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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 668393" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>Copa, you sound like you perceive yourself as weak. You are the strongest woman I have ever met! I wish that I had a fraction of your strength. Yes, I understand what you are talking about, that fragile part just below the surface. Mine is scratched everyday. Either, my outside strength is a thicker layer than I perceived...or my outer layer is becoming stronger. I think, "Don't others see?" But, they don't.</p><p></p><p>I have two things to say. First off, you have mentioned to me that I receive strength from my work. You even perceived me as eager to return. The first is true...The latter is not. I would have probably never returned had I been given the option to wait until I felt well enough. I am a basket case! I did not marry or divorce well. I need to support myself. My brother spent all of my inheritance.</p><p></p><p>That being said, it has been very good for me to work! Yes, good! I am forced to drag myself out of bed...shower...look and act 'normal'...and best if all...use my mind. Yes, my perseverating, guilt-infested, negative internal dialoque...mind. I have to appear and be smart. I am forced, yes forced, to think of something other than my son and how it is all my fault! My confidence is slowly coming back. I am helping others...A lot! I actually find myself laughing, literally laughing.</p><p></p><p>Best of all, my trip from my self-imposed Hell gets longer and better each day. I am not all bad. I am not a total failure. I can actually help others. I am sleeping better because I am truly tired.</p><p></p><p>This brings me to you...my dear friend. The one who told me that, even depressed, I should try to find a male companion. This is the one, who said, "Two can play at this". Well, you, my friend, have a great gift. You are able to always, on all of the threads, find words to heal and help others. Take your grief and sadness of the unknown and dive into a new job. You would be a great boon to any type of helping field! Create a job for yourself. Start off volunteering. But, get out there.</p><p></p><p>My next point is this. Mind you, this is coming from a parent that failed at this technique. My son is much, much further from reality and was not a talker. I have read that to argue falsehoods is useless. If your son feels that there is going to be an earthquake, do not argue. Yes, you could calmly state that you see it differently, but give him the right to believe it. Now, this part is crucial. Empathize with him. Do not patronize, but empathize about how stressed he must feel. Or, how important it is to keep up his health and strength to be always prepared for a disaster. If he was ill, could he flee or be strong enough to survive? Talk about stamina or how long hospitals or stores would be closed due to destruction or running out of supplies. I have found, a soft sell is always the best. Yes, inside you will be screaming, but outside stay calm. Talk about what you are doing to stay strong physically.</p><p></p><p>Young men do not feel that they will die anytime soon. Most adults start to face it in their 50's or when their health goes south.</p><p></p><p>A strong, healthy mom is a gift to give your son. He will feel less pressured when he sees that you are active and doing things...not just worrying about him. My sons, especially my ill one, do not see how their bad choices stress me out or cause sickly worry. Yes, it would be great if they did realize this fact and stopped to save us pain. This site would not need to exist... We cannot hold our breath. </p><p></p><p>I tried a reward system with my ill son. See a doctor for medications and you get a new computer screen. Yes...you got it right. He went alone, per his rules, received a prescription, filled it, and I bought him a new large screen. He told the doctor that he was only depressed, just got antidepressants, received said new screen, lied about taking them, and then stopped. He now had a new screen. Magic!!!</p><p></p><p>My last point is this... Yes, I said 2...now it is my third. I remember someone telling me that we do not know the future. Hmmm... who was that? That we cannot predict what actions will be taken or thoughts will be experienced by our children. We do not know what the future holds. Do not go down that road. None of us know what the future may bring. We cannot always think that B follows A. In life, it might be A, then F, then C, etc. Do not grieve your son. He might start going. You do not know. You are like me...Twenty steps ahead down the road.</p><p></p><p>You spoke of a program or study he was in. Does he earn a stipend? That would be a reward from them. Does the hospital have a support group? Even mentally stable young adults, especially males, to not like to face a serious illness. A group might have ideas. </p><p></p><p>Or maybe, a small monetary reward from you if he takes "his time out of his busy day" to take part in the study. They would be able to tell you if he is current and on their medications. Not for going, but rather, volunteering his time to help others...to find a cure for others, etc. </p><p></p><p>It is like my paying the toll booth to keep the car, i.e. me going by keeping money in my son's account. Remember that clever analogy? Yes, intrinsic rewards are better than extrinsic rewards, but use whatever will work at this point.</p><p></p><p>Does he worry about your lungs? Discuss with him how you treat it so that he will not have to worry about you. Or, if you worried less, your over health would improve... </p><p></p><p>What is good for the goose, is good for the....goosling! Did you see what I did there....?