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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 664308" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>"If we'd only been some impossibly better version of daughters, our mothers would magically have become the mothers we needed to survive ~ to live at all." Cedar</p><p></p><p>I am still trying to hold onto my Mother. And to do so, I am still throwing myself under the bus. That is because I am still trying to love her under the disastrous terms that my small child self worked out. </p><p></p><p>I am committed to finding a way to love my mother as an adult. Without succumbing to horrible grief, that I can no longer love my mother in life as an adult. </p><p></p><p>I need to state here to remind myself that my mother was the adult. After all, she was the mother.</p><p></p><p>She did the best she could. In my late adulthood she tried hard to do the best she could. In some ways she did better than did I. But I will not go there, because, for now, I am trying to get better, not suffer more.</p><p></p><p>My task here is to identify adult vs regressive ways of loving my mother. The regressive elements serve to keep the relationship by putting me down. So far, I choose these, because I must feel this is the only way to hold onto her.</p><p></p><p>I developed that way of holding onto my mother, by putting myself down, what I am calling disarming myself, as a very little girl. *I will put aside for now, how come I felt I could not be a big girl, at that time.</p><p></p><p>The result is that throughout my love for my mother felt like something that was crippling to me. The goal here is to find a way to love her that allows me to stand up</p><p></p><p>The love I came to as a small girl for my Mother, had an element of aggression against her, which I turned against myself, in order to hide it.</p><p></p><p>While it was very brave, it also was quite self-destructive. Being aggressive in life in its varying aspects, whether angry or in control or a leader or assertive....is a very useful and satisfying characteristic. My Mother gloried in being a fighter. In fact, she was a killer. So was my Aunt, her sister.</p><p></p><p>To have lived a whole life without this important characteristic available has been quite personally costly.</p><p></p><p>So, somehow, I am arrived at this quite unfortunate state, where I take one hundred percent responsibility for both of us. To the point of one hundred percent self destruction. I do not believe it. I think it is an act.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think all of this is pure theater (and I myself am in the front row):</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Cedar, in all of the above quotes I am throwing you under the bus. I am as if saying, Cedar, is the bad girl, not me. She is the one who is angry at her mother, not me.</p><p></p><p>My Mama is a good Mama. I love my Mama. Please do not hurt me Mama. Please do not leave me Mommy. Please. I am a good girl. I need my Mommy. I am not mad, Mommy. Please don't leave me.</p><p></p><p>But she is gone. And I am an adult. I cannot live as a 5 year old child emotionally for my whole life. I choose not to.</p><p></p><p>I must tolerate letting my mother go to her eternal rest. To do so, I must accept what my life has been.</p><p>Well, the thing is I must feel anger. Or I would not still be in bed. I must feel anger or I would be working or traveling or doing fun things or living productively. I must be angry or I would not require such punishment.</p><p></p><p>The proof of the pudding is in the eating. I have been poisoned. I must have swallowed something toxic. My anger.</p><p></p><p>So what do I do and where do I go to find it??? I am not quite sure. Role playing. After all we are in the realm of theater.</p><p></p><p>I am angry at my mother because I could not love her almost my whole life.</p><p></p><p>I am angry at my mother because I had to be separate from her my whole life.</p><p></p><p>I am angry at my mother because:</p><p>She put herself first.</p><p>Because I had no defenses against her anger.</p><p>Because she did not protect me as a child.</p><p>Because she did not keep her word to me.</p><p>Because she was not trustworthy.</p><p>Because I was afraid of her.</p><p>Because I loved her more than I loved myself. And that is not right.</p><p>Because she had no compassion for me as a small child.</p><p>Because she took advantage of my labor.</p><p>Because she did not care how she would hurt me, when she put her interests above my own.</p><p>Because she could be cruel and harsh to me.</p><p>Because she was often indifferent to me, preferring to focus upon and cater to her own needs.</p><p>Because she could never, ever put my interests even equal to her own.</p><p></p><p>And you know what, I am still not angry. I am just sad.</p><p></p><p>I only wanted her to love me. She did but not in the way I needed.