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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 703631" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>Wow. The was coming from a very true and honest aspect of yourself. Yes, I believe that we are fearful, of what may happen, perhaps. To trust people, or in a greater sense, life, we have to drop that hypervigilance.</p><p></p><p>Yes, I too analyze and blame myself for choices that I have made. Men, as a rule, don't to this, or at least the men that I have known. Our culture trains and rewards men to take charge. It is frowned upon if men waver in their decision, it reveals possible weakness. Women, carry the guilt and grow up being, at times, passive aggressive. We often are the peacemakers and view our actions from all angles.</p><p></p><p>How will this affect others? Will they become upset? We are trained to compromise. Men go out and 'hunt' and we stay home to care for hearth and home. I am simplifying our culture. It has changed a lot, but still not very much. If something is wrong with the child, the mother is blamed. These days, women must make a living, raise the kids, have dinner on the table, and look sexy while doing it. Do I sound cynical?</p><p></p><p>Yes, this is gleaned from many anthropology and psychology courses. Most doctors in the past were men. Most of the nurses were women. The nurses knew the answer, but had to communicate in such a way to make the doctor feel that he had come up with the idea himself.</p><p></p><p>My mother always told me to keep the house clean, keep the kids quiet, and put on a 'fresh face' before my husband came home. I was Donna Reed! What I am trying to say, I rarely, if ever in the past, just thought of myself. "What do I want ?' is not in my repertoire. Are my choices going to affect anyone? How will I be perceived? What would be the best choice for others?</p><p></p><p>Now, I am totally alone for the first time in my life. I am lost and disoriented. I would be content with not being petrified and, maybe, not being so sad. I hate coming home these days. I finished a class 2 weeks ago. I started 2 more. I need 12 more units to reach the top pay, 70 units above my degree and 2 credentials. I do not want to take classes, but they go by your 3 top paying years to calculate your retirement. I am too sad to concentrate. But, here I am, pulling A's and pushing myself.</p><p></p><p>Copa, I use Tom's deodorant from CVS. It has no aluminum chloride. It is from Maine. If it is very hot and I am going someplace special, I will splurge on using antiperspirant. I shower every day and use scented lotion from Bath and Body Works, on sale after Christmas.</p><p></p><p>I did some of the SE exercises of placing a hand on your heart and a hand on your stomach. I tried to feel all of the sensations and feel grounded. I waited until I felt a shift. I became aware of the edges of my body. I strangely felt safer. But, more importantly, I felt like I was worth being safe. That I had value because I am a person with presence...a deserving real breathing person. I was not running away with my fear. My mind was not racing. My heart was not pounding. I slowed down. I felt important and valued by me.</p><p></p><p>My therapist is always annoyed at me because I always say that I needed to keep my youngest son safe. I did not want my illl son to go to prison if he killed me. I didn't not want my ill son to feel guilty. I did not want my other two sons to miss me and feel resentment towards my il son.</p><p></p><p>But, where am I in this scenario? My therapist always implores, "But, you did not want to be killed? You wanted to be safe." I would reply, "I wanted to keep my son safe".</p><p></p><p>I really did not feel that I was in the equation. It could due to my numbing out or disassociation. I rarely felt fear. It would be unbearable to be mentally present through all of the years that my life was being threatened.</p><p></p><p>That last night, I felt the visceral fear of a hunted animal. But, later when talking to therapists, no. I experienced flashbacks and nightmares. I was scared or traumatized on a deep level, but with my ptsd, I don't feel true fear.</p><p></p><p>Now, with being alone, it is all coming to the surface. I cannot numb out.</p><p></p><p>After my exercises, I felt that I was worth being alive. It is good that I was not killed. It might seem foreign to others to read this revelation. No, I don't hate myself. Yes, I do have a low self-concept. But, it was more of a lack of feeling. I am starting to feel a little better about myself. I am starting to realize that I am doing the best that I am able.