</p><p></p><p>Truly warm hugs (still no air in my classroom for 6 weeks).</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 668393, member: 19245"] Copa, you sound like you perceive yourself as weak. You are the strongest woman I have ever met! I wish that I had a fraction of your strength. Yes, I understand what you are talking about, that fragile part just below the surface. Mine is scratched everyday. Either, my outside strength is a thicker layer than I perceived...or my outer layer is becoming stronger. I think, "Don't others see?" But, they don't. I have two things to say. First off, you have mentioned to me that I receive strength from my work. You even perceived me as eager to return. The first is true...The latter is not. I would have probably never returned had I been given the option to wait until I felt well enough. I am a basket case! I did not marry or divorce well. I need to support myself. My brother spent all of my inheritance. That being said, it has been very good for me to work! Yes, good! I am forced to drag myself out of bed...shower...look and act 'normal'...and best if all...use my mind. Yes, my perseverating, guilt-infested, negative internal dialoque...mind. I have to appear and be smart. I am forced, yes forced, to think of something other than my son and how it is all my fault! My confidence is slowly coming back. I am helping others...A lot! I actually find myself laughing, literally laughing. Best of all, my trip from my self-imposed Hell gets longer and better each day. I am not all bad. I am not a total failure. I can actually help others. I am sleeping better because I am truly tired. This brings me to you...my dear friend. The one who told me that, even depressed, I should try to find a male companion. This is the one, who said, "Two can play at this". Well, you, my friend, have a great gift. You are able to always, on all of the threads, find words to heal and help others. Take your grief and sadness of the unknown and dive into a new job. You would be a great boon to any type of helping field! Create a job for yourself. Start off volunteering. But, get out there. My next point is this. Mind you, this is coming from a parent that failed at this technique. My son is much, much further from reality and was not a talker. I have read that to argue falsehoods is useless. If your son feels that there is going to be an earthquake, do not argue. Yes, you could calmly state that you see it differently, but give him the right to believe it. Now, this part is crucial. Empathize with him. Do not patronize, but empathize about how stressed he must feel. Or, how important it is to keep up his health and strength to be always prepared for a disaster. If he was ill, could he flee or be strong enough to survive? Talk about stamina or how long hospitals or stores would be closed due to destruction or running out of supplies. I have found, a soft sell is always the best. Yes, inside you will be screaming, but outside stay calm. Talk about what you are doing to stay strong physically. Young men do not feel that they will die anytime soon. Most adults start to face it in their 50's or when their health goes south. A strong, healthy mom is a gift to give your son. He will feel less pressured when he sees that you are active and doing things...not just worrying about him. My sons, especially my ill one, do not see how their bad choices stress me out or cause sickly worry. Yes, it would be great if they did realize this fact and stopped to save us pain. This site would not need to exist... We cannot hold our breath. I tried a reward system with my ill son. See a doctor for medications and you get a new computer screen. Yes...you got it right. He went alone, per his rules, received a prescription, filled it, and I bought him a new large screen. He told the doctor that he was only depressed, just got antidepressants, received said new screen, lied about taking them, and then stopped. He now had a new screen. Magic!!! My last point is this... Yes, I said 2...now it is my third. I remember someone telling me that we do not know the future. Hmmm... who was that? That we cannot predict what actions will be taken or thoughts will be experienced by our children. We do not know what the future holds. Do not go down that road. None of us know what the future may bring. We cannot always think that B follows A. In life, it might be A, then F, then C, etc. Do not grieve your son. He might start going. You do not know. You are like me...Twenty steps ahead down the road. You spoke of a program or study he was in. Does he earn a stipend? That would be a reward from them. Does the hospital have a support group? Even mentally stable young adults, especially males, to not like to face a serious illness. A group might have ideas. Or maybe, a small monetary reward from you if he takes "his time out of his busy day" to take part in the study. They would be able to tell you if he is current and on their medications. Not for going, but rather, volunteering his time to help others...to find a cure for others, etc. It is like my paying the toll booth to keep the car, i.e. me going by keeping money in my son's account. Remember that clever analogy? Yes, intrinsic rewards are better than extrinsic rewards, but use whatever will work at this point. Does he worry about your lungs? Discuss with him how you treat it so that he will not have to worry about you. Or, if you worried less, your over health would improve... What is good for the goose, is good for the....goosling! Did you see what I did there....? Truly warm hugs (still no air in my classroom for 6 weeks). [/QUOTE]
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