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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 706359" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I do not anymore believe in hope.</p><p></p><p>These things I feel too: and fat too. Defeated, tired; physically and mentally old. I think that things happen to people in the course of their lives that change them irretrievably. And that there is no going back.</p><p></p><p>I think back even 8 years: I was carefree. I was ready to go back to Rio and spend the rest of my life dancing. Thin and active, I used to love to look at myself in the mirror. I even bought a bikini. Needless to say, it is not being used much. So what can we do?</p><p></p><p>Well, in my case I began to speak to a spiritual director every week that she is available. She is a Rabbi. It has made an enormous difference. I speak about my pain. I start there, rather than suppressing it. And I find myself there. I have learned ways to STOP the stories inside me that give me the most pain. I do not know yet how to change the stories, or if it is possible but stopping helps. I realize I would wind myself into panic attacks, through what I was thinking.</p><p> Feeling. Things just keep getting harder. That is a reality. Your youngest, moving out. Your middle son, having troubles. Your fear and isolation.</p><p></p><p>For things to get easier, there has to be a change. You will not be able to change the circumstances, but you can go deeper into you, like I did with myself. And I found a place where there is peace.</p><p>I do not think there is healing from this. How could there be? I know women who gave up children for adoption, or had abortions that never heal. But they find a way to live. And they find themselves. The meaning of their lives. Or they can.</p><p></p><p>Forgive me for this: On some level you are beating your head against the wall, railing against fate--still fighting the horrible reality that came to be your life. The rabbi asked me: <em>can you imagine not fighting anymore? </em>This was in reference to my son. Fighting with him. For him. Against him. I think the same may be true with you.</p><p></p><p>If you have lost your faith, or cannot find it--look for it. G-d is there. He is searching for you. Look for G-d. Why not call a Spiritual Director. I found the Rabbi on the internet. I did not know her and I have never met her. (But I did kind of find out about her through searching google; her colleagues, her interests.) She lives maybe 3 hours from me. But I also called a lady in Philadelphia, too.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes I define what I am doing as getting ready to die. But I also believe I am learning to live. In a different way.</p><p></p><p>I care about you so much, Feeling. I wish I knew more to say. I will have to leave it with this.</p><p></p><p>Your friend.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 706359, member: 18958"] I do not anymore believe in hope. These things I feel too: and fat too. Defeated, tired; physically and mentally old. I think that things happen to people in the course of their lives that change them irretrievably. And that there is no going back. I think back even 8 years: I was carefree. I was ready to go back to Rio and spend the rest of my life dancing. Thin and active, I used to love to look at myself in the mirror. I even bought a bikini. Needless to say, it is not being used much. So what can we do? Well, in my case I began to speak to a spiritual director every week that she is available. She is a Rabbi. It has made an enormous difference. I speak about my pain. I start there, rather than suppressing it. And I find myself there. I have learned ways to STOP the stories inside me that give me the most pain. I do not know yet how to change the stories, or if it is possible but stopping helps. I realize I would wind myself into panic attacks, through what I was thinking. Feeling. Things just keep getting harder. That is a reality. Your youngest, moving out. Your middle son, having troubles. Your fear and isolation. For things to get easier, there has to be a change. You will not be able to change the circumstances, but you can go deeper into you, like I did with myself. And I found a place where there is peace. I do not think there is healing from this. How could there be? I know women who gave up children for adoption, or had abortions that never heal. But they find a way to live. And they find themselves. The meaning of their lives. Or they can. Forgive me for this: On some level you are beating your head against the wall, railing against fate--still fighting the horrible reality that came to be your life. The rabbi asked me: [I]can you imagine not fighting anymore? [/I]This was in reference to my son. Fighting with him. For him. Against him. I think the same may be true with you. If you have lost your faith, or cannot find it--look for it. G-d is there. He is searching for you. Look for G-d. Why not call a Spiritual Director. I found the Rabbi on the internet. I did not know her and I have never met her. (But I did kind of find out about her through searching google; her colleagues, her interests.) She lives maybe 3 hours from me. But I also called a lady in Philadelphia, too. Sometimes I define what I am doing as getting ready to die. But I also believe I am learning to live. In a different way. I care about you so much, Feeling. I wish I knew more to say. I will have to leave it with this. Your friend. [/QUOTE]
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