</p><p></p><p>My mantra about the trauma continues to be: it was not my fault, I could not stop it, and I didn't deserve it. I am starting to believe it more.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 703631, member: 19245"] Wow. The was coming from a very true and honest aspect of yourself. Yes, I believe that we are fearful, of what may happen, perhaps. To trust people, or in a greater sense, life, we have to drop that hypervigilance. Yes, I too analyze and blame myself for choices that I have made. Men, as a rule, don't to this, or at least the men that I have known. Our culture trains and rewards men to take charge. It is frowned upon if men waver in their decision, it reveals possible weakness. Women, carry the guilt and grow up being, at times, passive aggressive. We often are the peacemakers and view our actions from all angles. How will this affect others? Will they become upset? We are trained to compromise. Men go out and 'hunt' and we stay home to care for hearth and home. I am simplifying our culture. It has changed a lot, but still not very much. If something is wrong with the child, the mother is blamed. These days, women must make a living, raise the kids, have dinner on the table, and look sexy while doing it. Do I sound cynical? Yes, this is gleaned from many anthropology and psychology courses. Most doctors in the past were men. Most of the nurses were women. The nurses knew the answer, but had to communicate in such a way to make the doctor feel that he had come up with the idea himself. My mother always told me to keep the house clean, keep the kids quiet, and put on a 'fresh face' before my husband came home. I was Donna Reed! What I am trying to say, I rarely, if ever in the past, just thought of myself. "What do I want ?' is not in my repertoire. Are my choices going to affect anyone? How will I be perceived? What would be the best choice for others? Now, I am totally alone for the first time in my life. I am lost and disoriented. I would be content with not being petrified and, maybe, not being so sad. I hate coming home these days. I finished a class 2 weeks ago. I started 2 more. I need 12 more units to reach the top pay, 70 units above my degree and 2 credentials. I do not want to take classes, but they go by your 3 top paying years to calculate your retirement. I am too sad to concentrate. But, here I am, pulling A's and pushing myself. Copa, I use Tom's deodorant from CVS. It has no aluminum chloride. It is from Maine. If it is very hot and I am going someplace special, I will splurge on using antiperspirant. I shower every day and use scented lotion from Bath and Body Works, on sale after Christmas. I did some of the SE exercises of placing a hand on your heart and a hand on your stomach. I tried to feel all of the sensations and feel grounded. I waited until I felt a shift. I became aware of the edges of my body. I strangely felt safer. But, more importantly, I felt like I was worth being safe. That I had value because I am a person with presence...a deserving real breathing person. I was not running away with my fear. My mind was not racing. My heart was not pounding. I slowed down. I felt important and valued by me. My therapist is always annoyed at me because I always say that I needed to keep my youngest son safe. I did not want my illl son to go to prison if he killed me. I didn't not want my ill son to feel guilty. I did not want my other two sons to miss me and feel resentment towards my il son. But, where am I in this scenario? My therapist always implores, "But, you did not want to be killed? You wanted to be safe." I would reply, "I wanted to keep my son safe". I really did not feel that I was in the equation. It could due to my numbing out or disassociation. I rarely felt fear. It would be unbearable to be mentally present through all of the years that my life was being threatened. That last night, I felt the visceral fear of a hunted animal. But, later when talking to therapists, no. I experienced flashbacks and nightmares. I was scared or traumatized on a deep level, but with my ptsd, I don't feel true fear. Now, with being alone, it is all coming to the surface. I cannot numb out. After my exercises, I felt that I was worth being alive. It is good that I was not killed. It might seem foreign to others to read this revelation. No, I don't hate myself. Yes, I do have a low self-concept. But, it was more of a lack of feeling. I am starting to feel a little better about myself. I am starting to realize that I am doing the best that I am able. My mantra about the trauma continues to be: it was not my fault, I could not stop it, and I didn't deserve it. I am starting to believe it more. [/QUOTE]
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