Family BS causing "issue with my boys' birthday plans

[TeDo]

A little background. Sister 1 (S1) is 2 years younger than me and is a successful business woman and an SO she's been with for over 20 years. Sister 2 (S2) is 6 years younger than me, was married and has 2 kids. About 2 years ago, S2 got her family into such financial trouble (shopaholic) that they almost lost their house. They turned their finances over to S1 to manage to help get them out. S1's name was added to their accounts so she could help with the banking. No problem. Four years ago, S2 walked out on her husband and kids to go live with another man. Kids were teenagers and were given the choice as to where to live. They chose to stay with my brother in law in their lifelong home, their school, their jobs, and their friends. Boyfriend has a record of assaults, rape, and DUI's. S2 filed for divorce after a year of NO contact with ANYONE outside of harrassing phone calls and breaking (broke doors & windows) into the house (brother in law changed the locks) to take anything she wanted. She even tried to clear out ALL their accounts but brother in law had told S1 to transfer all the money into an account that was in his name only until everything could be settled by the court. S2 called S1 and threatened to have her thrown in jail for theft. A few weeks later she accused S2 of having an affair with brother in law after S1 left. S2 managed to hire a shark of a lawyer and brother in law could only afford a so-so one. She managed to leave brother in law with all the debt, the kids, and the house but she got a NICE financial settlement and most of the house furnishings.

S2 has since gotten counseling and has apologized to all of us. She is on speaking-ony terms with brother in law and my mom and I have started to have contact with her. We have not forgiven or forgotten what she did to our whole family (we were VERY close-knit). S1 will not talk to S2 and will not have anything to do with her. S2 is not included in family events because of the way she treated us and the fact that S1 suffered the most and wants nothing to do with her.

My boys' birthday is next week. They are so busy with the community play and difficult child 2's job that The day of their birhtday for lunch is the only time we have to "celebrate". I knew S2 was going to be coming to my mom's sometime that day and spending the night. I made plans for S1, my mom, and the 3 of us to have lunch and then open presents after at my mom's because we have a dog and mom is severely allergic. Total about 1-2 hours tops. S2 says whe will be coming in the morning and that S2 is the only one that will have a problem with her being there. From the sounds of it, she will make us choose between her and S1. I asked if she would wait & come to mom's in the afternoon (she only lives 45 minutes from us) so my kids could celebrate their birthday with everyone, just not at the same time. She changed the subject.

WHY can't these two see what they are doing to this family? S2 is one of those that does NOTHING wrong, everything is someone else's fault and she didn't do anything wrong when she left or after. I am just sooooo frustrated that this stubbornness on both their parts is probably going to ruin my boys' birthday plans.

Thanks for reading this far and for letting me vent. Sorry it's so long.

 

[Tiapet]

I'm sorry some people are so self-absorbe/selfish that they do these things and don't care about others, especially children. It is sad. I really hope that you are able to have the boys birthday and it's special to them even if "they" don't participate!

 

[Malika]

Hi TeDo. Don't let them ruin your boys' birthday! I understand the sadness at not having it be the way it should be, but you can have a happy time nonetheless. Are they going to be 14? Growing up...

 

[welcometowitsend]

TeDo - That is a difficult situation. Sounds a lot like my family. My sister has gone years without speaking to me over some small incident.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think you should stand your ground with S1 and S2 and let them know that this birthday is about your boys, not them and that in order to make this birthday as happy for your boys as possible they should abide by your wishes.

Hope it works out.

 

[Jody]

TeDo,

How about you and the twins meet your mom out to do your birthday celebration at an unknown location, and then later you can go to your moms and spend time with S2 if she's around, later on in the afternoon.

 

[Hound dog]

Tedo

I'm in the same spot with Katie. Katie is talking to Nichole on good terms. easy child is still furious with Katie and wants nothing to do with her. I'm waiting to see if Katie is going to respond to the letter I sent not too long ago. (can be many reasons why she hasn't, so not worried about it)

These things happen in families, even close knit ones.......maybe especially in close knit ones because those with looser relationships don't tend to care so darn much what each other do. But if left to fester, such things can rip even the most loving family apart at the seams.

S2 can do no more than she's done, apologize and try to behave better. It's understandable that S1 is still angry (but probably more hurt than angry). But it's high time to hoover it up and deal with it one way or the other. And this is where I'm at with easy child as well. She has every right to be angry at her sister, but honestly the incident from which her hurt/anger stems was a decade ago, not from Oct of last year. It's high time for her to hoover it up and deal with it already and move on. People make mistakes. Some people (myself included), tend to make enormous mistakes when they make one. Only thing they can do later is to try to correct it by an apology and acting differently. Your S2 has done so. Katie has done so.

I've already told easy child should katie want contact again she is welcome here at all family functions whether it bothers easy child or not doesn't matter. This is katie's family too. And it's not right nor fair to make other family members suffer or feel they need to choose. easy child knows I will not tolerate rudeness or drama. So Katie and the kids could easily enjoy a family gathering. At most easy child would just pretend Katie wasn't present. Because if it went beyond that, easy child would be asked to leave.

This is now between S1 and S2, just as it is between Katie and easy child. Rest of the family hasn't nothing to do with it and don't deserve to be drug into it. Know what I mean??

Me? birthday plans would include everyone. S1 has an issue with it, she can stay home. But you did invite her, so it's her decision. Not your problem.

This is the only way I know to actually help resolve such family rifts. It's the way my grandma handled it.......and it always worked eventually.

Hugs