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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 671478" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Loss is so difficult . The pain of it is intense. I think the loss must have been particularly intensified for you Copa, because of your experience with your mom, a loss for what could have been, as well?</p><p>Our parents passing is inevitable, I do not know if one can completely prepare oneself for the occurrence of it.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p> I asked the question once-do we marry our fathers? I remember reading something of the sort, that daughters marry versions of their fathers to "fix" what was broken. I suppose we are drawn to what is familiar, the pattern continues until we recognize it.</p><p></p><p> It is complicated, and yet, simple at the same time. We need to develop a kindness towards ourselves. How often do we do something clumsy, or silly and revert to demeaning self-talk. "How clumsy of me", or "What a stupid thing I have done."</p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px">Maya Angelou wrote </span></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 12px">“I don't trust people who don't love themselves and tell me, 'I love you.' ... There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.”</span></strong></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>So funny, my hubs favorite saying is "Talk is cheap." There is a logic to that. "Let your actions speak louder than your words."</p><p>Yes,so true.</p><p> Thank you, Copa, for reminding me of this. Sometimes I forget, and long for more. I tire of "filling in the blanks" if you will.</p><p> Yes, the loving is in us. There is much to be said in the smallest of acts, and the largest.</p><p> My profound loneliness is not ever-present. It strikes me at times when the hubs has been moody for days at a time, sullen, angry. He can be very critical, of all I do. I try to keep my chin up, but the energy to deflect is at times, exhausting. So, is this loneliness, or despair?</p><p>I have those whom I can speak with. Faith. Hobbies. Sports. Community service, work.</p><p>The paradox is, I am surrounded by people every day, and have meaningful rapport. With the hubs, this is lacking. Yet there he is, a working man. Solid in his commitments. So yes, in between my absorbing the love from this, I do long for the ability to have a feeling of..... friendship? There is a sense of loneliness with his need for a physical relationship, but his not seeing the need to have an emotional one? </p><p>Ok, that is really personal. But there it is.</p><p> It is my lot, not necessarily my choice. Through the years, the hubs has become more and more removed, much like my father. And there that is.</p><p> Yes Copa, he was. I think this is true for the hubs, because of his background.</p><p> I have often thought of this. It is a working out of things, especially being with this man for so long.</p><p>I do not think it is an accident. I believe there is a purpose to everything.</p><p></p><p>Hubs is able to show a friendly, soft voiced side of himself to others. For instance, when he calls at work, my office mates tease me and say "He sounds so nice on the phone." I see this "niceness" in how he addresses strangers. So, he is able to behave in such a way to others, yet is the extreme Chinese Waitress with his family. Being spoken to, in such a way constantly, is wearing. I ask him, "Why are you so angry?" "I --am -not angry,-- this is how I talk." </p><p>Huh. </p><p>Then- </p><p>"If --you don't--like--it, I --just --wont--- talk. </p><p></p><p>ACCCK big old</p><p> <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/people_crybaby.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":people_crybaby:" title="people_crybaby :people_crybaby:" data-shortname=":people_crybaby:" /> .......... yup, now thats a mature answer.</p><p></p><p>If I answer him the same way,and tone, he gives me a shocked look, and asks what is <em>wrong </em>with me. I wonder sometimes if he realizes the way he comes off in his delivery. Maybe I should secretly film him? Would he be shocked at the way he sounds? Is this gaslighting? I am not sure Copa.</p><p></p><p>When he has to do something, it is a frenzy. If my son is helping, he literally has to jump to commands. The hubs becomes a short tempered, snap the fingers, do it fast, do it right, if not the temper comes to a boil. One can feel the angst coming through his pores. Sergeant mode.</p><p></p><p> For sure my hubs is an anthropological study, from another world. I think he is trying to study my needs, sometimes I walk in the room and he is watching the strangest tv shows, even "chick flicks". I wonder if he is trying to figure out what it is I want. He didn't learn tenderness through his parents crazy marriage. Yet, he has moments of sweetness, cuddling with our dogs, petting the cats.