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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 664274" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I hate that he said such a crass and cowardly thing. He should be ashamed.</p><p></p><p>It is an interesting thing to me that blood shed in battle has a supposed purity and that the blood of women ~ the blood that means life itself ~ is labeled unclean.</p><p></p><p>Anything to do with that blood is labeled unclean, including the women who shed it, whether in birthing a child or in cleansing the womb to prepare it for birthing a child.</p><p></p><p>Here again: Which of us is it, in this thinly disguised dialog of power between male and female, who is not telling the truth and why, for the love of God, have we believed them?!?</p><p></p><p>What is the matter with all of us.</p><p></p><p><em>Strong flowing, sacred Woman Blood</em></p><p><em>cyclic blood of fecundity</em></p><p></p><p>Whatever about how the rest of that one goes. I will find and post it.</p><p></p><p>And yet the blood shed in battle, the eviscerated soldiers, the bloodied hero's death ~ this stuff is clean?!?</p><p></p><p>roar</p><p></p><p>Well, anyway. I came back on to post that as I was showering, I realized I never needed to feel guilty for hating my mother, for detesting that fool of a woman who hurt and shamed her own daughters, her own sons.</p><p></p><p>That was my shame I was confessing. Not hers. My shame, that I freaking do not find it in my heart to respect this woman I have witnessed committing atrocities with a self-satisfied grin on her face and the meanness that is power over in her eyes.</p><p></p><p>Smug.</p><p></p><p>Breaking someone, anyone will do, at last.</p><p></p><p>I have posted before about that feeling of...what did we call it. That feeling of fraudulence, of trying to do the right thing, of tension and guardedness in ever interaction with my mother. I felt badly about acknowledging that. What kind of daughter does that make me, that is what I thought. </p><p></p><p>What kind of person behaves in such a way toward her own mother.</p><p></p><p>I was right.</p><p></p><p>I was right to behave as I did. <em>I know who she is, really. I know her in a way D H does not, though he claims he spotted her (and my sister) within seconds. D H says neither is worthy of respect; that they can be tolerated for my sake.</em></p><p></p><p>So another layer, for me.</p><p></p><p>Thank you, Serenity and Copa.</p><p></p><p>My head is spinning. I cannot believe I was punishing myself for the horror and rage I feel at what that woman has done.</p><p></p><p><em>But I was. I was ashamed. I was. Not of her. I am disgusted, outraged, not ashamed, of her.</em></p><p></p><p><em>I was ashamed of me. That is where coward comes in. Incidents like that one, times I did not protect my brother.</em></p><p></p><p><em>If I was four...he was three.</em></p><p></p><p><em>Four. I named myself coward at four because until this afternoon's discussion, I literally believed the villain here to have been me.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Coward.</em></p><p></p><p>Now I will think some more about this.</p><p></p><p>I suppose it happened as it did because I had zero choice about what that Mother of my brother did to him. My only choice would have been to attack her, and that, I did not do.</p><p></p><p>Coward.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 664274, member: 17461"] I hate that he said such a crass and cowardly thing. He should be ashamed. It is an interesting thing to me that blood shed in battle has a supposed purity and that the blood of women ~ the blood that means life itself ~ is labeled unclean. Anything to do with that blood is labeled unclean, including the women who shed it, whether in birthing a child or in cleansing the womb to prepare it for birthing a child. Here again: Which of us is it, in this thinly disguised dialog of power between male and female, who is not telling the truth and why, for the love of God, have we believed them?!? What is the matter with all of us. [I]Strong flowing, sacred Woman Blood cyclic blood of fecundity[/I] Whatever about how the rest of that one goes. I will find and post it. And yet the blood shed in battle, the eviscerated soldiers, the bloodied hero's death ~ this stuff is clean?!? roar Well, anyway. I came back on to post that as I was showering, I realized I never needed to feel guilty for hating my mother, for detesting that fool of a woman who hurt and shamed her own daughters, her own sons. That was my shame I was confessing. Not hers. My shame, that I freaking do not find it in my heart to respect this woman I have witnessed committing atrocities with a self-satisfied grin on her face and the meanness that is power over in her eyes. Smug. Breaking someone, anyone will do, at last. I have posted before about that feeling of...what did we call it. That feeling of fraudulence, of trying to do the right thing, of tension and guardedness in ever interaction with my mother. I felt badly about acknowledging that. What kind of daughter does that make me, that is what I thought. What kind of person behaves in such a way toward her own mother. I was right. I was right to behave as I did. [I]I know who she is, really. I know her in a way D H does not, though he claims he spotted her (and my sister) within seconds. D H says neither is worthy of respect; that they can be tolerated for my sake.[/I] So another layer, for me. Thank you, Serenity and Copa. My head is spinning. I cannot believe I was punishing myself for the horror and rage I feel at what that woman has done. [I]But I was. I was ashamed. I was. Not of her. I am disgusted, outraged, not ashamed, of her.[/I] [I]I was ashamed of me. That is where coward comes in. Incidents like that one, times I did not protect my brother.[/I] [I]If I was four...he was three.[/I] [I]Four. I named myself coward at four because until this afternoon's discussion, I literally believed the villain here to have been me. Coward.[/I] Now I will think some more about this. I suppose it happened as it did because I had zero choice about what that Mother of my brother did to him. My only choice would have been to attack her, and that, I did not do. Coward. Huh. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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