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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 664515" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Feeling,</p><p></p><p>What an unfortunate experience to be stranded like that. You were very brave and independent to do what you did.</p><p></p><p>You know that most of us would have fallen apart in those circumstances.</p><p></p><p>We are not our normal selves now. At least I am not. A lot of times, I have not even wanted to leave the house. But I am getting better now. I am even planning a train trip cross country.</p><p></p><p>With your son the thing is this: You had no good and easy choices. Only hard ones. You made the best choice of those you had.</p><p></p><p>The reality is that you do not know how your son is feeling and how he is doing.</p><p></p><p>He may have found a place to feel safe, and a routine that is comfortable. He may have been admitted to a treatment facility.</p><p></p><p>The thing is you do not know.</p><p></p><p>The thing that is clear is that you could not have gone on like you were. Even if it had been safe, it was not good for your son.</p><p></p><p>There is potential now, with treatment, for him to improve and have a life. Even if he is having a hard time, he is now living real life. </p><p></p><p>You imagine things as very bad. How does that help you? Or him? Again, you do not know. You have no control. It does not help him or you to go there. You know that.</p><p></p><p>I think you go there for your guilt. You imagine that it will protect him if you suffer. It will not. That is magical thinking. That you suffer, will affect his circumstances not at all.</p><p></p><p>You cannot compare your psyche, your fears, to his. Your minds do not work the same. All of that agony is just that. Agony. Wasted energy. Wasted life. Your love for your son is so great, I do not believe you would want to, in his name, to live in agony and futility.</p><p></p><p>You will need to get a handle on yourself. For him.</p><p></p><p>I believe he knows and feels your love. For him, you can find a place of love and devotion and peace in your heart. I believe that energy will touch him. I do not know why I believe that. I just do.</p><p></p><p>Even if you could divine what he feels, how would it help him? He has got to work this out himself. Or not. He is an adult male. This is the 21rst century. There are resources in the community mentally health system to care for people such as your son and my own. They can do this. Others do.</p><p></p><p>I am going to say something harsh here: keeping your son home with you, you did as much or more for yourself, as for him.</p><p></p><p>He has a chance now. It is safer for everybody, I believe that.</p><p></p><p>I have had to endure my son homeless, too. It was hard, but I had to do it. And my son has a serious physical illness for which he does not take the treatment that would control it.</p><p></p><p>If I think about it, I get frantic too. But I can only take so much, so I try not to go there.</p><p></p><p>I make that choice to not, because I want to live. If I torture I myself too much, I know it wil debilitate me. There will be a point past which I will not come back.</p><p></p><p>I want to be here for my son, but not be consumed by him or by my worry over him.</p><p></p><p>As far as school, you wil do it because you have to. You are a professional and you will rise to the occasion.</p><p></p><p>I wish with all my heart that it had not come to this.</p><p></p><p>But, I think the only way to handle this is to turn it over to the divine. I think of the currents in the ocean that carried that Malaysian air plane to Madagascar. Thousands and thousands of miles.</p><p></p><p>Those currents will carry your son to you. We do not know when or how...but in cases like this we must believe.</p><p></p><p>The destiny of your son is no longer in your hands. That is a good thing. For a long time you could no longer protect him or give him what he needs.</p><p></p><p>I know your son knew what happened and why. He more than anybody knew what were his thoughts and feelings. He was the one that battled them hour after hour, day after day. He knows you love him. He knows what happened. For all you know, he might feel relief that the both of you are safe.</p><p></p><p>Right now it is in your power to take care of yourself and nothing more. This has to be enough for now. It is your job to learn how to do this. Try to concentrate on what you need to do so that you can become strong enough to live your life.</p><p></p><p>There is no other way here, Feeling, for me either. Sometimes I remember that my son might be dying. Or maybe he is not. I am suspended between these possibilities, with no control.</p><p></p><p>The only thing I can do is to decide to take care of myself and learn to live well. There is strength in that decision, and there will be for you, too.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p><p></p><p>PS If it were me I would ditch that mean guy therapist. What he told you about the circling in the water is sadistic and untrue. I would not even go back.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 664515, member: 18958"] Hi Feeling, What an unfortunate experience to be stranded like that. You were very brave and independent to do what you did. You know that most of us would have fallen apart in those circumstances. We are not our normal selves now. At least I am not. A lot of times, I have not even wanted to leave the house. But I am getting better now. I am even planning a train trip cross country. With your son the thing is this: You had no good and easy choices. Only hard ones. You made the best choice of those you had. The reality is that you do not know how your son is feeling and how he is doing. He may have found a place to feel safe, and a routine that is comfortable. He may have been admitted to a treatment facility. The thing is you do not know. The thing that is clear is that you could not have gone on like you were. Even if it had been safe, it was not good for your son. There is potential now, with treatment, for him to improve and have a life. Even if he is having a hard time, he is now living real life. You imagine things as very bad. How does that help you? Or him? Again, you do not know. You have no control. It does not help him or you to go there. You know that. I think you go there for your guilt. You imagine that it will protect him if you suffer. It will not. That is magical thinking. That you suffer, will affect his circumstances not at all. You cannot compare your psyche, your fears, to his. Your minds do not work the same. All of that agony is just that. Agony. Wasted energy. Wasted life. Your love for your son is so great, I do not believe you would want to, in his name, to live in agony and futility. You will need to get a handle on yourself. For him. I believe he knows and feels your love. For him, you can find a place of love and devotion and peace in your heart. I believe that energy will touch him. I do not know why I believe that. I just do. Even if you could divine what he feels, how would it help him? He has got to work this out himself. Or not. He is an adult male. This is the 21rst century. There are resources in the community mentally health system to care for people such as your son and my own. They can do this. Others do. I am going to say something harsh here: keeping your son home with you, you did as much or more for yourself, as for him. He has a chance now. It is safer for everybody, I believe that. I have had to endure my son homeless, too. It was hard, but I had to do it. And my son has a serious physical illness for which he does not take the treatment that would control it. If I think about it, I get frantic too. But I can only take so much, so I try not to go there. I make that choice to not, because I want to live. If I torture I myself too much, I know it wil debilitate me. There will be a point past which I will not come back. I want to be here for my son, but not be consumed by him or by my worry over him. As far as school, you wil do it because you have to. You are a professional and you will rise to the occasion. I wish with all my heart that it had not come to this. But, I think the only way to handle this is to turn it over to the divine. I think of the currents in the ocean that carried that Malaysian air plane to Madagascar. Thousands and thousands of miles. Those currents will carry your son to you. We do not know when or how...but in cases like this we must believe. The destiny of your son is no longer in your hands. That is a good thing. For a long time you could no longer protect him or give him what he needs. I know your son knew what happened and why. He more than anybody knew what were his thoughts and feelings. He was the one that battled them hour after hour, day after day. He knows you love him. He knows what happened. For all you know, he might feel relief that the both of you are safe. Right now it is in your power to take care of yourself and nothing more. This has to be enough for now. It is your job to learn how to do this. Try to concentrate on what you need to do so that you can become strong enough to live your life. There is no other way here, Feeling, for me either. Sometimes I remember that my son might be dying. Or maybe he is not. I am suspended between these possibilities, with no control. The only thing I can do is to decide to take care of myself and learn to live well. There is strength in that decision, and there will be for you, too. COPA PS If it were me I would ditch that mean guy therapist. What he told you about the circling in the water is sadistic and untrue. I would not even go back. [/QUOTE]
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