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Family of Origin issues / Parenting
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 619062" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>My parents had four children, I'm the oldest, then my sister two years later, then my second sister, born with an incurable disease, two years after that, then my brother, born about the time my sister was diagnosed. My parents had their hands full and I had to grow up fast, starting at about six years old. I became a helper, a babysitter, and a "too sensitive child." My third sister died when she was 23. I delayed having children until I was 29, having been there and done that (so I felt). My dad and I didn't get along well---he was command and control and a workaholic, very accomplished professional executive. My mom had jobs, not a career, and she talked to us from day one about getting a college degree. There was never any doubt that was my path---so I would have choices, she said. All three of us did that.</p><p></p><p>My parents have now been married for 58 years. I think their marriage would not have survived all it did except for the fact that economically, they couldn't afford to split up. So they somehow, rockily at times, made it work. They do love each other and always have.</p><p></p><p>I always thought I had a great mom and a rotten dad. Since he only valued accomplishment and I desperately wanted his approval (although I would have denied that heatedly until the end of time), I became accomplished. He had/has a bad temper, is immature and flies off the handle about nothing. He has limited coping skills. My mom was my rock. </p><p></p><p>They have been---all of them---extremely supportive of me throughout my divorce from my husband after 29 years of marriage (alcoholism) and through all of this with my son. They get tough love, boundaries and detachment. They have not gone around me to do anything to help him and I am thankful for that. I have keep them informed along the way so they know the journey. </p><p></p><p>How has this affected me? Hmmmm. I made peace with my feelings about my dad, seeing him and forgiving him and accepting him for who he is, about 12 years ago. We had a severe disagreement and didn't speak for about 6 months. I changed during that time, and came to see him in a new way. I see him today as a man who was not prepared for adulthood (he was the youngest of 9, his parents were "done" by the time he came along and didn't really provide all of what he needed either) or for parenthood. He worked hard and coped with his limitations, doing pretty well, but it would all come out when he couldn't control a situation, like with unruly children. I'm sure my sister's diagnosis was incredibly difficult to deal with and bear, along with the financial responsibility, etc., and he felt burdened by it all. After she died, he even told us he felt ashamed, in an unusually open moment. </p><p></p><p>My mom tried really hard to parent all of her four kids and respond to their individual needs as much as she could. I knew that even then. I don't know how she did it with all of the stress, etc. </p><p></p><p>I do believe making peace with my dad was a tremendous step forward for me in maturity. I was then able to face where my marriage was and do the hard work of ending it. I have lived on my own since 2009, the first time ever in my life as I went nearly directly from college to marriage. This has been good for me. This time has also been the time of my second son's decline. Divorce aftermath and dealing with a son's drug addiction at the same time. It has definitely been hard.</p><p></p><p>I had two children. I helicopter-parented them. I was a product of my own upbringing and the times. Even with the blades turning, my sons had responsibilities, rules, part-time jobs, consequences, curfews, grades etc. We were not overly strict but we paid too much attention to them and made things too easy for them, especially my younger son. I just kept thinking he hadn't matured yet and needed more time. </p><p></p><p>My family of origin was textbook dysfunctional. My family was dysfunctional. I honestly did the best I could do, and I see both of my parents as doing the same. I am thankful today that we have a good relationship. My brother is an alcoholic and not in recovery. It is hard to watch him but I know he has to want to change in order to change. My dad has a lot of anger and guilt about my brother. We talk some about it (my dad and I) but I know I can't save him either. </p><p></p><p>My maternal grandmother took prescription painkillers from three doctors in town. She was "sent away" at one point to a rehab (they didn't call it that, but that is what it was). She called crying and my grandfather promptly went and picked her up. She kept on abusing painkillers all of her life. </p><p></p><p>Wow, life is hard, is it not? There is pain everywhere, throughout the generations. It is helpful to look at the past, and try to learn from it, so we can do better.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 619062, member: 17542"] My parents had four children, I'm the oldest, then my sister two years later, then my second sister, born with an incurable disease, two years after that, then my brother, born about the time my sister was diagnosed. My parents had their hands full and I had to grow up fast, starting at about six years old. I became a helper, a babysitter, and a "too sensitive child." My third sister died when she was 23. I delayed having children until I was 29, having been there and done that (so I felt). My dad and I didn't get along well---he was command and control and a workaholic, very accomplished professional executive. My mom had jobs, not a career, and she talked to us from day one about getting a college degree. There was never any doubt that was my path---so I would have choices, she said. All three of us did that. My parents have now been married for 58 years. I think their marriage would not have survived all it did except for the fact that economically, they couldn't afford to split up. So they somehow, rockily at times, made it work. They do love each other and always have. I always thought I had a great mom and a rotten dad. Since he only valued accomplishment and I desperately wanted his approval (although I would have denied that heatedly until the end of time), I became accomplished. He had/has a bad temper, is immature and flies off the handle about nothing. He has limited coping skills. My mom was my rock. They have been---all of them---extremely supportive of me throughout my divorce from my husband after 29 years of marriage (alcoholism) and through all of this with my son. They get tough love, boundaries and detachment. They have not gone around me to do anything to help him and I am thankful for that. I have keep them informed along the way so they know the journey. How has this affected me? Hmmmm. I made peace with my feelings about my dad, seeing him and forgiving him and accepting him for who he is, about 12 years ago. We had a severe disagreement and didn't speak for about 6 months. I changed during that time, and came to see him in a new way. I see him today as a man who was not prepared for adulthood (he was the youngest of 9, his parents were "done" by the time he came along and didn't really provide all of what he needed either) or for parenthood. He worked hard and coped with his limitations, doing pretty well, but it would all come out when he couldn't control a situation, like with unruly children. I'm sure my sister's diagnosis was incredibly difficult to deal with and bear, along with the financial responsibility, etc., and he felt burdened by it all. After she died, he even told us he felt ashamed, in an unusually open moment. My mom tried really hard to parent all of her four kids and respond to their individual needs as much as she could. I knew that even then. I don't know how she did it with all of the stress, etc. I do believe making peace with my dad was a tremendous step forward for me in maturity. I was then able to face where my marriage was and do the hard work of ending it. I have lived on my own since 2009, the first time ever in my life as I went nearly directly from college to marriage. This has been good for me. This time has also been the time of my second son's decline. Divorce aftermath and dealing with a son's drug addiction at the same time. It has definitely been hard. I had two children. I helicopter-parented them. I was a product of my own upbringing and the times. Even with the blades turning, my sons had responsibilities, rules, part-time jobs, consequences, curfews, grades etc. We were not overly strict but we paid too much attention to them and made things too easy for them, especially my younger son. I just kept thinking he hadn't matured yet and needed more time. My family of origin was textbook dysfunctional. My family was dysfunctional. I honestly did the best I could do, and I see both of my parents as doing the same. I am thankful today that we have a good relationship. My brother is an alcoholic and not in recovery. It is hard to watch him but I know he has to want to change in order to change. My dad has a lot of anger and guilt about my brother. We talk some about it (my dad and I) but I know I can't save him either. My maternal grandmother took prescription painkillers from three doctors in town. She was "sent away" at one point to a rehab (they didn't call it that, but that is what it was). She called crying and my grandfather promptly went and picked her up. She kept on abusing painkillers all of her life. Wow, life is hard, is it not? There is pain everywhere, throughout the generations. It is helpful to look at the past, and try to learn from it, so we can do better. [/QUOTE]
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