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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 668302" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>Thank you. I have gone years without crying. In fact, for several years after divorcing my first husband, I could not cry. Ever Period. He would become more violent if I cried. I also did not want to give him the pleasure of making me cry. I just turned off my waterworks. It took me years to be able to cry, and then, very, very rarely. Out of body type experiences...</p><p></p><p>I always tear up when I read what you write. That is a compliment. It is probably, because you have or are going through the same issues, you know how to go directly to the essence at hand...no filler, just pure loving help. This site is better than therapy. You feel my pain. Who better to help guide me down this shared difficult road we are on?</p><p></p><p>I think that I am verbalizing these facts because they are now just starting to 'bubble up'. I have very effectively blocked them from my consciousness. I have not actually thought about these things. It feels as if I am talking about someone else. I am forcing myself to face that it really happened! It might sound really strange. My mind forces things down so very deep. I negate and trivialize any violence. Did it really happen?...I ask myself. I used to force myself to watch every domestic violence movie and sure enough...things came up out of my consciousness. How I slept in a closest all night. How I slept in the doorway of my sons' room when I was pregnant. A psychiatrist told me that I tolerated my first ex and my son for so long because I felt helpless, like when I was 11. My parents taught me how to be a victim. No more. That is why I am writing things down. To make them known and permanent in print.</p><p></p><p>I do not want my son's to be like me. I do not want them to be afraid anymore. I want them to know that their mom is not only safe, but healthy.</p><p></p><p>I have to realize, over time, that I was in danger before I can start to heal. My whole life...I moved on. That second, that moment, that day. I just moved on as if nothing happened. I numbed out. To me, it never happened. I can't anymore. It is not healthy. It is painful to let it to the surface, but I have to.</p><p></p><p>I do not think that I could actually spray my son with mace. I guess it would depend if he had a weapon or rushed up on me. He always stood very still in the shadows. Not to make ME fearful... but, rather, HE was fearful...even of me in our house. But, again, what were his voices telling him to do?</p><p></p><p>Thank you for being there for me. My youngest son is leaving for a week...flying up North. I will be alone. I am scared already. I was watching some ghost show last night and stopped. Not a great idea...</p><p></p><p>My youngest earned all 3 Cisco certificates at age 20. He was the youngest. Only 2 of 12 did.. All much older and worked for the government and military. 10 students were chosen across the Us to fly to Silicone Valley and critique programs in front of Google, Intel, and Cisco to the actual people who developed them. He said, "Mom, I've got this"!</p><p></p><p>That is my positive experience in my life! My other son is going to college to be a biologist and takes mentally challenged adults and school children on tour on the dunes where he plants indigenous plants and helps clean lakes and rivers. They both keep me going. I need to heal so that they can heal.</p><p></p><p>I will hang in there...like we are all. One day at a time. God's peace.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 668302, member: 19245"] Thank you. I have gone years without crying. In fact, for several years after divorcing my first husband, I could not cry. Ever Period. He would become more violent if I cried. I also did not want to give him the pleasure of making me cry. I just turned off my waterworks. It took me years to be able to cry, and then, very, very rarely. Out of body type experiences... I always tear up when I read what you write. That is a compliment. It is probably, because you have or are going through the same issues, you know how to go directly to the essence at hand...no filler, just pure loving help. This site is better than therapy. You feel my pain. Who better to help guide me down this shared difficult road we are on? I think that I am verbalizing these facts because they are now just starting to 'bubble up'. I have very effectively blocked them from my consciousness. I have not actually thought about these things. It feels as if I am talking about someone else. I am forcing myself to face that it really happened! It might sound really strange. My mind forces things down so very deep. I negate and trivialize any violence. Did it really happen?...I ask myself. I used to force myself to watch every domestic violence movie and sure enough...things came up out of my consciousness. How I slept in a closest all night. How I slept in the doorway of my sons' room when I was pregnant. A psychiatrist told me that I tolerated my first ex and my son for so long because I felt helpless, like when I was 11. My parents taught me how to be a victim. No more. That is why I am writing things down. To make them known and permanent in print. I do not want my son's to be like me. I do not want them to be afraid anymore. I want them to know that their mom is not only safe, but healthy. I have to realize, over time, that I was in danger before I can start to heal. My whole life...I moved on. That second, that moment, that day. I just moved on as if nothing happened. I numbed out. To me, it never happened. I can't anymore. It is not healthy. It is painful to let it to the surface, but I have to. I do not think that I could actually spray my son with mace. I guess it would depend if he had a weapon or rushed up on me. He always stood very still in the shadows. Not to make ME fearful... but, rather, HE was fearful...even of me in our house. But, again, what were his voices telling him to do? Thank you for being there for me. My youngest son is leaving for a week...flying up North. I will be alone. I am scared already. I was watching some ghost show last night and stopped. Not a great idea... My youngest earned all 3 Cisco certificates at age 20. He was the youngest. Only 2 of 12 did.. All much older and worked for the government and military. 10 students were chosen across the Us to fly to Silicone Valley and critique programs in front of Google, Intel, and Cisco to the actual people who developed them. He said, "Mom, I've got this"! That is my positive experience in my life! My other son is going to college to be a biologist and takes mentally challenged adults and school children on tour on the dunes where he plants indigenous plants and helps clean lakes and rivers. They both keep me going. I need to heal so that they can heal. I will hang in there...like we are all. One day at a time. God's peace. [/QUOTE]
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