Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 706472" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>Yes, I partially agree with the hope of having a relationship, albeit tenuous and foreign...with brief glimpses of their past selves. </p><p></p><p>But, schizophrenia often robs a person of their touch with reality and you become someone new to them....a spy for the CIA, demon-possessed; someone to not trust, hurt, or kill...</p><p></p><p>I hate to be negative, but this is the nature of the disease. Yes, at times, on some level, my son knows that I love him, and, in turn, he loves me. That is why he argued with the command hallucinations by his voices to kill me.</p><p></p><p>A 'normal' son would never even contemplate the idea. Certainly, he would not go several rounds arguing and interjecting, "Uh huh, I understand..."</p><p></p><p>He probably knows that I am putting small amounts of money into our joint account for him to live off of. Yes, on a basic level, it is comforting to think that he knows that I 'forgave' him and that I love him and wish him well.</p><p></p><p>But, there is a major flaw in that thinking. Which is stronger at the moment: his love for me or his persecutory delusions?</p><p></p><p>Am I paying him off to keep him away?</p><p></p><p>Am I paying him because I stole what he thinks is 'his' house?</p><p></p><p>Am I part of an insidious spy plot?</p><p></p><p>Am I possessed by demons?</p><p></p><p>One gets tripped up when you apply reality and common sense to a situation that possesses neither, or at best, a meager transitory amount.</p><p></p><p>Yes, Wiser and Copa, I yearn for a glimpse. Not of his past self, but rather, a glimpse in the truest sense. I ache to see my son's face. If, I could also have a glimpse of his past self at that time...even better.</p><p></p><p>When he still lived with me, it was so very painful to see his old self...funny, articulate, and incredibly bright.</p><p></p><p>Yes, Wiser, it was when he was beating us at the game of Boggle. I wish that I had played with him more often. In retrospect, which is all I have these days, he probably felt good while he played. He had a brief respite from his voices.</p><p></p><p>But, at other times, it was the worst type of heartbreak having this brief view of my 'normal' son.</p><p></p><p>I had to watch him try to rally against his disease. I feel that a large amount of the destruction of property was because he was horribly frustrated and petrified of his new torturous existence. He was mad at the world about slowly losing his mind, losing himself, losing his reality. He struggled valiantly against the tide, in vain.</p><p></p><p>These views of his past self were bittersweet, yet agonizing to watch. But, I am being terribly selfish here.</p><p></p><p>Imagine how horrible it was...it is... to exist in a continual nightmare where one can never be at ease and must always scan for imminent danger from all sides like a hunted animal...</p><p></p><p>I am trying to hang onto hope. But, I also need to see the true 'reality' of the course of this disease.</p><p></p><p>I would much rather go back to being a Pollyanna...</p><p></p><p>Maybe, I need to live somewhere in the middle....with a tempered hope.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 706472, member: 19245"] Yes, I partially agree with the hope of having a relationship, albeit tenuous and foreign...with brief glimpses of their past selves. But, schizophrenia often robs a person of their touch with reality and you become someone new to them....a spy for the CIA, demon-possessed; someone to not trust, hurt, or kill... I hate to be negative, but this is the nature of the disease. Yes, at times, on some level, my son knows that I love him, and, in turn, he loves me. That is why he argued with the command hallucinations by his voices to kill me. A 'normal' son would never even contemplate the idea. Certainly, he would not go several rounds arguing and interjecting, "Uh huh, I understand..." He probably knows that I am putting small amounts of money into our joint account for him to live off of. Yes, on a basic level, it is comforting to think that he knows that I 'forgave' him and that I love him and wish him well. But, there is a major flaw in that thinking. Which is stronger at the moment: his love for me or his persecutory delusions? Am I paying him off to keep him away? Am I paying him because I stole what he thinks is 'his' house? Am I part of an insidious spy plot? Am I possessed by demons? One gets tripped up when you apply reality and common sense to a situation that possesses neither, or at best, a meager transitory amount. Yes, Wiser and Copa, I yearn for a glimpse. Not of his past self, but rather, a glimpse in the truest sense. I ache to see my son's face. If, I could also have a glimpse of his past self at that time...even better. When he still lived with me, it was so very painful to see his old self...funny, articulate, and incredibly bright. Yes, Wiser, it was when he was beating us at the game of Boggle. I wish that I had played with him more often. In retrospect, which is all I have these days, he probably felt good while he played. He had a brief respite from his voices. But, at other times, it was the worst type of heartbreak having this brief view of my 'normal' son. I had to watch him try to rally against his disease. I feel that a large amount of the destruction of property was because he was horribly frustrated and petrified of his new torturous existence. He was mad at the world about slowly losing his mind, losing himself, losing his reality. He struggled valiantly against the tide, in vain. These views of his past self were bittersweet, yet agonizing to watch. But, I am being terribly selfish here. Imagine how horrible it was...it is... to exist in a continual nightmare where one can never be at ease and must always scan for imminent danger from all sides like a hunted animal... I am trying to hang onto hope. But, I also need to see the true 'reality' of the course of this disease. I would much rather go back to being a Pollyanna... Maybe, I need to live somewhere in the middle....with a tempered hope. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
Top