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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 710476" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>You are funny, too, Cola by wanting to donate pounds of flesh... Sign me up!</p><p></p><p>No, he never just texted me. I would text him several times in 10 days before he texted me back quickly. I think that he waited a few weeks to tell me because by then it would definitely be too late to go back to school.</p><p></p><p>I feel that he wanted to tell me earlier when he texted asking if he could call me and then texted the he "forgot' what he had wanted to say. When he took a long time to respond for the last few weeks, it was because he was already homeless and without electricity to recharge his phone.</p><p></p><p>He didn't give his medications a chance, if he ever really even started. He was texting at that point that he didn't know if he would even graduate. When I texted and asked how he was doing, there was never a response.</p><p></p><p>I would text him. I think that he was embarrassed and afraid to tell me. That is why when I texted him yesterday with a photo and asked if he was feeling a bit better, he responded by saying no and that he had stopped going to school and working. He then texted that his phone was dying and stopped texting.</p><p></p><p>He took up to 10 days to text back when I texted him. He never just texted me.</p><p></p><p>No, I don't think that he was trying to hurt me. He was avoiding me and did not have electricity.</p><p></p><p>I feel like a horrible mother. I would never have told him to go back to school last summer without thinking that he was going to go on antidepressants. Yes, I could not force him to do so, but I feel responsible just the same. </p><p></p><p>I know that I had suggested going to the school health center before, but he was too embarrassed. Yes, he could have gone earlier. Also, when he had seen a doctor in a clinic in September, who said that he seemed fine, he could have advocated for himself or followed it up. But, when you are depressed you have avolition. You don't feel like doing anything.</p><p></p><p>I didn't 'nag' a lot because I felt like it would have been counterproductive. I am kicking myself for not nagging more.</p><p></p><p>Yes, Copa, he does not feel like he deserves to graduate. His roommates and professors tried to help him. He was too depressed to care. He said that others deserve jobs more than he did. He said that others would do a better job of things.</p><p></p><p>It is a vicious cycle. He is chronically depressed, so he can't study well and also doesn't care. Then when he fails, he doesn't think good of himself.</p><p></p><p>I think that he stopped going right after he said that he finally received a prescription from a doctor at the school medical center, or just a week later. He did not give the prescription long enough to work. Or it was too late to pull up his grades. </p><p></p><p>I cannot totally beat myself up over this, but I have been seriously depressed for years. I tried to model positive behavior, but I found it very difficult to model a positive outlook. I felt depressed and 'modeled' hopelessness. I achieved and continued to work, but I modeled a wounded soul instead of a strong, capable soul.</p><p></p><p>Back to what Wisernow said, that we should treat ourselves kindly and with understanding. Yes, I know that I could not help modeling sadness or depression, but I did, never the less. I am hurting. It is difficult to model a positive outlook on life when you, yourself, do not possess one.</p><p></p><p>I cannot go on antidepressants because I had simple partial seizures, I would go numb on one side when I was awake, after my brain tumor was removed in December of 2007. Antidepressants can trigger a seizure disorder. My simple partials could become complete seizures. I would lose my job.</p><p></p><p>But, I fear that I have modeled hopelessness even before that. I stayed married to his abusive father too long. He was eight when I finally divorced. He then went through years of having to deal with visits with his father. He didnt have to go, but he would to protect my youngest son who had to go. </p><p></p><p>I then lived with and married a man who had no feelings and a shallow affect. </p><p></p><p>I modeled staying with 2 men who were mistreating me. Make that 3 men... </p><p></p><p>He also watched me being mistreated by my ill son for 9 years. He understood why I tolerated my ill son and never was concerned about his destruction of property, but rather, how he must be feeling to want to destroy things. He was afraid, though, that one day my ill son could kill me. He went away to school because he had a falling out with my ill son and realized that he would be less violent if he left. But, he continued to worry about my safety. My youngest stayed home longer to protect me.</p><p></p><p>I modeled that I was not worth having someone treat me better. I feel that was because of what I went through as a child having my life threatened by my sister from age 11 on. I really did not feel that I deserved better treatment or that I really don't know how better treatment would have felt. I felt the way I have since I was 11. It was 'normal' to hurt. That is all I have known. It was not foreign to me.</p><p></p><p>I still continued in life, but he felt and saw my extreme sadness.</p><p></p><p>He told me once that people don't realize that he is depressed because he jokes all of the time. That is my method that I have employed since childhood. People find me funny. They cannot see my profound sadness and hopelessness.</p><p></p><p>Yes, Copa, you need to go on your trip. I do, too. But I don't want to go on any level. It would be very discourteous of me to say no after being one of 36 chosen out of over 180 candidates. Both of the seminar programs were very competitive.