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Family of Origin issues / Parenting
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 619109" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>I'm a product of at least three or four hundred years (that I know about) of (often) high-functioning dysfunction. Most of the time at least. My parents both had huge issues and divorced when I was young. My mom wasn't really fit to take care of a goldfish, but very functional in some ways. My dad was even less able to take care of anything and was in and out of my life throughout my childhood. Though I tended to be an adult of our dysfunctional family before I started school. My maternal grandparents had gotten their stuff somewhat together before I came along and were the constant of my life. However my mom tended to use me as a bargaining chip with them, so she didn't let them be available to me at times.</p><p></p><p>However my dysfunctional family has had little direct influence to my sons. Of course I'm a product of all that so there has been lot of indirect influence. But my mom died, when my kids were still rather young and before her death we had a better relationship and she didn't interfere much on how I did things. And when she did, it was through trying to influence me, not undermining me. So I had to say she certainly did the grandmother thing much better than mother thing. My grandparents also died several years ago and were even more careful not to intervene even when they gave us financial support. Their inheritance has also left me financially independent that has made certain difference and given me more options also in raising my kids.</p><p></p><p>My dad ditched me when my kids were really young and I didn't let him back till almost now. It was last summer when I decided not to try to keep my sons away from him any more and while my boys are not that interested, there is some tentative connection. However after he did ditch me I have made it sure he has absolutely no say to my life. He is welcome to have a small part in it if he behaves, but that is about it. I doubt not having him in our lives made much of the difference to my kids growing up.</p><p></p><p>However my husband's family, while not really more dysfunctional than average have had a big part with our lives. Both in good and bad. My mother in law is piece of work and really detests me and due to that also my older son a little (okay, there are lots of reasons for that but anyway that is an outcome.) And my husband is her favourite child, real golden boy and by osmosis also my younger son is an apple of her eye. They live couple hundred yards from us and are very involved in our daily life. father in law is a great guy and close to both of my sons and has always been incredibly helpful without trying to control us too much. In fact it took almost 20 years for him to interfere to our parenting our boys in anyway - and when he did last spring, I was really glad he did. And he wasn't undermining us in front of our kids but just giving my husband a piece of his mind over husband really struggling with our son having really hard time.</p><p></p><p>However mother in law has always done her best to undermine me, my rules, my authority and my parenting with my kids. I'm not even sure which is worse, her being imprudent and overly critical, or downright mean with my difficult child in disguise of grandmotherly concern or her over the top doting and praising my easy child and trying to manipulate them against each other. However their practical help has been invaluable. Their help made our life so much easier financially when we were younger, they have always been there to take a catch when we have needed a babysitter for an ill child, help on driving them around to their hobbies or whatever else. And not only is father in law a great guy, also husband's siblings are a great bunch. So detaching from them has never really been an option for us. Especially when that tight family connection was one thing I fell in love with with my husband and something I always graved and wanted to give to my kids. So while mother in law is mother in law and drives me bonkers at times, I have always considered having them in so big parts in our life a positive thing and wouldn't change that. Of course one can consider my willingness to stand the problems of that to be a product of my dysfunctional childhood. I doubt any of my husband's siblings' spouses would be quite as tolerant and they have even said they would never had survived living quite this close, living in the house that used to be theirs (you can bet that causes some issues even in best circumstances) and having mother in law quite as big part of our everyday life.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 619109, member: 14557"] I'm a product of at least three or four hundred years (that I know about) of (often) high-functioning dysfunction. Most of the time at least. My parents both had huge issues and divorced when I was young. My mom wasn't really fit to take care of a goldfish, but very functional in some ways. My dad was even less able to take care of anything and was in and out of my life throughout my childhood. Though I tended to be an adult of our dysfunctional family before I started school. My maternal grandparents had gotten their stuff somewhat together before I came along and were the constant of my life. However my mom tended to use me as a bargaining chip with them, so she didn't let them be available to me at times. However my dysfunctional family has had little direct influence to my sons. Of course I'm a product of all that so there has been lot of indirect influence. But my mom died, when my kids were still rather young and before her death we had a better relationship and she didn't interfere much on how I did things. And when she did, it was through trying to influence me, not undermining me. So I had to say she certainly did the grandmother thing much better than mother thing. My grandparents also died several years ago and were even more careful not to intervene even when they gave us financial support. Their inheritance has also left me financially independent that has made certain difference and given me more options also in raising my kids. My dad ditched me when my kids were really young and I didn't let him back till almost now. It was last summer when I decided not to try to keep my sons away from him any more and while my boys are not that interested, there is some tentative connection. However after he did ditch me I have made it sure he has absolutely no say to my life. He is welcome to have a small part in it if he behaves, but that is about it. I doubt not having him in our lives made much of the difference to my kids growing up. However my husband's family, while not really more dysfunctional than average have had a big part with our lives. Both in good and bad. My mother in law is piece of work and really detests me and due to that also my older son a little (okay, there are lots of reasons for that but anyway that is an outcome.) And my husband is her favourite child, real golden boy and by osmosis also my younger son is an apple of her eye. They live couple hundred yards from us and are very involved in our daily life. father in law is a great guy and close to both of my sons and has always been incredibly helpful without trying to control us too much. In fact it took almost 20 years for him to interfere to our parenting our boys in anyway - and when he did last spring, I was really glad he did. And he wasn't undermining us in front of our kids but just giving my husband a piece of his mind over husband really struggling with our son having really hard time. However mother in law has always done her best to undermine me, my rules, my authority and my parenting with my kids. I'm not even sure which is worse, her being imprudent and overly critical, or downright mean with my difficult child in disguise of grandmotherly concern or her over the top doting and praising my easy child and trying to manipulate them against each other. However their practical help has been invaluable. Their help made our life so much easier financially when we were younger, they have always been there to take a catch when we have needed a babysitter for an ill child, help on driving them around to their hobbies or whatever else. And not only is father in law a great guy, also husband's siblings are a great bunch. So detaching from them has never really been an option for us. Especially when that tight family connection was one thing I fell in love with with my husband and something I always graved and wanted to give to my kids. So while mother in law is mother in law and drives me bonkers at times, I have always considered having them in so big parts in our life a positive thing and wouldn't change that. Of course one can consider my willingness to stand the problems of that to be a product of my dysfunctional childhood. I doubt any of my husband's siblings' spouses would be quite as tolerant and they have even said they would never had survived living quite this close, living in the house that used to be theirs (you can bet that causes some issues even in best circumstances) and having mother in law quite as big part of our everyday life. [/QUOTE]
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