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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 667681" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>I want to check in with all of the wonderful people on this site. I have been teaching, which is very difficult for me now because of what I am going through. The positive aspect...is that I am distracted from my constant worry and perseveration about the current state of my schizophrenic son.</p><p></p><p>I spend my weekends alone. I am single. I wish that I had someone that I could just take off with and drive. My youngest son is very busy and has his own life. That is the way that it should be...especially now that he feels that I am safer. He needs to heal and enjoy being young. When I do go off on my own, and I do love to take day trips, all I have is my internal dialog of worry and self-doubt. My thoughts travel with me. The person I used to go on day trips with was my ill son.</p><p></p><p>I divorced my second husband in 2008. I have had no guests at the house because of my ill son. The house is in a total state of disrepair. I have the chance to bring out my breakables and start to fix up my house. I have no energy. I stopped caring when my ill son would destroy and throw food all over my house. I am depressed. I no longer have to worry about things being broken...but I do not care anymore.</p><p></p><p>I have reread the warm and insightful words of encouragement from the posts. When I am feeling sad or down, I start rereading. The words give me renewed strength. I feel that I am able to face one more day. Thank you for that.</p><p></p><p>I always felt that helping my son was my responsibility. I do accept now, that I did what I had to do. No options were left. It was the ONLY way that I could keep my youngest son safe. Both of my other sons needed to be free of worrying about my safety.</p><p></p><p>The point I still evaluated over and over and over again was, "What could I have done differently???" I felt that it was up to me to keep my ill son from getting worse. I felt such extreme guilt. I am his mother, my family has schizophrenia in their DNA, I am a special education teacher, AND I am a high achiever...I meet my goals!</p><p></p><p>I mentally kicked myself daily and felt like I had failed my son. Today with my therapist, I breached the subject. She asked me what else I could have done? I started on a long list of things that I would have done, or done more, or done differently. She said three words that stopped me in my tracks. Yes, you could have done those things...but "you could be dead!"</p><p></p><p>She said that I was in a very, very dangerous situation. If I had pushed him harder, we do not know what he would have done. I started tearing up. I rarely cry, especially in front of someone. I felt , yes the fear of it all, but more so, a sort of release from my guilt. I had permission to have not tried all of the other possible stategies. I feel that I can finally forgive myself. I always felt that I could have, somehow, had done better. I teared up because that scared 11 year old girl deep inside of me, the traumatized girl from growing up with my schizophrenic sister, was told that it was okay. I did my best...and it was okay.</p><p></p><p>Throughout this whole ordeal, I put myself on the bottom. My needs were not important. I got the restraining order to keep my youngest son safe. I also wanted to protect my ill son from his possible violent actions, prison, or having to live with the knowledge that he had hurt or killed us. </p><p></p><p>My therapist wanted me to tell her how I did it to save myself. I didn't. If my youngest son did not live with me...I would still be with my ill son...still trying to get him to receive help. I told her that I did not run out of the house because I had a good self concept and knew that I deserved a safe place to live. No. It was a basal, primitive animalistic urge to get away now...no thought was involved. Just fleeing quickly.</p><p></p><p>My therapist is amazed at the amount if danger that I lived with. By her saying that if I had tried more that I could be dead was at the same primal level. No other words are needed. Yes, it is still immensely difficult to accept that my own son, while in the throes of delusional psychosis, could have killed me. But, I need to face the truth. That was a possible realty. </p><p></p><p>I am feeling better tonight. I turned a very crucial corner. I forgave myself. I still worry...I am still very concerned, but my horrible guilt has been eased. </p><p></p><p>Yes, I can finally say, in earnest, that I tried my best...and believe it!</p><p></p><p>Take care. Thank you to all of my supportive, wonderful friends. I am truly blessed to have found you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 667681, member: 19245"] I want to check in with all of the wonderful people on this site. I have been teaching, which is very difficult for me now because of what I am going through. The positive aspect...is that I am distracted from my constant worry and perseveration about the current state of my schizophrenic son. I spend my weekends alone. I am single. I wish that I had someone that I could just take off with and drive. My youngest son is very busy and has his own life. That is the way that it should be...especially now that he feels that I am safer. He needs to heal and enjoy being young. When I do go off on my own, and I do love to take day trips, all I have is my internal dialog of worry and self-doubt. My thoughts travel with me. The person I used to go on day trips with was my ill son. I divorced my second husband in 2008. I have had no guests at the house because of my ill son. The house is in a total state of disrepair. I have the chance to bring out my breakables and start to fix up my house. I have no energy. I stopped caring when my ill son would destroy and throw food all over my house. I am depressed. I no longer have to worry about things being broken...but I do not care anymore. I have reread the warm and insightful words of encouragement from the posts. When I am feeling sad or down, I start rereading. The words give me renewed strength. I feel that I am able to face one more day. Thank you for that. I always felt that helping my son was my responsibility. I do accept now, that I did what I had to do. No options were left. It was the ONLY way that I could keep my youngest son safe. Both of my other sons needed to be free of worrying about my safety. The point I still evaluated over and over and over again was, "What could I have done differently???" I felt that it was up to me to keep my ill son from getting worse. I felt such extreme guilt. I am his mother, my family has schizophrenia in their DNA, I am a special education teacher, AND I am a high achiever...I meet my goals! I mentally kicked myself daily and felt like I had failed my son. Today with my therapist, I breached the subject. She asked me what else I could have done? I started on a long list of things that I would have done, or done more, or done differently. She said three words that stopped me in my tracks. Yes, you could have done those things...but "you could be dead!" She said that I was in a very, very dangerous situation. If I had pushed him harder, we do not know what he would have done. I started tearing up. I rarely cry, especially in front of someone. I felt , yes the fear of it all, but more so, a sort of release from my guilt. I had permission to have not tried all of the other possible stategies. I feel that I can finally forgive myself. I always felt that I could have, somehow, had done better. I teared up because that scared 11 year old girl deep inside of me, the traumatized girl from growing up with my schizophrenic sister, was told that it was okay. I did my best...and it was okay. Throughout this whole ordeal, I put myself on the bottom. My needs were not important. I got the restraining order to keep my youngest son safe. I also wanted to protect my ill son from his possible violent actions, prison, or having to live with the knowledge that he had hurt or killed us. My therapist wanted me to tell her how I did it to save myself. I didn't. If my youngest son did not live with me...I would still be with my ill son...still trying to get him to receive help. I told her that I did not run out of the house because I had a good self concept and knew that I deserved a safe place to live. No. It was a basal, primitive animalistic urge to get away now...no thought was involved. Just fleeing quickly. My therapist is amazed at the amount if danger that I lived with. By her saying that if I had tried more that I could be dead was at the same primal level. No other words are needed. Yes, it is still immensely difficult to accept that my own son, while in the throes of delusional psychosis, could have killed me. But, I need to face the truth. That was a possible realty. I am feeling better tonight. I turned a very crucial corner. I forgave myself. I still worry...I am still very concerned, but my horrible guilt has been eased. Yes, I can finally say, in earnest, that I tried my best...and believe it! Take care. Thank you to all of my supportive, wonderful friends. I am truly blessed to have found you. [/QUOTE]
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