Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Explosive 9 yo
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 758190" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Walking, and welcome.</p><p></p><p>One thing I am not clear on is whether these tantrums/explosions happen at school. I am thinking, no. Is that correct? And I am not so clear about the extent to which they happened before Coronavirus required all of us to live like this,</p><p></p><p>These are my thoughts, which might not be helpful but I believe they are true. At least they are true for me. I think we're all going borderline nuts with this situation. Personally, I think it's impossibly hard. I know that periodically I find the isolation and restriction unbearable and feel trapped. I know that periodically I get afraid. I am afraid I will get sick, and I am afraid for the future, that this will go on and on. I can only imagine if I was 9 years old. I would resent horribly the need to do boring homework.</p><p></p><p>Even now in my own life if I felt a tantrum would help, I would try it. The only difference between your son and I is that my experience has taught me that a tantrum would only make things worse for me.</p><p></p><p>I don't know of the games you describe as my child is already well into adulthood. My sense about the games is the same as yours. While your son might self-soothe through the games, because they involve intense concentration, in the long-run, they only erode our capacity to cope. I do the same with the computer. Neither he nor I gain in flexibility or self-control, by this. It makes it worse.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, these are hard times.</p><p></p><p>What I will say here others might feel is quite wrong. But I will say it nonetheless. We're living in a once in a century pandemic that is out of control. Almost all of us are under intense pressure without normal and regular outlets to dissapate anxiety or to contain and direct our longings. In my own case I would love to travel. Get out of town. I can't. I am trapped. Your son feels trapped too.</p><p></p><p>I think that the less pressure on him, the better. These are not normal circumstances. Something has got to give. If these tantrums were not happening continuously BEFORE Coronavirus, I think it's reasonable to posit that he's reacting to a specific stressor. And his reactions are understandable. I don't think it necessarily means something is wrong with him. It's the situation that is wrong. And he's reacting to the situation. Of course, I may not have understood completely the situation and if so please discount what I say.</p><p></p><p>I have heard on TV that the great majority of students are NOT doing their schoolwork on Zoom. This doesn't make it right. Or good. But you are not in a situation where you have the time and energy to deal with the stress of doing battle with your son to force him to do what he doesn't want to do. Actually, few parents can and do win this kind of battle, over anything, I think.</p><p></p><p>I believe I would try to de-intensify the war over the homework. He's at the age where he can understand. Are there other activities that might potentially interest him, that he can do at home? Pottery, painting, drawing, starting a vegetable garden, learning a language online, making pickles, churning butter, weaving, learning calligraphy, finding an online Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class, finding an online yoga class for kids, a sourdough starter, and making bread, learning an instrument online, etc. --all of these would be constructive and he would be "learning."</p><p></p><p>Is there a way to support him to introduce some other activities that would be more constructive in lieu of cutting down some of minecraft (or whatever it's called) and reducing some of the school demands? A negotiation and contract. He could propose which of the schoolwork he would do, and you could agree or not. This would give him control. It would also teach him that everything in life is done by decision and consent. And it is self-initiated. Not just minecraft.</p><p></p><p>This is what I am saying: The schoolwork is the trigger, but I can surely understand that it is not a good idea that he spend his whole life on Roblox and Minecraft. However these are not the only options available. Could you negotiate with him? By lessening the time on the homework, if he was willing to cut down on minecraft, say confine it to certain hours a day? By choosing, not being forced.</p><p></p><p>One thing that might happen, is that he reneges on the commitment, and refuses to do any other activity. I can relate to that. If that were to happen, I think I would do whatever it took to avoid the tantrum. I think I would try to spend some time to show him various options to spend his time. See if he has any interest, and help him get access. (For myself I do art, bought clay, and made a sourdough starter. Which is like having a full time job. I would not have time to do any homework.)</p><p></p><p>I would try to work with him to find some peace. It is peace that will help him calm down. Peace is antithetical to war. Tantrums are the enemy. I think the key is to support him to find calm inside of himself, and then there is the chance he will find the resources within himself to seek to do more constructive things. That is my hope for myself, too.</p><p></p><p>Finally, I don't thing you should feel one bit guilty. Geez, how can any parent do this? Working full time at home responsible to enforce schooling for kids. Nobody is being successful. If they say they are, I don't believe them.