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Family of Origin
Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 664384" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>The words in my mothers last directive were meant to hurt. I know that.</p><p></p><p>They were her last vengeful act against her daughters who she believed had failed her. To care for her as she had deserved. To take away and soothe her own hurts.</p><p></p><p>That her daughters for eternity would suffer for their failure, is what my mother sought.</p><p></p><p>On some level, I must feel that my only deserved destiny, is to fulfill this last wish. To use my own will and spirit and force, to punish myself in my mother's stead, that I did not take away and soothe her hurts.</p><p></p><p>And to think about this, this way, is to recognize that it is her own mother that she accuses indirectly. And so it goes through the generations. I do not have a daughter to scapegoat or not for my unmet needs, my lingering pain. </p><p></p><p>I have only myself. I am my own little flower, after all. And I am attacking myself, as my mother's designated agent. As if it was spelled out in her will, and I entrusted with this obligation, I am following through. Responsibly and dutifully destroying myself. By my own mother's advanced directive.</p><p></p><p>Tomorrow, I think, M will finish that tile floor. We will sit down and make plans together. Now, it is more complicated, because we have the remodeling of the rental to consider.</p><p></p><p>I do not think I can get up by myself. I spin my wheels here in the house and feel I have nowhere outside where I really want to go.</p><p></p><p>There needs to be, what did they call it in Soviet Russia, with Stalin? A concerted, deliberate agenda...where millions of peasants were killed...I hope not. With a goal. To make a new and different kind of life. It feels like it will be hard. I do not want it to be.</p><p></p><p>Maybe it will be like you say. One day I. will. decide. to. wake. up. And I will be the me I was meant to be. Why do I doubt this? (My neck hurts, that's why.)</p><p></p><p>He will want me to give up Romy. I do not want to. But enough of negatives. We will see about tomorrow.</p><p></p><p>Five year plans, that is what they were called, the means by which their traditional peasant economy was transformed. Millions died. They had their counterpart in China. Millions and millions died there. </p><p></p><p>I found these virtual flash cards online:</p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px"><strong>First Five-Year Plan</strong></span></p><p>this Five-Year plan focused on developing Russia's industries such as coal, iron, power plans and transportation</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px"><strong>Second Five Year-Plan</strong></span></p><p>this Five-Year plan focused on water, the road system, and the railroad transportation system</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 15px"><strong>Third Five-Year plan</strong></span></p><p>this Five-Year plan began the production of some consumer goods but was interrupted by the war</p><p></p><p>Actually, this is the way I lived my life. I treated myself as if I was the raw material, whether labor or natural resources to be exploited to meet goals. I did not care how this transformation affected me. Only the goal mattered. Even if I was among the dead, mattered not at all.</p><p></p><p>I am remembering, now, my vow to care for myself, to have the care of my self be my principal commitment. Therefore, I cannot kill off millions anymore for a five year plan. Whew. That is reassuring.</p><p></p><p>This is something for which there is no translation. I do not have the words to tell M that I cannot be killed off to reach a goal anymore. I think he knows, it. Now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 664384, member: 18958"] The words in my mothers last directive were meant to hurt. I know that. They were her last vengeful act against her daughters who she believed had failed her. To care for her as she had deserved. To take away and soothe her own hurts. That her daughters for eternity would suffer for their failure, is what my mother sought. On some level, I must feel that my only deserved destiny, is to fulfill this last wish. To use my own will and spirit and force, to punish myself in my mother's stead, that I did not take away and soothe her hurts. And to think about this, this way, is to recognize that it is her own mother that she accuses indirectly. And so it goes through the generations. I do not have a daughter to scapegoat or not for my unmet needs, my lingering pain. I have only myself. I am my own little flower, after all. And I am attacking myself, as my mother's designated agent. As if it was spelled out in her will, and I entrusted with this obligation, I am following through. Responsibly and dutifully destroying myself. By my own mother's advanced directive. Tomorrow, I think, M will finish that tile floor. We will sit down and make plans together. Now, it is more complicated, because we have the remodeling of the rental to consider. I do not think I can get up by myself. I spin my wheels here in the house and feel I have nowhere outside where I really want to go. There needs to be, what did they call it in Soviet Russia, with Stalin? A concerted, deliberate agenda...where millions of peasants were killed...I hope not. With a goal. To make a new and different kind of life. It feels like it will be hard. I do not want it to be. Maybe it will be like you say. One day I. will. decide. to. wake. up. And I will be the me I was meant to be. Why do I doubt this? (My neck hurts, that's why.) He will want me to give up Romy. I do not want to. But enough of negatives. We will see about tomorrow. Five year plans, that is what they were called, the means by which their traditional peasant economy was transformed. Millions died. They had their counterpart in China. Millions and millions died there. I found these virtual flash cards online: [SIZE=4][B]First Five-Year Plan[/B][/SIZE] this Five-Year plan focused on developing Russia's industries such as coal, iron, power plans and transportation [SIZE=4][B]Second Five Year-Plan[/B][/SIZE] this Five-Year plan focused on water, the road system, and the railroad transportation system [SIZE=4][B]Third Five-Year plan[/B][/SIZE] this Five-Year plan began the production of some consumer goods but was interrupted by the war Actually, this is the way I lived my life. I treated myself as if I was the raw material, whether labor or natural resources to be exploited to meet goals. I did not care how this transformation affected me. Only the goal mattered. Even if I was among the dead, mattered not at all. I am remembering, now, my vow to care for myself, to have the care of my self be my principal commitment. Therefore, I cannot kill off millions anymore for a five year plan. Whew. That is reassuring. This is something for which there is no translation. I do not have the words to tell M that I cannot be killed off to reach a goal anymore. I think he knows, it. Now. [/QUOTE]
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Family of Origin (FOO) Support Thread Part 2
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