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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 664295" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>But Cedar, he never really saw me. He only saw himself. And in his life, when he went to the doors of the French Castle, on the Quest for the holy grail, they opened the castle. And everything in his life fed his fantasy that he had something special. That doors should be opened for him. That he be given gifts, and worship.</p><p></p><p>And even when it all came crashing down, I think he and his family felt he did not deserve it. He never, ever got it.</p><p></p><p>And I because of my past, I bought in. I opened the door because I felt I had no other, better option. Almost 40 years later I would not do so again. I was just a girl, really. It is such a sad and shameful story. But it is not my own shame. I still do not feel anger.</p><p>I used to fear that, because, I was afraid to lose him. All of that student loan debt, it is a very substantial amount, I should turn over to his family, to his estate, to pay.</p><p>You see, I often begin to convince my abuser. That. I . deserve. to . be treated. better. Attempting to convince her/him of my humanity. After all I am a sweet and harmless person. I am transparent. After, all I am a person, too.</p><p></p><p>And knowing, on some level, I am already dinner on their plate. And by beseeching I only make the idea of myself as the meal more appetizing.</p><p></p><p>You cannot negotiate, after you are captured, trussed, cooked and on the plate. And that I learned from Mr. Dershowitz, today.</p><p>I thing my shame, is to have not protected my mother more, from herself. I cannot shake myself from my expectation of myself, to have been such contortionist to have stopped her even from the desire to hurt us. I see that I have taken on the responsibility from her to have acted as mother to both of us.</p><p></p><p>I still feel responsible for not saving her...from herself...as if I am the mother...who is responsible for her good comportment. To teach and correct her. I as her victim, still hold myself responsible for that. To have permitted her to act as she did. My whole life.</p><p>It began as a protection, Cedar. As a small child, you needed her.</p><p></p><p>You could not have survived <em>then</em> if you had allowed your hatred and disgust to have surfaced. </p><p></p><p>The internal shame mechanism prevented it from becoming conscious. </p><p></p><p>You could not denounce your mother as wrong because your very survival depended upon her. </p><p></p><p>Instead, it seems you fixated upon the one thing that you thought was in your power. <em><strong>Don't</strong></em>. By this you took on total responsibility for her horrible act. You took it away from her, in order to continue to live. You needed your mother. You did it to survive. </p><p></p><p>That is why you told yourself it was all your fault. Because you did not say <em><strong>don't</strong></em>.</p><p></p><p>Can you see it? A child trying to preserve a vitally important relationship convincing themselves it was they who were responsible for all that that mother did...because they the 4 year old terrified and horrified child did not say <em>don't</em>.</p><p></p><p>You had to do this to survive. To maintain a relationship with this woman who was your mother. </p><p></p><p>By the time we have an adult personality, these events are so suppressed they are not within reach to rethink. Even after years and years of so-called psychoanalysis I knew so little of this.</p><p>Good.</p><p></p><p>When I asked my mother a couple of weeks before she died if she loved me she answered with just those exact words: Oh so much.</p><p>Your dynamic is different than mine. I have got to stop this habit of attacking myself, discrediting myself by comparison. After all I am my own little flower. With only 4 stupid thorns.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking I am protecting myself from my anger at my mother because I do not want to lose my love for her. That is all I have. It is exactly the position we were in as a child. Having to hide from the reality of our perceptions and feelings in order to sustain in ourselves our belief in a lie.</p><p></p><p>I need to be tolerant of myself. Of the difficulty of my situation. I believe I will come to have the strength to feel it. I see it already. Now is the feeling. Maybe after I let her remains go.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 664295, member: 18958"] But Cedar, he never really saw me. He only saw himself. And in his life, when he went to the doors of the French Castle, on the Quest for the holy grail, they opened the castle. And everything in his life fed his fantasy that he had something special. That doors should be opened for him. That he be given gifts, and worship. And even when it all came crashing down, I think he and his family felt he did not deserve it. He never, ever got it. And I because of my past, I bought in. I opened the door because I felt I had no other, better option. Almost 40 years later I would not do so again. I was just a girl, really. It is such a sad and shameful story. But it is not my own shame. I still do not feel anger. I used to fear that, because, I was afraid to lose him. All of that student loan debt, it is a very substantial amount, I should turn over to his family, to his estate, to pay. You see, I often begin to convince my abuser. That. I . deserve. to . be treated. better. Attempting to convince her/him of my humanity. After all I am a sweet and harmless person. I am transparent. After, all I am a person, too. And knowing, on some level, I am already dinner on their plate. And by beseeching I only make the idea of myself as the meal more appetizing. You cannot negotiate, after you are captured, trussed, cooked and on the plate. And that I learned from Mr. Dershowitz, today. I thing my shame, is to have not protected my mother more, from herself. I cannot shake myself from my expectation of myself, to have been such contortionist to have stopped her even from the desire to hurt us. I see that I have taken on the responsibility from her to have acted as mother to both of us. I still feel responsible for not saving her...from herself...as if I am the mother...who is responsible for her good comportment. To teach and correct her. I as her victim, still hold myself responsible for that. To have permitted her to act as she did. My whole life. It began as a protection, Cedar. As a small child, you needed her. You could not have survived [I]then[/I] if you had allowed your hatred and disgust to have surfaced. The internal shame mechanism prevented it from becoming conscious. You could not denounce your mother as wrong because your very survival depended upon her. Instead, it seems you fixated upon the one thing that you thought was in your power. [I][B]Don't[/B][/I]. By this you took on total responsibility for her horrible act. You took it away from her, in order to continue to live. You needed your mother. You did it to survive. That is why you told yourself it was all your fault. Because you did not say [I][B]don't[/B][/I]. Can you see it? A child trying to preserve a vitally important relationship convincing themselves it was they who were responsible for all that that mother did...because they the 4 year old terrified and horrified child did not say [I]don't[/I]. You had to do this to survive. To maintain a relationship with this woman who was your mother. By the time we have an adult personality, these events are so suppressed they are not within reach to rethink. Even after years and years of so-called psychoanalysis I knew so little of this. Good. When I asked my mother a couple of weeks before she died if she loved me she answered with just those exact words: Oh so much. Your dynamic is different than mine. I have got to stop this habit of attacking myself, discrediting myself by comparison. After all I am my own little flower. With only 4 stupid thorns. I am thinking I am protecting myself from my anger at my mother because I do not want to lose my love for her. That is all I have. It is exactly the position we were in as a child. Having to hide from the reality of our perceptions and feelings in order to sustain in ourselves our belief in a lie. I need to be tolerant of myself. Of the difficulty of my situation. I believe I will come to have the strength to feel it. I see it already. Now is the feeling. Maybe after I let her remains go. [/QUOTE]
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