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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 710458" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Funny. Feeling sad. I will call you now Funny Feeling sad.</p><p></p><p>Well, I am up because I cannot sleep and who shows up for a slumber party? Feeling sad. I am very glad to see you, Feeling. But not feeling sad. What can I say?</p><p></p><p>I feel concerned about your middle son, too. I do think he is trying to make you feel bad. Not to be mean but to not suffer alone. He has got survivor's guilt, I think. He must not feel he deserves to graduate on some level. I do not know what to say, when I pretty much always have something to say. I have been going through it with my own son. I am feeling very hopeless and sad.</p><p>I have an Amtrak ticket to leave April 15th for that cross-country trip. I paid for 8 days of hotels already. Non-refundable. And I am afraid to go.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is I feel my life depends upon it. If I cancel again, (the 4th time or 5th--and this time I bought the non-refundable hotel--I would lose a couple of thousand dollars as least)I feel there is no chance of ever getting a life back. I feel it will be as if to say, you might as well bury me now. Because 3.5 years plus of mourning my mother, and my own life, and desperately fearful about my son...without a life of my own, without goals, without productive activity or friends or entertainment or hobbies...and then cancelling again...would be accepting an early death.</p><p></p><p>How depressing to write this. But depressingly true.</p><p></p><p>M said something to me tonight (I will try to paraphrase here): <em>You have to find a way to live independent of J. Independent of your pain and worry for him. You have to find a way to live for yourself. It does not mean you are indifferent or that you do not love him.</em></p><p></p><p>I really think in my case the reason I target myself, if my son suffers, and do not permit myself to live if my child is suffering--is guilt from my childhood. I think I got the message that if anybody around me suffered, I had to be responsible to remedy it and if I did not, I had to sacrifice a pound of flesh (I wish I could do that literally because I still have 30 pounds to lose.) And you know what? I think my son understands that I can be and will accept being, his target. I think I must have taught him that. Not on purpose, grant you, but he must have realized that his suffering really triggered me and got my attention. I rewarded his playing to me...when he felt bad. Great.</p><p></p><p>Feeling. I am tired and I need to go to bed. M turns the light off at 9. He is being patient with me lately because I guess partly he is changing and partly he knows that I cannot take much. So I snuck out into the living room, and now I am tired. Oh. Guess what? It is 224 am. No wonder.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you checked in. I am mad at middle son that he cannot take care of you better. Of course I see he cannot take care of himself right now. But I still do not forgive him for not texting you every couple of days. That was heartless. I know he is a kind person, but that was still a heartless act. I am sorry, Feeling.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 710458, member: 18958"] Funny. Feeling sad. I will call you now Funny Feeling sad. Well, I am up because I cannot sleep and who shows up for a slumber party? Feeling sad. I am very glad to see you, Feeling. But not feeling sad. What can I say? I feel concerned about your middle son, too. I do think he is trying to make you feel bad. Not to be mean but to not suffer alone. He has got survivor's guilt, I think. He must not feel he deserves to graduate on some level. I do not know what to say, when I pretty much always have something to say. I have been going through it with my own son. I am feeling very hopeless and sad. I have an Amtrak ticket to leave April 15th for that cross-country trip. I paid for 8 days of hotels already. Non-refundable. And I am afraid to go. But the thing is I feel my life depends upon it. If I cancel again, (the 4th time or 5th--and this time I bought the non-refundable hotel--I would lose a couple of thousand dollars as least)I feel there is no chance of ever getting a life back. I feel it will be as if to say, you might as well bury me now. Because 3.5 years plus of mourning my mother, and my own life, and desperately fearful about my son...without a life of my own, without goals, without productive activity or friends or entertainment or hobbies...and then cancelling again...would be accepting an early death. How depressing to write this. But depressingly true. M said something to me tonight (I will try to paraphrase here): [I]You have to find a way to live independent of J. Independent of your pain and worry for him. You have to find a way to live for yourself. It does not mean you are indifferent or that you do not love him.[/I] I really think in my case the reason I target myself, if my son suffers, and do not permit myself to live if my child is suffering--is guilt from my childhood. I think I got the message that if anybody around me suffered, I had to be responsible to remedy it and if I did not, I had to sacrifice a pound of flesh (I wish I could do that literally because I still have 30 pounds to lose.) And you know what? I think my son understands that I can be and will accept being, his target. I think I must have taught him that. Not on purpose, grant you, but he must have realized that his suffering really triggered me and got my attention. I rewarded his playing to me...when he felt bad. Great. Feeling. I am tired and I need to go to bed. M turns the light off at 9. He is being patient with me lately because I guess partly he is changing and partly he knows that I cannot take much. So I snuck out into the living room, and now I am tired. Oh. Guess what? It is 224 am. No wonder. I am glad you checked in. I am mad at middle son that he cannot take care of you better. Of course I see he cannot take care of himself right now. But I still do not forgive him for not texting you every couple of days. That was heartless. I know he is a kind person, but that was still a heartless act. I am sorry, Feeling. [/QUOTE]
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