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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 663945" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>I am still having great difficulty accepting the current situation. Yes, the part that required filing a restraining order against my own son. Total disbelief. Just, like a scared robot (could a robot ever be scared?). Yes, I had to protect my other son. I just don't register My danger.</p><p></p><p>But the fact that I could be in imminent danger from my son. With my PTSD, I numb out without will. I block out even remembering the most scary insidences. I minimize their danger. I have done this since I was 11. Unfortunately I am very astute at this without even trying.</p><p></p><p>I have been told that I need to work on this so that I do not have life long PTSD. When I am fearful, it gives me break - through simple partial seizures from my craniotomy, i.e. transitory tingling on my right side. I also have phantom sensations of touch. It feels like someone is touching the right side of my head when I am scared. Getting reduced sleep and being under constant fear has greatly increased my cortisol levels. I became pre diabetic last year. I need to get my PTSD under contol.</p><p></p><p>I read and write down a lot of any information pertaining to what I am going through. I force myself to read actual cases of violence. And reread...and reread!!! It is very difficult! I need to be able to not numb out and minimize or forget what happened to me. This increases my fear, but helps me to realize the truth and not numb out.</p><p></p><p>With therapy, I have been able to bring to active consciousness events that I down-play. It is very hard work, but very necessary. I have blocked out a lot.</p><p></p><p>I had mentioned before, I think, that about 3 weeks before the incident of his command hallucinations, he had threatened my life in a more violent way. Two weeks before this, he had flipped a large table with an antique lamp, marble statue, etc. on it across the room. I had been discussing seeing a doctor.</p><p></p><p>On this evening, I had tried, yet again, in a calm moment, to bring up his seeing a doctor. He poured a 2 liter sized bottle all over the students' tests that I was correcting. I told him firmly that I would have to call the police if he continued to act out. I had started to tell him weeks earlier that he could no longer live in my home if he did not get help to address his violence.</p><p></p><p>He took a glass bottle by the neck, cracked it against the counter in the kitchen, and held it out directly to my throat. He glared at me and shouted, "Call the police and see what happens to you!" His face had an expression that I had never seen before.</p><p></p><p>He just must have seen my face of sheer horror. His demeanor quickly changed and he smiled. He laughed a very nervous laugh and said, "I was just joking. I will clean it up". He had NEVER cleaned anything up before. Ever. </p><p></p><p>I quickly left the house. I went the next day after work to the courthouse. I still had not decided if I should file an eviction or a restraining order. I was told there to file a restraining order, but decided to address the issue after school was out in 3 weeks... He was still, after all, my son.</p><p></p><p>The command hallucination ordering my son to kill me took place on my first official day of Summer.</p><p></p><p>It has been discussed, in therapy, that the bottle incident was not just a joke, but rather a practice attempt to kill me or worse, a real attempt. This is a very chilling realization, to say the least. I have minimized this incident. I could not even think that my own son could even do this...actually kill me! My mind wants to believe him, that it was just a "joke"...a very sick...bizarre joke. But, it wasn't.</p><p></p><p>Perhaps it was my face full of surprise and sheer terror that made him stop. His voices were with him always, telling him to do things. He did not talk to them outside of his room, but they were still very present. I have to realize that they could of been shouting to him to kill me right then! Did he 'chicken out'? Did he, on some level, realize what he was about to do? Did his love for me override the commands from his voices? I had heard him, soon after in his room, begging for them to "come back" and "not leave him". Were they 'mad' at him for not following their orders?</p><p></p><p>Most poor women who are killed by their adult paranoid schizophrenic sons have no warning. Yes, they have emergency contact lists and plan to "sprint from the house" when there are any signs of danger. One poor woman's last text to her husband said that it was hard dealing with her son, and that she did not want to fear him. She ended the text by saying, "I know that I will survive".</p><p></p><p>I still block out recognizing this possibility. It does not register. I keep having active flashbacks of his violent expression and having the jagged bottle held to my throat. It must be registering on some level. On some primal level. I just cannot accept it. It is My SON! My previously wonderful, protective, loving son...</p><p></p><p>I have been told that I was in extreme danger that day.</p><p></p><p>This is what I cannot accept...that my own son would have the capability to actualize harm me, let alone kill me!!! I have been his mother for 35 years. I have forced myself to read actual cases of mothers being killed my their adult paranoid schizophrenic sons. They all were actively trying to get their sons to seek treatment...initial, ongoing, increasing medications, changing medications, complying with medications, or hospitalization. ..but treatment. These poor women were all killed while they were trying to help their sons! They were trying, in a living and kind way, for their sons to realize that they needed treatment...that they were even ill or that they needed a doctor or medications.