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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 671569" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Good morning my friends, rain patters on the leaves as I write this, the air has begun to cool a bit.</p><p>Winter paddling season has started for the kids. I am a bit busier, as sons team needs help, and I have been sucked into the coaching vortex. I took time off of winter coaching these years past, due to moms illness and the need to shed commitments. I will help, but must remember to put a limit to it.</p><p>My life will become busier with this, and I must find balance.</p><p>If my postings are fewer, it is the busy-ness.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is definitely vulnerability Cedar. Especially given hubs history, and his personality, and being a man. They are such very different creatures.</p><p></p><p>Thank you for sharing this Cedar. I think after years and years of trying, I got tired.</p><p>I invented and reinvented myself.</p><p>All along, I was patterning. The patterning was the feeling of not being enough, that if I did this, if I did that, it would be different. The reality of it all, is in Maya Angelou's quote about loving yourself. For both of us. If I am projecting that I am not enough within myself, how could I be that for him? If he has never learned to love himself, how could he see and know what it is I am asking for? If he was never shown as a child this language of love, how could he speak it?</p><p></p><p>I think what I am seeing is his struggle with his inner child. Beneath all of that is the vulnerability. The stuffing. Coupled with the pressures to be a mans man, a manly man, to handle whatever comes at one with..... bravado.</p><p>It must be overwhelming for him.</p><p>He has been fighting health issues for years now, I think he is very, very scared. But he wont show it. So it comes out in fits and angry outbursts.</p><p>My response to this has been a withdrawing, to protect myself.The more I withdraw, the worse he gets.</p><p>I will be examining this, and make changes to my response. Little changes. The first big change I <em>am </em>doing, and that is to realize that I AM and always have been ...enough.</p><p>That his actions have nothing to do with me and my own self worth.That he is trying to process all that has happened to his health, his children, as a man does.</p><p>So, instead of wanting him to change, I will, again.</p><p>That is the stuff of long term relationships, is it not?</p><p>As our circumstances, bodies, minds, change and grow, to make sure we cherish our relationship and take it to the next level with us.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am glad for you Cedar, that you have this with your husband. I will work on this with the hubs. I will be his Anne Sullivan. He is Helen Keller, locked in his mans world of coping, by not expressing, or being able to see or hear or communicate. He has shut all of this out, but it is inside of him, boiling.</p><p>I shall take him into the cabin in the woods and work with him. Gently, yet firmly. He needs to know that he has done the best job he could do for his children, that their addiction is not his failure, it is their choice. He needs to know that he is<em> enough. </em></p><p></p><p>Yes, Cedar, you have hit the nail on the head. It is the language that is so different, with men and women. We get to go all mushy and gushy, to turn ourselves inside out with expressing sorrow and grief, while they have been taught to be pillars.</p><p> Yes, I do believe my husband grieves over this. He suffered a horrendous childhood. Seeing the grands suffer so has caused him immense pain. Then there is the terrible feeling that there is nothing we can do to fix it. I think it brings him back to the horrors of his childhood. Much as M told Copa about the screaming. I wonder if it affects him so because he went through the same thing as the hubs.</p><p> Imagine being a son, and not being able to protect your mother. </p><p></p><p> Thank you Cedar. It is true. Despite all of our difficulties, it has been what I stayed for, what you write of here. Looking beneath the roughness, and seeing this, <em>knowing </em>this.</p><p></p><p> No, I have not. I have not really read in a very long time. We have only been out of this drama go round for three months now. So, in writing this, I am seeing the hurt is so fresh for all of us. I am processing here, but the hubs is not. The lights are on, but nobody is home.</p><p>During all of the craziness, hubs had major health issues. He went further inside of himself to protect himself. It is hard for all of us, this aging thing. Especially for men, losing strength and vitality. Add the complexities of adult children with problems, what a brew.</p><p></p><p>Esther Williams- you are sweet Copa-yes I am Esther and what a beautiful name.</p><p>[MEDIA=youtube]xYW64moSLKg[/MEDIA]</p><p>I shall be his Esther and he will be my Duke Kahanamoku.</p><p></p><p>[MEDIA=youtube]cPnM4ymNj3o[/MEDIA]</p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes Copa, this is true.</p><p></p><p>How blessed I am to have you, sisters, to have you help me to see all of this.</p><p></p><p>Thank you!</p><p></p><p>I am thinking to move us with this discussion to FOO. After all we are discussing our D cs FOO-us. It is so relevant to conduct disorders, how does one maintain a healthy relationship with ones mate, in dealing with all of this, did not ksm write of it?