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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 748421" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>You know, my son has used that word a lot in the recent past. <em>Consequences.</em> I hate it. </p><p></p><p>You see. He NEVER ever thinks of consequences in terms of his choices. He always uses the word in relation to something I have control over. Not that which he COULD control.</p><p></p><p>He uses the word in this sense: <em>I accept my consequences. What are my consequences?</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>By this he gives me responsibility. <em>I accept my spanking. I accept my time out. I accept losing my allowance.</em></p><p></p><p>And then, after that? We're back at baseline. No learning. To him, consequences are something floating out there. Like clouds. Like the weather. They roll in. They do their thing. They're gone. I am finally seeing it. I'm the weather. (<em>He has no control over the weather, right? It's got nothing to do with him, right?</em>)</p><p></p><p>He has no sense of cause and effect.There is no relationship in his mind between the way he lives and his choices. Except complete congruence. There is no light of day. There is a complete eclipse. </p><p></p><p>He may have occasional inconvenience. He may become anxious about one thing or another. He may run out of money. But his lifestyle causes him no distress. He chooses it.</p><p></p><p>And I honestly do not know why. I try to understand.</p><p></p><p>He feels a certain pride in surviving. He likes the adventure of it. All in all. There's nothing about a normal life he much misses or aspires to. </p><p></p><p>This last time he was back here he said something like this: <em>In all the time I've been homeless there were only 2 nights I did not sleep. I've learned to sleep sitting up. I am alert. I hear people coming.</em></p><p></p><p>In the past when I have searched for a way to understand, I found the cowboy metaphor comforting. <em>Sleeping under the stars. Living like a vagabond. </em>(I love cowboy movies.)</p><p></p><p>All of the things I have said and done to motivate him, encourage him, exort him to change have not worked--because he does not aspire one bit to anything I hold up as desirable. He wants none of it. N.O.N.E. Zero.</p><p></p><p>He has the exact life he wants. Until he runs out of money. Then he will talk fast and try to stack the deck so that it shows up in a way that I buy into. Until his next check arrives. And there we are. The con's revealed. (I have conned myself.)</p><p></p><p>Consequences are what I do to throw difficulties in his way (from his way of thinking, I guess) to thwart him in taking full advantage of whatever bonus creature comforts I might offer for a limited time. Like a free cruise and then you show up and the drinks cost $25. </p><p></p><p>My son does not see the difficulties, the indignities, the hardships, the discomfort of his lifestye as "consequences." His life, as he sees it, is his choice.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 748421, member: 18958"] You know, my son has used that word a lot in the recent past. [I]Consequences.[/I] I hate it. You see. He NEVER ever thinks of consequences in terms of his choices. He always uses the word in relation to something I have control over. Not that which he COULD control. He uses the word in this sense: [I]I accept my consequences. What are my consequences? [/I] By this he gives me responsibility. [I]I accept my spanking. I accept my time out. I accept losing my allowance.[/I] And then, after that? We're back at baseline. No learning. To him, consequences are something floating out there. Like clouds. Like the weather. They roll in. They do their thing. They're gone. I am finally seeing it. I'm the weather. ([I]He has no control over the weather, right? It's got nothing to do with him, right?[/I]) He has no sense of cause and effect.There is no relationship in his mind between the way he lives and his choices. Except complete congruence. There is no light of day. There is a complete eclipse. He may have occasional inconvenience. He may become anxious about one thing or another. He may run out of money. But his lifestyle causes him no distress. He chooses it. And I honestly do not know why. I try to understand. He feels a certain pride in surviving. He likes the adventure of it. All in all. There's nothing about a normal life he much misses or aspires to. This last time he was back here he said something like this: [I]In all the time I've been homeless there were only 2 nights I did not sleep. I've learned to sleep sitting up. I am alert. I hear people coming.[/I] In the past when I have searched for a way to understand, I found the cowboy metaphor comforting. [I]Sleeping under the stars. Living like a vagabond. [/I](I love cowboy movies.) [I][/I] All of the things I have said and done to motivate him, encourage him, exort him to change have not worked--because he does not aspire one bit to anything I hold up as desirable. He wants none of it. N.O.N.E. Zero. He has the exact life he wants. Until he runs out of money. Then he will talk fast and try to stack the deck so that it shows up in a way that I buy into. Until his next check arrives. And there we are. The con's revealed. (I have conned myself.) Consequences are what I do to throw difficulties in his way (from his way of thinking, I guess) to thwart him in taking full advantage of whatever bonus creature comforts I might offer for a limited time. Like a free cruise and then you show up and the drinks cost $25. My son does not see the difficulties, the indignities, the hardships, the discomfort of his lifestye as "consequences." His life, as he sees it, is his choice. [/QUOTE]
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