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Message: <blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 671580" data-attributes="member: 18958">I want briefly to impart last night's dream, as I am able. I had a great love when I was 35 to 40. Edward. We were in graduate school together. I saw him and looked in his eyes and fell deeply in love. We were friends and then lovers. We lived together for a short time in San Francisco and then he left around the same I learned that my father was dead. I still loved him for another 15 years, I think, even though I only saw him one time. Imagine that.And him? He was living his life. He became a professor. He lives in Florida. The dream involved meeting him by accident. He was with a blonde woman. Someone beautiful and well put together and confident. He was enamored of her, she less so of him. I was a third wheel. Slightly jealous but still craving his acknowledgement. His attention. Somehow we were in an airport lounge, each of us on the way somewhere. I think the woman was deciding to leave Edward. That she had decided he was too labor intensive, too intense and self-absorbed. Somehow there was some anxiety about payment. I am sitting at a low table and going through my wallet, finding my Mastercard. Then a fire breaks out. We run up stairs and stairs and emerge in the part of the airport where the flight would leave.  I go to the counter with a new mastercard and was told that the old one was the one that I needed. I go back downstairs to find the old one which I had left on the table on the lower floor.Meanwhile, Edward was acting self-indulgent and self-absorbed and wearing on both of us, the blonde and I. Still, I craved Edward who was ignoring me. We end up having to climb out of a window.At the end, I am aware that the craving for Edward is way, way lessened. He tells me, I always loved you. It was always you. There is the sense in the dream that I had finally left Edward behind. I believe that Edward was always unavailable. And that was part of why he appealed to me.Edward was most likely my Mother.Yes. I am aware that I buy for the chemical rush. I am also aware that I am trying to flesh out materially parts of me that do not yet fully exist. Yesterday, I actually thought, this is worth every penny. Since I began this most recent buying, the jewelry, I have moved along very far, in my grief and in my hope, too. My mother had a safe deposit where she put most of her jewels. This is the thing about my mother: she went for the flash in the pan. The baubles that she had payed thousands for, were worth next to nothing. Except for an old ring, without monetary value, that I played with as a tiny girl, and a pearl necklace I gave my sister all of it. I did it to protect myself. My mother's jewely was largely cocktail rings, with semi-precious stones. There were also old wedding rings. I gave them to my sister.I will look again at the Hero's Quest. I am not familiar with the underconsciousness. I will look at it.What I am most aware of is the idea that I want to be complete.That would be very nice.M's sister called. She wants to help me today. I will go and pick her up in a half hour. M has gone to the other house. So we will be here at the house alone. That is a good thing. At first I got panicked at the idea. Now I feel good.I will check in much later.  We are doing well, you guys.I am grateful.COPA</blockquote>

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