</p><p></p><p>Feeling, how are you, little bird? I hope you are singing today.</p><p></p><p>Time to get going.</p><p></p><p>Deep warm feelings of aloha for all of my warrior sisters.</p><p></p><p>Malama pono!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 671569, member: 19522"] Good morning my friends, rain patters on the leaves as I write this, the air has begun to cool a bit. Winter paddling season has started for the kids. I am a bit busier, as sons team needs help, and I have been sucked into the coaching vortex. I took time off of winter coaching these years past, due to moms illness and the need to shed commitments. I will help, but must remember to put a limit to it. My life will become busier with this, and I must find balance. If my postings are fewer, it is the busy-ness. It is definitely vulnerability Cedar. Especially given hubs history, and his personality, and being a man. They are such very different creatures. Thank you for sharing this Cedar. I think after years and years of trying, I got tired. I invented and reinvented myself. All along, I was patterning. The patterning was the feeling of not being enough, that if I did this, if I did that, it would be different. The reality of it all, is in Maya Angelou's quote about loving yourself. For both of us. If I am projecting that I am not enough within myself, how could I be that for him? If he has never learned to love himself, how could he see and know what it is I am asking for? If he was never shown as a child this language of love, how could he speak it? I think what I am seeing is his struggle with his inner child. Beneath all of that is the vulnerability. The stuffing. Coupled with the pressures to be a mans man, a manly man, to handle whatever comes at one with..... bravado. It must be overwhelming for him. He has been fighting health issues for years now, I think he is very, very scared. But he wont show it. So it comes out in fits and angry outbursts. My response to this has been a withdrawing, to protect myself.The more I withdraw, the worse he gets. I will be examining this, and make changes to my response. Little changes. The first big change I [I]am [/I]doing, and that is to realize that I AM and always have been ...enough. That his actions have nothing to do with me and my own self worth.That he is trying to process all that has happened to his health, his children, as a man does. So, instead of wanting him to change, I will, again. That is the stuff of long term relationships, is it not? As our circumstances, bodies, minds, change and grow, to make sure we cherish our relationship and take it to the next level with us. I am glad for you Cedar, that you have this with your husband. I will work on this with the hubs. I will be his Anne Sullivan. He is Helen Keller, locked in his mans world of coping, by not expressing, or being able to see or hear or communicate. He has shut all of this out, but it is inside of him, boiling. I shall take him into the cabin in the woods and work with him. Gently, yet firmly. He needs to know that he has done the best job he could do for his children, that their addiction is not his failure, it is their choice. He needs to know that he is[I] enough. [/I] Yes, Cedar, you have hit the nail on the head. It is the language that is so different, with men and women. We get to go all mushy and gushy, to turn ourselves inside out with expressing sorrow and grief, while they have been taught to be pillars. Yes, I do believe my husband grieves over this. He suffered a horrendous childhood. Seeing the grands suffer so has caused him immense pain. Then there is the terrible feeling that there is nothing we can do to fix it. I think it brings him back to the horrors of his childhood. Much as M told Copa about the screaming. I wonder if it affects him so because he went through the same thing as the hubs. Imagine being a son, and not being able to protect your mother. Thank you Cedar. It is true. Despite all of our difficulties, it has been what I stayed for, what you write of here. Looking beneath the roughness, and seeing this, [I]knowing [/I]this. No, I have not. I have not really read in a very long time. We have only been out of this drama go round for three months now. So, in writing this, I am seeing the hurt is so fresh for all of us. I am processing here, but the hubs is not. The lights are on, but nobody is home. During all of the craziness, hubs had major health issues. He went further inside of himself to protect himself. It is hard for all of us, this aging thing. Especially for men, losing strength and vitality. Add the complexities of adult children with problems, what a brew. Esther Williams- you are sweet Copa-yes I am Esther and what a beautiful name. [MEDIA=youtube]xYW64moSLKg[/MEDIA] I shall be his Esther and he will be my Duke Kahanamoku. [MEDIA=youtube]cPnM4ymNj3o[/MEDIA] Yes Copa, this is true. How blessed I am to have you, sisters, to have you help me to see all of this. Thank you! I am thinking to move us with this discussion to FOO. After all we are discussing our D cs FOO-us. It is so relevant to conduct disorders, how does one maintain a healthy relationship with ones mate, in dealing with all of this, did not ksm write of it? Feeling, how are you, little bird? I hope you are singing today. Time to get going. Deep warm feelings of aloha for all of my warrior sisters. Malama pono! [/QUOTE]
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