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Substance Abuse
Feeling guilty for sons continued behavior
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 725684" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Hi Tammie!! Welcome! I am sorry you are feeling so guilty. Somehow we parents fall into that trap. It is an ugly trap, isn't it?</p><p></p><p>Please give AlAnon another try. Go to meetings at different times and places until you find one that works for you. Each one has a different dynamic because it has different people in it. It really can be a huge help. Or if you are more comfortable with a private therapist, that is okay also. Or do both. You will find it frees you up from so much, and changes you life in many positive ways!</p><p></p><p>You might also read the article on detachment (<a href="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/" target="_blank">https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/</a> ). It is normally on the top of the Parents Emeritus forum if you want to find it without searching this thread. </p><p></p><p>Another great read is CoDependent No More by Melanie Beattie. It is a classic for a reason!</p><p></p><p>I know it is hard to have your son in jail. Maybe jail is where he needs to be. When he calls you, you don't have to accept his calls. Set a limit on how many times a week he can call you, and how long each call can be. If all he is doing is spilling garbage on you and making you miserable, you don't need to have that happen all the time. He can write letters to you if he wants to talk about nonsense. Give him 5-8 minutes to talk about his case and anything that is really crucial. It will keep him from dumping too much toxic sludge. Set a timer and when that timer goes off, hang up. Make sure your husband is on board with this and will help you hang up. Tell your son that this is a consequence for saying such ugly things to you while he is in jail. He has upset you too much and now he can only talk to you on certain days for a very short period of time. </p><p></p><p>I have friends who did this with their child when he got arrested and kept blaming them for it. They didn't call the police, they didn't commit the crime, they didn't even live in the same state. How it was their fault, no one could figure out. But their son was awful to them for several calls, blaming them and calling them some horrible names, and threatening them with what he would do when he got out. Finally his dad told him that he could call twice a week for 5 minutes to ask about his dog and his siblings, and to apologize. Nothing else. If he had questions about his case, he could call his lawyer. If he had things to say to his parents, he could write a letter. Being hung up on a few times after that really shocked the son. </p><p></p><p>Please know the garbage your son spews right now is nonsense. It is the drugs and the withdrawal and the stupidity talking. I don't know if he will get over those things, he might get stuck in this phase. You never know, really. But what he says is nonsense. Reject it adamantly. Don't buy into it. </p><p></p><p>I am so glad you have an amazing husband to support you. When he is home, let him handle the phone calls and just reject the calls from the prison. There is no requirement that you pay for calls from your son if he is being rude and insulting and aggressive. If someone came to your door and started yelling insults and threats and insisted you open it, you could call the police or just refuse to open it, couldn't you? That phone is just another doorway into your home and your life. If your son is abusive over the phone, hang up on him. Let him know that you will speak to him again, open that doorway again, when he is ready to be polite. Get the message through that abusive or harassing behavior is simply not going to be tolerated. If he threatens violence, please tell the jail staff as they need to know.</p><p></p><p>I know that may seem strange or over the top, but it is a way to start teaching him to respect you. What better time is there? Now he has to talk to you if he wants help with anything. He depends on you. He also has people there who can deal with him if he gets out of control. He will have guards there and doctors on staff and other professionals who can keep track of his behavior. he also cannot get to either you or your husband to threaten you. Is there a better time or place for him to learn this lesson?</p><p></p><p>I just threw a lot of information at you. Use what will help you, what seems like it fits for you. Discard or ignore whatever won't help you. It won't hurt my feelings at all, not even if you ignore every single thing I said. I hope that you are able to work things out so that everything is wonderful for you.</p><p></p><p>(((((hugs)))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 725684, member: 1233"] Hi Tammie!! Welcome! I am sorry you are feeling so guilty. Somehow we parents fall into that trap. It is an ugly trap, isn't it? Please give AlAnon another try. Go to meetings at different times and places until you find one that works for you. Each one has a different dynamic because it has different people in it. It really can be a huge help. Or if you are more comfortable with a private therapist, that is okay also. Or do both. You will find it frees you up from so much, and changes you life in many positive ways! You might also read the article on detachment ([URL]https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/[/URL] ). It is normally on the top of the Parents Emeritus forum if you want to find it without searching this thread. Another great read is CoDependent No More by Melanie Beattie. It is a classic for a reason! I know it is hard to have your son in jail. Maybe jail is where he needs to be. When he calls you, you don't have to accept his calls. Set a limit on how many times a week he can call you, and how long each call can be. If all he is doing is spilling garbage on you and making you miserable, you don't need to have that happen all the time. He can write letters to you if he wants to talk about nonsense. Give him 5-8 minutes to talk about his case and anything that is really crucial. It will keep him from dumping too much toxic sludge. Set a timer and when that timer goes off, hang up. Make sure your husband is on board with this and will help you hang up. Tell your son that this is a consequence for saying such ugly things to you while he is in jail. He has upset you too much and now he can only talk to you on certain days for a very short period of time. I have friends who did this with their child when he got arrested and kept blaming them for it. They didn't call the police, they didn't commit the crime, they didn't even live in the same state. How it was their fault, no one could figure out. But their son was awful to them for several calls, blaming them and calling them some horrible names, and threatening them with what he would do when he got out. Finally his dad told him that he could call twice a week for 5 minutes to ask about his dog and his siblings, and to apologize. Nothing else. If he had questions about his case, he could call his lawyer. If he had things to say to his parents, he could write a letter. Being hung up on a few times after that really shocked the son. Please know the garbage your son spews right now is nonsense. It is the drugs and the withdrawal and the stupidity talking. I don't know if he will get over those things, he might get stuck in this phase. You never know, really. But what he says is nonsense. Reject it adamantly. Don't buy into it. I am so glad you have an amazing husband to support you. When he is home, let him handle the phone calls and just reject the calls from the prison. There is no requirement that you pay for calls from your son if he is being rude and insulting and aggressive. If someone came to your door and started yelling insults and threats and insisted you open it, you could call the police or just refuse to open it, couldn't you? That phone is just another doorway into your home and your life. If your son is abusive over the phone, hang up on him. Let him know that you will speak to him again, open that doorway again, when he is ready to be polite. Get the message through that abusive or harassing behavior is simply not going to be tolerated. If he threatens violence, please tell the jail staff as they need to know. I know that may seem strange or over the top, but it is a way to start teaching him to respect you. What better time is there? Now he has to talk to you if he wants help with anything. He depends on you. He also has people there who can deal with him if he gets out of control. He will have guards there and doctors on staff and other professionals who can keep track of his behavior. he also cannot get to either you or your husband to threaten you. Is there a better time or place for him to learn this lesson? I just threw a lot of information at you. Use what will help you, what seems like it fits for you. Discard or ignore whatever won't help you. It won't hurt my feelings at all, not even if you ignore every single thing I said. I hope that you are able to work things out so that everything is wonderful for you. (((((hugs))))) [/QUOTE]
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