</p><p></p><p>I am finding myself thinking about my relationship with my son. It is there that I will find my anger.</p><p></p><p>And that is the way out of this for me. I can find my love for my mother and my anger at her in my relationship with my son.</p><p></p><p>I will look there.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 664308, member: 18958"] "If we'd only been some impossibly better version of daughters, our mothers would magically have become the mothers we needed to survive ~ to live at all." Cedar I am still trying to hold onto my Mother. And to do so, I am still throwing myself under the bus. That is because I am still trying to love her under the disastrous terms that my small child self worked out. I am committed to finding a way to love my mother as an adult. Without succumbing to horrible grief, that I can no longer love my mother in life as an adult. I need to state here to remind myself that my mother was the adult. After all, she was the mother. She did the best she could. In my late adulthood she tried hard to do the best she could. In some ways she did better than did I. But I will not go there, because, for now, I am trying to get better, not suffer more. My task here is to identify adult vs regressive ways of loving my mother. The regressive elements serve to keep the relationship by putting me down. So far, I choose these, because I must feel this is the only way to hold onto her. I developed that way of holding onto my mother, by putting myself down, what I am calling disarming myself, as a very little girl. *I will put aside for now, how come I felt I could not be a big girl, at that time. The result is that throughout my love for my mother felt like something that was crippling to me. The goal here is to find a way to love her that allows me to stand up The love I came to as a small girl for my Mother, had an element of aggression against her, which I turned against myself, in order to hide it. While it was very brave, it also was quite self-destructive. Being aggressive in life in its varying aspects, whether angry or in control or a leader or assertive....is a very useful and satisfying characteristic. My Mother gloried in being a fighter. In fact, she was a killer. So was my Aunt, her sister. To have lived a whole life without this important characteristic available has been quite personally costly. So, somehow, I am arrived at this quite unfortunate state, where I take one hundred percent responsibility for both of us. To the point of one hundred percent self destruction. I do not believe it. I think it is an act. I think all of this is pure theater (and I myself am in the front row): Cedar, in all of the above quotes I am throwing you under the bus. I am as if saying, Cedar, is the bad girl, not me. She is the one who is angry at her mother, not me. My Mama is a good Mama. I love my Mama. Please do not hurt me Mama. Please do not leave me Mommy. Please. I am a good girl. I need my Mommy. I am not mad, Mommy. Please don't leave me. But she is gone. And I am an adult. I cannot live as a 5 year old child emotionally for my whole life. I choose not to. I must tolerate letting my mother go to her eternal rest. To do so, I must accept what my life has been. Well, the thing is I must feel anger. Or I would not still be in bed. I must feel anger or I would be working or traveling or doing fun things or living productively. I must be angry or I would not require such punishment. The proof of the pudding is in the eating. I have been poisoned. I must have swallowed something toxic. My anger. So what do I do and where do I go to find it??? I am not quite sure. Role playing. After all we are in the realm of theater. I am angry at my mother because I could not love her almost my whole life. I am angry at my mother because I had to be separate from her my whole life. I am angry at my mother because: She put herself first. Because I had no defenses against her anger. Because she did not protect me as a child. Because she did not keep her word to me. Because she was not trustworthy. Because I was afraid of her. Because I loved her more than I loved myself. And that is not right. Because she had no compassion for me as a small child. Because she took advantage of my labor. Because she did not care how she would hurt me, when she put her interests above my own. Because she could be cruel and harsh to me. Because she was often indifferent to me, preferring to focus upon and cater to her own needs. Because she could never, ever put my interests even equal to her own. And you know what, I am still not angry. I am just sad. I only wanted her to love me. She did but not in the way I needed. I am finding myself thinking about my relationship with my son. It is there that I will find my anger. And that is the way out of this for me. I can find my love for my mother and my anger at her in my relationship with my son. I will look there. [/QUOTE]
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