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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 671527" data-attributes="member: 17461">Very nice.  Thank you, Leafy.Is it a question of vulnerability on his part do you think, Feeling?  I have seen similar things in my D H over the years.  Not now, so much.  But times when he would imply....  Okay, so say I had decided I was done and was leaving.  And he would say something about coming around to where I was to have sex after I left him.  Like that was all that mattered.  And in saying that, he was somehow pulling himself together as a man who was not vulnerable.  Into someone who had done nothing wrong because the primary value was as he defined it to be, and if the woman left, she would, of course, still want him as a man.  Because he was a man; a real man.  All man.  Protecting himself from hurt that way, in that way of thinking.  I think it has to do with having an Italian mother.  I swear, in his heart, D H is certain, absolutely certain, he is enough.I think I see that in your D H.Some shadow of that.There was a period of years when the kids were so troubled and blah, blah, blah, that D H and I were so separate from one another other than in our roles as parent or whatever role it was.  At some point during all of that, I told my D H what I needed to hear.  Told him the very words I needed to hear.  Things like, "I'm sorry this happened to you."  Or, "I am so sorry you are hurt by what is happening to your children." I told those same kinds of things to my D H.  There was no way to breach the divide but to breach it.So I did.My D H got tears in his eyes.He was so lonely, but was unable to name it or come out of it or do anything but be a man in regards to it.That was actually the beginning of the intimacy, and of the trust, that would see us through the next twenty years.I think what I am saying is that our men are men, but...I'm not sure what I mean, here.  It has to do with compassion, and with trusting the decency in them, and with understanding their dreams were broken, too.Once, in family therapy for daughter, D H told the therapist the worst thing about what was happening to all of us is that he could not protect.Our men think differently than we do, but they are the men we chose.  Believe you chose well.  Expect the living, vulnerable being beneath the role of "Man" to be a warm and ethical and compassionate being and there, just like magic, that is what will appear.You chose your man well, or I would not hear the affection for him that I do hear, in your posts.We are good women, good men, making good choices, in horrifically challenging circumstances.That is how I feel today, anyway.D H hasn't done anything to bug me lately.<img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile    :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />Oh, I am so sorry this happens.  My D H has done that to me, too.  I could feel so terrible and energy-less and incapable.  Have you read Patricia Evans?Huh.Well of course I could not find the quote I was looking for.  But I did find this, written inside the cover of Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out , instead:Heartsick and mad, Pitt shouted at the open sky.  Cold, self possessed inner resolve took hold as it had so many times in the past.  The old, diehard Pitt came back on balance.  His mind felt clear and sharp as a needle.Clive Cussler***With a commitment bred of desperation, he reached up and pulled himself out of the water.Clive Cussler***...insight is not necessary for me to modify my behavior if I decide truly that my attitude toward authority is unworthy, self limiting, and productive of guilt feelings.  I can decide not to act on emotions which are a variance with how I feel I should behave and which tend to reduce self respect.Why I had those emotions in the first place is both specualtive and irrelevant.  SmedesShame and Grace***Cherish, honor, protect, and promote.The BenedictinesThose were much better quotes than that one I was looking for.  These are the quotes written onto the flyleaf of my copy.:O)***I am now caught up with this thread.Copa, your use of words and concepts in the quotes Leafy included in her response were powerful, and beautifully expressed.Cedar</blockquote>

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