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Family of Origin issues / Parenting
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<blockquote data-quote="Sabine" data-source="post: 619390" data-attributes="member: 17639"><p>I agree, middle ground would be very nice <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Maybe the 3rd generation has the best chance. They have the unique opportunity to see (for example) strict grandparents and lenient parents.. so maybe they are the ones that can make the choice of the middle ground.</p><p></p><p>That's my goal as a parent (kids are 13, 10, 8).. I should get back on in 20 years to update my success or failure.</p><p></p><p>My own story, for what it's worth:</p><p></p><p>My grandmother had 5 children. When the youngest was 5, he ran into the street and was struck by a car. He didn't die, but became mentally and physically disabled. While the child was still in the hospital, my grandfather killed himself. He was already suffering depression, and the accident just put him over the edge. Grandma then had to raise the children all by herself. She had to go back to work, learn to drive, etc. etc. </p><p></p><p>Meanwhile, my mother was her 2nd to youngest child. Mom was extremely quiet and shy. She was Grandma's "easy" child. Mom grew up, was very bright (valedictorian of her high school.. free ride to college). The summer after her second year in college, she went to a work-study program, and while at the program, she met my Dad.</p><p></p><p>They got married 14 days after meeting.</p><p></p><p>Dad wanted to be the "man of the house", so didn't want his wife going back to school. Mom dropped out. She promptly became pregnant, and again, and again.. so she was a stay at home mom of 3 kids.</p><p></p><p>Now with that background, it's easy to see how Grandma would have been quite strict.. she was doing everything in her power to keep the family together and keep things from fraying right apart. </p><p></p><p>Mom fell in love and got swept away from all the rules and work and responsibilities that were so prevalent in her mom's house. Of course, then she became poor as dirt trying to raise three children, and all those teenage dreams flitted away, never to be regained.</p><p></p><p>Dad was dyslexic. This was a huge problem from the get-go because it kept him from getting an education and a good job. He was very bright with fixing electronics and such, but there wasn't much money in any of that. Mom would have had the chance of "being someone", but the traditional gender roles ruled the early part of their marriage.</p><p></p><p>My eldest brother was the most "dysfunctional", he used some drugs and alcohol, played mailbox baseball, etc.. general misfit. Dropped out of high school (but went back and got his GED). He later had trouble with depression, but at the moment he's doing fairly well working with computers at a big company. </p><p></p><p>My middle brother did very well for himself. He was very gifted and was on a team that helped develop the MP3 technology. He passed away a couple years ago, leaving behind 3 small children and a wife. </p><p></p><p>Me, I'm a stay at home mom, following very closely in my mother's footsteps (my husband is not that similar to my father though.. he's not dyslexic, he's ADHD instead, and he's holding a decent job).</p><p></p><p>Had my mother lived past 49, I could see her on this board talking about my oldest brother. He was still living at home at the time of her death, and was generally shiftless etc. (despite having gone to college and doing a stint in the Navy). Even after she died, he didn't pull himself up and out of a major funk until my middle brother invited him to come and interview at his company. Eldest brother had hit rock bottom by that point, and agreed to move.</p><p></p><p>Same parents, 3 different results. Parents shouldn't be hard on themselves. I really feel kids are born the way they are, and they're not as responsible for the end product as what society might want us to think. Granted, severe abuse/neglect/etc. will make a difference, but in the majority of homes where nothing horrible happens, some kids turn out well, others not so much. Society and culture has just as much influence in my opinion.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Sabine, post: 619390, member: 17639"] I agree, middle ground would be very nice :) Maybe the 3rd generation has the best chance. They have the unique opportunity to see (for example) strict grandparents and lenient parents.. so maybe they are the ones that can make the choice of the middle ground. That's my goal as a parent (kids are 13, 10, 8).. I should get back on in 20 years to update my success or failure. My own story, for what it's worth: My grandmother had 5 children. When the youngest was 5, he ran into the street and was struck by a car. He didn't die, but became mentally and physically disabled. While the child was still in the hospital, my grandfather killed himself. He was already suffering depression, and the accident just put him over the edge. Grandma then had to raise the children all by herself. She had to go back to work, learn to drive, etc. etc. Meanwhile, my mother was her 2nd to youngest child. Mom was extremely quiet and shy. She was Grandma's "easy" child. Mom grew up, was very bright (valedictorian of her high school.. free ride to college). The summer after her second year in college, she went to a work-study program, and while at the program, she met my Dad. They got married 14 days after meeting. Dad wanted to be the "man of the house", so didn't want his wife going back to school. Mom dropped out. She promptly became pregnant, and again, and again.. so she was a stay at home mom of 3 kids. Now with that background, it's easy to see how Grandma would have been quite strict.. she was doing everything in her power to keep the family together and keep things from fraying right apart. Mom fell in love and got swept away from all the rules and work and responsibilities that were so prevalent in her mom's house. Of course, then she became poor as dirt trying to raise three children, and all those teenage dreams flitted away, never to be regained. Dad was dyslexic. This was a huge problem from the get-go because it kept him from getting an education and a good job. He was very bright with fixing electronics and such, but there wasn't much money in any of that. Mom would have had the chance of "being someone", but the traditional gender roles ruled the early part of their marriage. My eldest brother was the most "dysfunctional", he used some drugs and alcohol, played mailbox baseball, etc.. general misfit. Dropped out of high school (but went back and got his GED). He later had trouble with depression, but at the moment he's doing fairly well working with computers at a big company. My middle brother did very well for himself. He was very gifted and was on a team that helped develop the MP3 technology. He passed away a couple years ago, leaving behind 3 small children and a wife. Me, I'm a stay at home mom, following very closely in my mother's footsteps (my husband is not that similar to my father though.. he's not dyslexic, he's ADHD instead, and he's holding a decent job). Had my mother lived past 49, I could see her on this board talking about my oldest brother. He was still living at home at the time of her death, and was generally shiftless etc. (despite having gone to college and doing a stint in the Navy). Even after she died, he didn't pull himself up and out of a major funk until my middle brother invited him to come and interview at his company. Eldest brother had hit rock bottom by that point, and agreed to move. Same parents, 3 different results. Parents shouldn't be hard on themselves. I really feel kids are born the way they are, and they're not as responsible for the end product as what society might want us to think. Granted, severe abuse/neglect/etc. will make a difference, but in the majority of homes where nothing horrible happens, some kids turn out well, others not so much. Society and culture has just as much influence in my opinion. [/QUOTE]
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