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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 668344" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Feeling Sad, are you familiar with Robin McGraws Aspire app for victims of domestic violence?</p><p></p><p><a href="https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/aspire-news/id733163167?mt=8" target="_blank">https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/aspire-news/id733163167?mt=8</a></p><p></p><p><a href="http://m.snopes.com/2015/06/29/aspire-news-app/" target="_blank">http://m.snopes.com/2015/06/29/aspire-news-app/</a></p><p></p><p>I am thinking you are aware of N A M I (National Alliance for Mental Illness).</p><p>Here is information about this free, nation wide alliance.</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.namiyolo.org/tipsforfamilies.html" target="_blank">http://www.namiyolo.org/tipsforfamilies.html</a></p><p></p><p><a href="http://blog.nami.org/2012/04/it-is-what-it-is.html" target="_blank">http://blog.nami.org/2012/04/it-is-what-it-is.html</a></p><p></p><p>I am so glad you found us.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am so sorry.</p><p></p><p>Our daughter is 41. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am reading your thread from the beginning, FS.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>The stricter therapist is not the therapist for you. You need an ally, not a dictator or tyrant. </p><p></p><p>If the therapist cannot understand that your child will always be your son, the therapist is counseling you from a place he or she has never been. This means this therapist cannot help you understand where you are. I will never stop believing in my child. I will never stop loving my child. What I need to do, for both myself and my child, is learn how to interact with her in the way most helpful <em>to her.</em> Once I can know how to respond, then I am strong. I can face what is happening. I can stop believing everything is going to be fine, and I can be okay with knowing that our situations ~ my child's situation, my situation, the stress my child's illness places on all of us ~ I can face what comes next without falling apart, if I know the right way to be strong <em>for her.</em></p><p></p><p>We are very strong. We love deeply and without reservation. As you have done, we come to that place where, in order to help the kids, we need to change how we respond to the kids. This is horrifyingly scary. We get it that the kids are not capable of making rational choices, and we feel we are gambling with our children's lives.</p><p></p><p>Or, with our own lives, for our children's sakes.</p><p></p><p>When our daughter was homeless, this is what I learned:</p><p></p><p>There are others in our kids' situations on the streets, too. There is comfort and relief for them in understanding that, though they may not be thinking right, there are others ~ living, breathing, decent people ~ not thinking right either. Learning that is a priceless first step to self acceptance and healing, for them. Our troubled kids are so alone; so alone with their strangenesses, FS. On the streets, there is support. They don't have to feel shamed by their differences in the same way, because everyone they come to know when they are homeless is different, too. </p><p></p><p>They watch out for one another.</p><p></p><p>They know who belongs, and who does not; who is dangerous, and who is safe.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I agree that maintaining a joint account with your child is the right thing to do.</p><p></p><p>There were times when the withdrawal of that money we put into an account for our child were the only way we knew she still lived. We were told too that we should not enable. D H could not meet his own eyes in the mirror knowing his daughter was penniless on the streets. At that time, we were still denying the truth of her diagnosis. We put that money into her account for our own peace of mind.</p><p></p><p>It was the right thing to do.</p><p></p><p>When our daughter did come home, she went back and forth; to the streets and back home. She needed to do that, not to feel crazy. Not to feel shamed. She needed to do that to see herself reflected in the eyes of those who were like her, so she could know she was okay as she was, as she is.</p><p></p><p>I read somewhere that some of us have no idea how hard others of us struggle just to be normal.</p><p></p><p>That is how I see our daughter. </p><p></p><p>She is so beautifully human.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Until we are safe, we cannot learn how to help, which involves seeing what is for what it is. I try to hold an image of steady affection. When I listen to my child, I say that Anne Lamott prayer: "Help!" The other two words to this wonderfully helpful prayer are: "Thanks!" and "Wow!"</p><p></p><p>Those three prayers cover pretty much every situation. We don't have to think what to pray for, because those one word prayers can be prayed whatever else is going on. However helpless we feel, in the face of what is.</p><p></p><p>Believing we (me, my child, our family) are meant to come through this bravely and beautifully helps me so much. Bravely would be when we don't know what to do, but take the best actions or say the best words, that we know. Beautifully would mean love; would mean lovingly, and without shame.</p><p></p><p>This is getting to be a too long response. I will finish, and continue reading. This helped me. It is quoted from the Kennedy Special Olympics founder:</p><p></p><p><em>"Let me win. If I cannot win, let me be brave."</em></p><p></p><p>I hope it can help you feel stronger too, Feeling Sad.