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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 706358" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>I don't know how to heal from the grief of my schizophrenic son being homeless and not knowing if I will ever see him again. Yes, I made the only choice that I could make to keep us all safe. </p><p></p><p>I have been dealing with the profound grief that my son had schizophrenia for 10 years. Now, I grieve that he is out there alone with a serious mental illness and I cannot help him or be privy to how he is doing.</p><p></p><p>I have been told that I should never see my son again due to safety reasons...even if he could ever be found. If he was ever found...then what? Nothing would result from this event except that he would run away farther and continue to be in hiding. He could not be forced into treatment...and then there is the 3 1/2 years more of the restraining order.</p><p></p><p>What I am trying to say is that the only way that I could ever see him again is if he was in treatment and was better. Even then, I could only see him in a hospital or at the police station. I could never see him as a 'regular' mother in any other setting. Schizophrenic people often go off medications with dangerous consequences.</p><p></p><p>I have no closure. I have a gaping wound that I am truly surprised that others can't 'see'... </p><p></p><p>Yes, I can carry on and perform reasonably well, but I do not feel that I will ever feel truly happy or reasonably 'normal' again. If I had been killed, though, I would not be feeling anything, so I should be grateful that my youngest son and I are safe. I should also be grateful that my schizophrenic son did not hurt us and thus feel badly, or was not hurt by the police. </p><p></p><p>But, I do not have closure. There are no ups or downs. It just is...and it is wearing me down. I used to feel and look young for my age. Now, I feel old and tired. I have lost my hope somewhere along the way. I used to always have my Pollyanna hope, ill-fitting or inappropriate as it might be. </p><p></p><p>Now, sadly, I don't even have that. My faith has been challenged and does not give me comfort like it always has. I am bereft and empty. </p><p></p><p>Yes, I know that he is alive by the activity of the small joint account. Yes, I am extremely grateful for this information. Some people do not have this. But, I truly ache for him. I cannot assuage this profound pain. I can busy myself by helping others, but it is always present. I always have that ache in my heart and feel like crying, and yet, I never can... </p><p></p><p>I am truly trying to be strong. It is just becoming much more difficult. I am so sorry that any of us are feeling this pain.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 706358, member: 19245"] I don't know how to heal from the grief of my schizophrenic son being homeless and not knowing if I will ever see him again. Yes, I made the only choice that I could make to keep us all safe. I have been dealing with the profound grief that my son had schizophrenia for 10 years. Now, I grieve that he is out there alone with a serious mental illness and I cannot help him or be privy to how he is doing. I have been told that I should never see my son again due to safety reasons...even if he could ever be found. If he was ever found...then what? Nothing would result from this event except that he would run away farther and continue to be in hiding. He could not be forced into treatment...and then there is the 3 1/2 years more of the restraining order. What I am trying to say is that the only way that I could ever see him again is if he was in treatment and was better. Even then, I could only see him in a hospital or at the police station. I could never see him as a 'regular' mother in any other setting. Schizophrenic people often go off medications with dangerous consequences. I have no closure. I have a gaping wound that I am truly surprised that others can't 'see'... Yes, I can carry on and perform reasonably well, but I do not feel that I will ever feel truly happy or reasonably 'normal' again. If I had been killed, though, I would not be feeling anything, so I should be grateful that my youngest son and I are safe. I should also be grateful that my schizophrenic son did not hurt us and thus feel badly, or was not hurt by the police. But, I do not have closure. There are no ups or downs. It just is...and it is wearing me down. I used to feel and look young for my age. Now, I feel old and tired. I have lost my hope somewhere along the way. I used to always have my Pollyanna hope, ill-fitting or inappropriate as it might be. Now, sadly, I don't even have that. My faith has been challenged and does not give me comfort like it always has. I am bereft and empty. Yes, I know that he is alive by the activity of the small joint account. Yes, I am extremely grateful for this information. Some people do not have this. But, I truly ache for him. I cannot assuage this profound pain. I can busy myself by helping others, but it is always present. I always have that ache in my heart and feel like crying, and yet, I never can... I am truly trying to be strong. It is just becoming much more difficult. I am so sorry that any of us are feeling this pain. [/QUOTE]
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