</p><p></p><p>PTSD is a very strange thing. Yes, it is a natural defense to try to block out something terrifying. It still does not register...not My SON...my loving son... Please God, Not My SON!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 663945, member: 19245"] I am still having great difficulty accepting the current situation. Yes, the part that required filing a restraining order against my own son. Total disbelief. Just, like a scared robot (could a robot ever be scared?). Yes, I had to protect my other son. I just don't register My danger. But the fact that I could be in imminent danger from my son. With my PTSD, I numb out without will. I block out even remembering the most scary insidences. I minimize their danger. I have done this since I was 11. Unfortunately I am very astute at this without even trying. I have been told that I need to work on this so that I do not have life long PTSD. When I am fearful, it gives me break - through simple partial seizures from my craniotomy, i.e. transitory tingling on my right side. I also have phantom sensations of touch. It feels like someone is touching the right side of my head when I am scared. Getting reduced sleep and being under constant fear has greatly increased my cortisol levels. I became pre diabetic last year. I need to get my PTSD under contol. I read and write down a lot of any information pertaining to what I am going through. I force myself to read actual cases of violence. And reread...and reread!!! It is very difficult! I need to be able to not numb out and minimize or forget what happened to me. This increases my fear, but helps me to realize the truth and not numb out. With therapy, I have been able to bring to active consciousness events that I down-play. It is very hard work, but very necessary. I have blocked out a lot. I had mentioned before, I think, that about 3 weeks before the incident of his command hallucinations, he had threatened my life in a more violent way. Two weeks before this, he had flipped a large table with an antique lamp, marble statue, etc. on it across the room. I had been discussing seeing a doctor. On this evening, I had tried, yet again, in a calm moment, to bring up his seeing a doctor. He poured a 2 liter sized bottle all over the students' tests that I was correcting. I told him firmly that I would have to call the police if he continued to act out. I had started to tell him weeks earlier that he could no longer live in my home if he did not get help to address his violence. He took a glass bottle by the neck, cracked it against the counter in the kitchen, and held it out directly to my throat. He glared at me and shouted, "Call the police and see what happens to you!" His face had an expression that I had never seen before. He just must have seen my face of sheer horror. His demeanor quickly changed and he smiled. He laughed a very nervous laugh and said, "I was just joking. I will clean it up". He had NEVER cleaned anything up before. Ever. I quickly left the house. I went the next day after work to the courthouse. I still had not decided if I should file an eviction or a restraining order. I was told there to file a restraining order, but decided to address the issue after school was out in 3 weeks... He was still, after all, my son. The command hallucination ordering my son to kill me took place on my first official day of Summer. It has been discussed, in therapy, that the bottle incident was not just a joke, but rather a practice attempt to kill me or worse, a real attempt. This is a very chilling realization, to say the least. I have minimized this incident. I could not even think that my own son could even do this...actually kill me! My mind wants to believe him, that it was just a "joke"...a very sick...bizarre joke. But, it wasn't. Perhaps it was my face full of surprise and sheer terror that made him stop. His voices were with him always, telling him to do things. He did not talk to them outside of his room, but they were still very present. I have to realize that they could of been shouting to him to kill me right then! Did he 'chicken out'? Did he, on some level, realize what he was about to do? Did his love for me override the commands from his voices? I had heard him, soon after in his room, begging for them to "come back" and "not leave him". Were they 'mad' at him for not following their orders? Most poor women who are killed by their adult paranoid schizophrenic sons have no warning. Yes, they have emergency contact lists and plan to "sprint from the house" when there are any signs of danger. One poor woman's last text to her husband said that it was hard dealing with her son, and that she did not want to fear him. She ended the text by saying, "I know that I will survive". I still block out recognizing this possibility. It does not register. I keep having active flashbacks of his violent expression and having the jagged bottle held to my throat. It must be registering on some level. On some primal level. I just cannot accept it. It is My SON! My previously wonderful, protective, loving son... I have been told that I was in extreme danger that day. This is what I cannot accept...that my own son would have the capability to actualize harm me, let alone kill me!!! I have been his mother for 35 years. I have forced myself to read actual cases of mothers being killed my their adult paranoid schizophrenic sons. They all were actively trying to get their sons to seek treatment...initial, ongoing, increasing medications, changing medications, complying with medications, or hospitalization. ..but treatment. These poor women were all killed while they were trying to help their sons! They were trying, in a living and kind way, for their sons to realize that they needed treatment...that they were even ill or that they needed a doctor or medications. PTSD is a very strange thing. Yes, it is a natural defense to try to block out something terrifying. It still does not register...not My SON...my loving son... Please God, Not My SON!!! [/QUOTE]
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