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Shame and guilt have not been helpful, for me. I want to respond to my child from my Mother heart, not from my scared inner child heart. For that purpose of clearing shame based responses to our children, we created Family of Origin thread here on this site. Clearing those shame based ways of thinking has changed everything about how we are able to see our children and ourselves.</p><p> </p><p>Please know you are welcome, there.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 668344, member: 17461"] Feeling Sad, are you familiar with Robin McGraws Aspire app for victims of domestic violence? [URL]https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/aspire-news/id733163167?mt=8[/URL] [URL]http://m.snopes.com/2015/06/29/aspire-news-app/[/URL] I am thinking you are aware of N A M I (National Alliance for Mental Illness). Here is information about this free, nation wide alliance. [URL]http://www.namiyolo.org/tipsforfamilies.html[/URL] [URL]http://blog.nami.org/2012/04/it-is-what-it-is.html[/URL] I am so glad you found us. Cedar I am so sorry. Our daughter is 41. I am reading your thread from the beginning, FS. The stricter therapist is not the therapist for you. You need an ally, not a dictator or tyrant. If the therapist cannot understand that your child will always be your son, the therapist is counseling you from a place he or she has never been. This means this therapist cannot help you understand where you are. I will never stop believing in my child. I will never stop loving my child. What I need to do, for both myself and my child, is learn how to interact with her in the way most helpful [I]to her.[/I] Once I can know how to respond, then I am strong. I can face what is happening. I can stop believing everything is going to be fine, and I can be okay with knowing that our situations ~ my child's situation, my situation, the stress my child's illness places on all of us ~ I can face what comes next without falling apart, if I know the right way to be strong [I]for her.[/I] We are very strong. We love deeply and without reservation. As you have done, we come to that place where, in order to help the kids, we need to change how we respond to the kids. This is horrifyingly scary. We get it that the kids are not capable of making rational choices, and we feel we are gambling with our children's lives. Or, with our own lives, for our children's sakes. When our daughter was homeless, this is what I learned: There are others in our kids' situations on the streets, too. There is comfort and relief for them in understanding that, though they may not be thinking right, there are others ~ living, breathing, decent people ~ not thinking right either. Learning that is a priceless first step to self acceptance and healing, for them. Our troubled kids are so alone; so alone with their strangenesses, FS. On the streets, there is support. They don't have to feel shamed by their differences in the same way, because everyone they come to know when they are homeless is different, too. They watch out for one another. They know who belongs, and who does not; who is dangerous, and who is safe. *** I agree that maintaining a joint account with your child is the right thing to do. There were times when the withdrawal of that money we put into an account for our child were the only way we knew she still lived. We were told too that we should not enable. D H could not meet his own eyes in the mirror knowing his daughter was penniless on the streets. At that time, we were still denying the truth of her diagnosis. We put that money into her account for our own peace of mind. It was the right thing to do. When our daughter did come home, she went back and forth; to the streets and back home. She needed to do that, not to feel crazy. Not to feel shamed. She needed to do that to see herself reflected in the eyes of those who were like her, so she could know she was okay as she was, as she is. I read somewhere that some of us have no idea how hard others of us struggle just to be normal. That is how I see our daughter. She is so beautifully human. Until we are safe, we cannot learn how to help, which involves seeing what is for what it is. I try to hold an image of steady affection. When I listen to my child, I say that Anne Lamott prayer: "Help!" The other two words to this wonderfully helpful prayer are: "Thanks!" and "Wow!" Those three prayers cover pretty much every situation. We don't have to think what to pray for, because those one word prayers can be prayed whatever else is going on. However helpless we feel, in the face of what is. Believing we (me, my child, our family) are meant to come through this bravely and beautifully helps me so much. Bravely would be when we don't know what to do, but take the best actions or say the best words, that we know. Beautifully would mean love; would mean lovingly, and without shame. This is getting to be a too long response. I will finish, and continue reading. This helped me. It is quoted from the Kennedy Special Olympics founder: [I]"Let me win. If I cannot win, let me be brave."[/I] I hope it can help you feel stronger too, Feeling Sad. *** Shame and guilt have not been helpful, for me. I want to respond to my child from my Mother heart, not from my scared inner child heart. For that purpose of clearing shame based responses to our children, we created Family of Origin thread here on this site. Clearing those shame based ways of thinking has changed everything about how we are able to see our children and ourselves. Please know you are welcome, there. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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