</p><p> "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" I shall keep doing the same with hubs. This studying.</p><p></p><p>Thank you Copa.</p><p></p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 671478, member: 19522"] Loss is so difficult . The pain of it is intense. I think the loss must have been particularly intensified for you Copa, because of your experience with your mom, a loss for what could have been, as well? Our parents passing is inevitable, I do not know if one can completely prepare oneself for the occurrence of it. I asked the question once-do we marry our fathers? I remember reading something of the sort, that daughters marry versions of their fathers to "fix" what was broken. I suppose we are drawn to what is familiar, the pattern continues until we recognize it. It is complicated, and yet, simple at the same time. We need to develop a kindness towards ourselves. How often do we do something clumsy, or silly and revert to demeaning self-talk. "How clumsy of me", or "What a stupid thing I have done." [SIZE=3]Maya Angelou wrote [/SIZE] [B][SIZE=3]“I don't trust people who don't love themselves and tell me, 'I love you.' ... There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.”[/SIZE][/B] So funny, my hubs favorite saying is "Talk is cheap." There is a logic to that. "Let your actions speak louder than your words." Yes,so true. Thank you, Copa, for reminding me of this. Sometimes I forget, and long for more. I tire of "filling in the blanks" if you will. Yes, the loving is in us. There is much to be said in the smallest of acts, and the largest. My profound loneliness is not ever-present. It strikes me at times when the hubs has been moody for days at a time, sullen, angry. He can be very critical, of all I do. I try to keep my chin up, but the energy to deflect is at times, exhausting. So, is this loneliness, or despair? I have those whom I can speak with. Faith. Hobbies. Sports. Community service, work. The paradox is, I am surrounded by people every day, and have meaningful rapport. With the hubs, this is lacking. Yet there he is, a working man. Solid in his commitments. So yes, in between my absorbing the love from this, I do long for the ability to have a feeling of..... friendship? There is a sense of loneliness with his need for a physical relationship, but his not seeing the need to have an emotional one? Ok, that is really personal. But there it is. It is my lot, not necessarily my choice. Through the years, the hubs has become more and more removed, much like my father. And there that is. Yes Copa, he was. I think this is true for the hubs, because of his background. I have often thought of this. It is a working out of things, especially being with this man for so long. I do not think it is an accident. I believe there is a purpose to everything. Hubs is able to show a friendly, soft voiced side of himself to others. For instance, when he calls at work, my office mates tease me and say "He sounds so nice on the phone." I see this "niceness" in how he addresses strangers. So, he is able to behave in such a way to others, yet is the extreme Chinese Waitress with his family. Being spoken to, in such a way constantly, is wearing. I ask him, "Why are you so angry?" "I --am -not angry,-- this is how I talk." Huh. Then- "If --you don't--like--it, I --just --wont--- talk. ACCCK big old :people_crybaby: .......... yup, now thats a mature answer. If I answer him the same way,and tone, he gives me a shocked look, and asks what is [I]wrong [/I]with me. I wonder sometimes if he realizes the way he comes off in his delivery. Maybe I should secretly film him? Would he be shocked at the way he sounds? Is this gaslighting? I am not sure Copa. When he has to do something, it is a frenzy. If my son is helping, he literally has to jump to commands. The hubs becomes a short tempered, snap the fingers, do it fast, do it right, if not the temper comes to a boil. One can feel the angst coming through his pores. Sergeant mode. For sure my hubs is an anthropological study, from another world. I think he is trying to study my needs, sometimes I walk in the room and he is watching the strangest tv shows, even "chick flicks". I wonder if he is trying to figure out what it is I want. He didn't learn tenderness through his parents crazy marriage. Yet, he has moments of sweetness, cuddling with our dogs, petting the cats. "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" I shall keep doing the same with hubs. This studying. Thank you Copa. Leafy [/QUOTE]
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