</p><p></p><p>Even if your son will not budge, I wouldn't push him. The tantrums are NOT good. They're not good for him, for you or the rest of the family. While there may be some power play and manipulation involved, i don't think this is all of it. I think he may be like so many of us. He just can't cope well with the situation and he's seeking to maximize the activity that helps him feel better and get through this. I can't tell you how much I identify with him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 758190, member: 18958"] Hi Walking, and welcome. One thing I am not clear on is whether these tantrums/explosions happen at school. I am thinking, no. Is that correct? And I am not so clear about the extent to which they happened before Coronavirus required all of us to live like this, These are my thoughts, which might not be helpful but I believe they are true. At least they are true for me. I think we're all going borderline nuts with this situation. Personally, I think it's impossibly hard. I know that periodically I find the isolation and restriction unbearable and feel trapped. I know that periodically I get afraid. I am afraid I will get sick, and I am afraid for the future, that this will go on and on. I can only imagine if I was 9 years old. I would resent horribly the need to do boring homework. Even now in my own life if I felt a tantrum would help, I would try it. The only difference between your son and I is that my experience has taught me that a tantrum would only make things worse for me. I don't know of the games you describe as my child is already well into adulthood. My sense about the games is the same as yours. While your son might self-soothe through the games, because they involve intense concentration, in the long-run, they only erode our capacity to cope. I do the same with the computer. Neither he nor I gain in flexibility or self-control, by this. It makes it worse. The thing is, these are hard times. What I will say here others might feel is quite wrong. But I will say it nonetheless. We're living in a once in a century pandemic that is out of control. Almost all of us are under intense pressure without normal and regular outlets to dissapate anxiety or to contain and direct our longings. In my own case I would love to travel. Get out of town. I can't. I am trapped. Your son feels trapped too. I think that the less pressure on him, the better. These are not normal circumstances. Something has got to give. If these tantrums were not happening continuously BEFORE Coronavirus, I think it's reasonable to posit that he's reacting to a specific stressor. And his reactions are understandable. I don't think it necessarily means something is wrong with him. It's the situation that is wrong. And he's reacting to the situation. Of course, I may not have understood completely the situation and if so please discount what I say. I have heard on TV that the great majority of students are NOT doing their schoolwork on Zoom. This doesn't make it right. Or good. But you are not in a situation where you have the time and energy to deal with the stress of doing battle with your son to force him to do what he doesn't want to do. Actually, few parents can and do win this kind of battle, over anything, I think. I believe I would try to de-intensify the war over the homework. He's at the age where he can understand. Are there other activities that might potentially interest him, that he can do at home? Pottery, painting, drawing, starting a vegetable garden, learning a language online, making pickles, churning butter, weaving, learning calligraphy, finding an online Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class, finding an online yoga class for kids, a sourdough starter, and making bread, learning an instrument online, etc. --all of these would be constructive and he would be "learning." Is there a way to support him to introduce some other activities that would be more constructive in lieu of cutting down some of minecraft (or whatever it's called) and reducing some of the school demands? A negotiation and contract. He could propose which of the schoolwork he would do, and you could agree or not. This would give him control. It would also teach him that everything in life is done by decision and consent. And it is self-initiated. Not just minecraft. This is what I am saying: The schoolwork is the trigger, but I can surely understand that it is not a good idea that he spend his whole life on Roblox and Minecraft. However these are not the only options available. Could you negotiate with him? By lessening the time on the homework, if he was willing to cut down on minecraft, say confine it to certain hours a day? By choosing, not being forced. One thing that might happen, is that he reneges on the commitment, and refuses to do any other activity. I can relate to that. If that were to happen, I think I would do whatever it took to avoid the tantrum. I think I would try to spend some time to show him various options to spend his time. See if he has any interest, and help him get access. (For myself I do art, bought clay, and made a sourdough starter. Which is like having a full time job. I would not have time to do any homework.) I would try to work with him to find some peace. It is peace that will help him calm down. Peace is antithetical to war. Tantrums are the enemy. I think the key is to support him to find calm inside of himself, and then there is the chance he will find the resources within himself to seek to do more constructive things. That is my hope for myself, too. Finally, I don't thing you should feel one bit guilty. Geez, how can any parent do this? Working full time at home responsible to enforce schooling for kids. Nobody is being successful. If they say they are, I don't believe them. Even if your son will not budge, I wouldn't push him. The tantrums are NOT good. They're not good for him, for you or the rest of the family. While there may be some power play and manipulation involved, i don't think this is all of it. I think he may be like so many of us. He just can't cope well with the situation and he's seeking to maximize the activity that helps him feel better and get through this. I can't tell you how much I identify with him. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Explosive 9 yo
Top