</p><p></p><p>Copa, I am still dancing politely at Cotillion with my clean white gloves on. No one is the wiser, except my sons... In fact, my middle son has, sadly, learned how to 'dance', as well.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 710476, member: 19245"] You are funny, too, Cola by wanting to donate pounds of flesh... Sign me up! No, he never just texted me. I would text him several times in 10 days before he texted me back quickly. I think that he waited a few weeks to tell me because by then it would definitely be too late to go back to school. I feel that he wanted to tell me earlier when he texted asking if he could call me and then texted the he "forgot' what he had wanted to say. When he took a long time to respond for the last few weeks, it was because he was already homeless and without electricity to recharge his phone. He didn't give his medications a chance, if he ever really even started. He was texting at that point that he didn't know if he would even graduate. When I texted and asked how he was doing, there was never a response. I would text him. I think that he was embarrassed and afraid to tell me. That is why when I texted him yesterday with a photo and asked if he was feeling a bit better, he responded by saying no and that he had stopped going to school and working. He then texted that his phone was dying and stopped texting. He took up to 10 days to text back when I texted him. He never just texted me. No, I don't think that he was trying to hurt me. He was avoiding me and did not have electricity. I feel like a horrible mother. I would never have told him to go back to school last summer without thinking that he was going to go on antidepressants. Yes, I could not force him to do so, but I feel responsible just the same. I know that I had suggested going to the school health center before, but he was too embarrassed. Yes, he could have gone earlier. Also, when he had seen a doctor in a clinic in September, who said that he seemed fine, he could have advocated for himself or followed it up. But, when you are depressed you have avolition. You don't feel like doing anything. I didn't 'nag' a lot because I felt like it would have been counterproductive. I am kicking myself for not nagging more. Yes, Copa, he does not feel like he deserves to graduate. His roommates and professors tried to help him. He was too depressed to care. He said that others deserve jobs more than he did. He said that others would do a better job of things. It is a vicious cycle. He is chronically depressed, so he can't study well and also doesn't care. Then when he fails, he doesn't think good of himself. I think that he stopped going right after he said that he finally received a prescription from a doctor at the school medical center, or just a week later. He did not give the prescription long enough to work. Or it was too late to pull up his grades. I cannot totally beat myself up over this, but I have been seriously depressed for years. I tried to model positive behavior, but I found it very difficult to model a positive outlook. I felt depressed and 'modeled' hopelessness. I achieved and continued to work, but I modeled a wounded soul instead of a strong, capable soul. Back to what Wisernow said, that we should treat ourselves kindly and with understanding. Yes, I know that I could not help modeling sadness or depression, but I did, never the less. I am hurting. It is difficult to model a positive outlook on life when you, yourself, do not possess one. I cannot go on antidepressants because I had simple partial seizures, I would go numb on one side when I was awake, after my brain tumor was removed in December of 2007. Antidepressants can trigger a seizure disorder. My simple partials could become complete seizures. I would lose my job. But, I fear that I have modeled hopelessness even before that. I stayed married to his abusive father too long. He was eight when I finally divorced. He then went through years of having to deal with visits with his father. He didnt have to go, but he would to protect my youngest son who had to go. I then lived with and married a man who had no feelings and a shallow affect. I modeled staying with 2 men who were mistreating me. Make that 3 men... He also watched me being mistreated by my ill son for 9 years. He understood why I tolerated my ill son and never was concerned about his destruction of property, but rather, how he must be feeling to want to destroy things. He was afraid, though, that one day my ill son could kill me. He went away to school because he had a falling out with my ill son and realized that he would be less violent if he left. But, he continued to worry about my safety. My youngest stayed home longer to protect me. I modeled that I was not worth having someone treat me better. I feel that was because of what I went through as a child having my life threatened by my sister from age 11 on. I really did not feel that I deserved better treatment or that I really don't know how better treatment would have felt. I felt the way I have since I was 11. It was 'normal' to hurt. That is all I have known. It was not foreign to me. I still continued in life, but he felt and saw my extreme sadness. He told me once that people don't realize that he is depressed because he jokes all of the time. That is my method that I have employed since childhood. People find me funny. They cannot see my profound sadness and hopelessness. Yes, Copa, you need to go on your trip. I do, too. But I don't want to go on any level. It would be very discourteous of me to say no after being one of 36 chosen out of over 180 candidates. Both of the seminar programs were very competitive. Copa, I am still dancing politely at Cotillion with my clean white gloves on. No one is the wiser, except my sons... In fact, my middle son has, sadly, learned how to 'dance', as well. [/QUOTE]
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