it. I never cared if I was beautiful. I was told I was. I liked it. In my early years I felt it was all that I had. But it never was a large part of my identity. I was the one who would help anyone (this I valued most about me), the writer (this mattered), the creative person with a good sense of humor and the loving wife and mother. The family of choice is who I identify with. Two kids live fifteen minutes from me. I am proud to say that Jumper and Sonic but especially Jumper are always at our house on her days off and that we are very close and that I learned loving relationships with my kids, even Bart. I am also close to Princess and we talk and text like old friends and then there is the baby. I am the grandparent she is closest to per Princess and i dont live that close. She slso loves loves loves Hunter and Jumper and they stay at their house when they come up. Our house is smaller. My identity has nothing to do with how I look. But I saw people in my family whose identity is SKINNY first. I fear a young member has at besr Orthorexia and at worst a budding case of anorexia. Food and exercise and a blog about it. What kind of life is it to make everything about food and exercise? She has photos and the chest is concave. I havent read that for months and probsbly wont again. It is hard to see it because... its not the first time. I dont really think much about food until I am ready to eat and I have a fairly healthy diet, but norhing restrictive except for what I was told not to eat for gastric reflux and not much meat. If it has two eyes it is an animal and I dont eat them often but yes I eat animal byproducts. I do think obesity must be addressed. Sad is the 60 year old who is too big to move. But ask for help. The internet is useless. Back to self worth. I think it comes from inside you. I do feel worthy because I am so loved and maybe thats a bad reason. But it fills me enough. I feel like I am a good person too. My spirituality is huge for me. Everyone has to walk her own path to self worth. And my creativity and almost empathic sensitivity are also a big part of who I am. Copa I am amazed at what you achieved and how many down and out inmates you were able to help and how you stepped up for Mom and for how much you love your son. And your animals. You give off a loving glow with each post and are VERY worthy. I certainly think so very much. I think we all do! Now go be good to you and find peace today! You deserve it every day! Here is some hot cocoa and a blueberry muffin!! I would hug you for real if I could. [/QUOTE]
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