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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 668031" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>I am not doing very well. I really am trying to be strong. It has only been 2 months. I worry almost all of the time. My ill son, because he has schizophrenia, is not in touch with reality. He can't just start to be better. He can go up and down in his symtoms, but he is still delusional with voices that tear him down. His paranoia and voices will probably keep him from getting help...He does not think he is ill.</p><p></p><p>I do not think that he will ever call me. The last time, 9 years ago, he stayed away in a different state living in his for a year without calling because I had gone into his room. Now...I have a restraining order for 5 years. The judges decides. He will not call because of the restraining order and he is afraid of others tapping the line or spying on him.</p><p></p><p>I know that I did the only thing that I could do, but it is so very difficult to be hopeful. Schizophrenia is in a whole different class. He thinks that others are out to get him. The police pulling him out of his room probably made his delusions worse. He knows that I was in on it...</p><p></p><p>Yes, I hope that his delusions and voices that plaque him are lessened. ..but will I ever see my son again?</p><p></p><p>I feel guilty if I have a somewhat good time, which is very rare these days, and the nights are unbearable. I am trying to think good thoughts, but my heart is breaking. It is not his fault that he has schizophrenia. When I think of him before the illness took over...I just cry. He was always so kind, funny, handsome, an excellent student, and always protected me...now I am afraid of him because of his delusions and command hallucinations. It isn't fair that he has this disease. Each day he is tortured by his thoughts and fears. The unknown is killing me.</p><p></p><p>He is all alone out there. He does not trust people. He is probably scared. I cannot help him. There is no way that I can help him. The mental health system is horrible. I miss him so much.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry that I am complaining so much. It is hard to have hope. I do not want him to get hurt or hurt himself because his voices tell him to. </p><p></p><p>A therapist told me the day after it happened that I was right...he IS like a child out there. I feel like the worst mom in the world. I know that I am not, but I feel that way...and it is my DNA. I know that is not my fault either, but ...just the same. What a horrible'gift' to give my son. </p><p></p><p>Will I ever see him again? How am I going to carry on? A mother is supposed to protect their child? </p><p></p><p>Yes, I had a true Sophie's choice. I chose to protect my youngest son. I was right in doing that. Yes, I protected my ill son from his possible actions. That was also the correct thing to do. </p><p></p><p>But, he cannot help being ill. He did not deserve this life sentence. He does not deserve to be without his family out on the streets, probably living in fear. He is not probably going to seek treatment because, in his mind, he is sane and everyone is out to get him. He told me once that if I knew the 'truth' that I would be sad. His delusions and voIces are real to him. </p><p></p><p>He will not contact me because now he believes that the police are 'out to get him' and all of the neighbors that he thought were watching him saw him escorted out of the tract by the police. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry. I am just in a very bad place right now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 668031, member: 19245"] I am not doing very well. I really am trying to be strong. It has only been 2 months. I worry almost all of the time. My ill son, because he has schizophrenia, is not in touch with reality. He can't just start to be better. He can go up and down in his symtoms, but he is still delusional with voices that tear him down. His paranoia and voices will probably keep him from getting help...He does not think he is ill. I do not think that he will ever call me. The last time, 9 years ago, he stayed away in a different state living in his for a year without calling because I had gone into his room. Now...I have a restraining order for 5 years. The judges decides. He will not call because of the restraining order and he is afraid of others tapping the line or spying on him. I know that I did the only thing that I could do, but it is so very difficult to be hopeful. Schizophrenia is in a whole different class. He thinks that others are out to get him. The police pulling him out of his room probably made his delusions worse. He knows that I was in on it... Yes, I hope that his delusions and voices that plaque him are lessened. ..but will I ever see my son again? I feel guilty if I have a somewhat good time, which is very rare these days, and the nights are unbearable. I am trying to think good thoughts, but my heart is breaking. It is not his fault that he has schizophrenia. When I think of him before the illness took over...I just cry. He was always so kind, funny, handsome, an excellent student, and always protected me...now I am afraid of him because of his delusions and command hallucinations. It isn't fair that he has this disease. Each day he is tortured by his thoughts and fears. The unknown is killing me. He is all alone out there. He does not trust people. He is probably scared. I cannot help him. There is no way that I can help him. The mental health system is horrible. I miss him so much. I am sorry that I am complaining so much. It is hard to have hope. I do not want him to get hurt or hurt himself because his voices tell him to. A therapist told me the day after it happened that I was right...he IS like a child out there. I feel like the worst mom in the world. I know that I am not, but I feel that way...and it is my DNA. I know that is not my fault either, but ...just the same. What a horrible'gift' to give my son. Will I ever see him again? How am I going to carry on? A mother is supposed to protect their child? Yes, I had a true Sophie's choice. I chose to protect my youngest son. I was right in doing that. Yes, I protected my ill son from his possible actions. That was also the correct thing to do. But, he cannot help being ill. He did not deserve this life sentence. He does not deserve to be without his family out on the streets, probably living in fear. He is not probably going to seek treatment because, in his mind, he is sane and everyone is out to get him. He told me once that if I knew the 'truth' that I would be sad. His delusions and voIces are real to him. He will not contact me because now he believes that the police are 'out to get him' and all of the neighbors that he thought were watching him saw him escorted out of the tract by the police. I am sorry. I am just in a very bad place right now. [/QUOTE]
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