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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 749984" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>Leafy, thank you so much for the quote. It is very fitting. Yes, guilt and grief are felt over past events and worry and anxiety deals with the future. So true. I am trying to live day by day and stop persevering over the what ifs.</p><p></p><p>I am very glad that your grands are staying with you. They can experience normalacy and know that they have positive choices. They are very fortunate to have you. Yes, it is tenuous, but you have them for now. I hope that it works out. Keep me posted.</p><p></p><p>Whenever I hear a noise from my bedroom window, my mind goes straight to survival mode. Sadly, I will probably never lose my intense startle reflex. I can see that my schizophrenic son is still moving about in adjacent towns by his bank withdrawals. He lost his debit card, so I just have bank locations. But, that is immense. I just miss knowing the locations he frequents. I keep putting a small amount in each month for him and me. He was very skinny before and I need to know that he is eating. It helps me out immensely to know that he is alive. I could not carry on if I did not know.</p><p></p><p>Lately, I have a new worry. When he ran off to Washington 14 years ago, he never contacted me. I went up there to try to find him. I was actually circling around the block that he parked in the residential area. Anyway, he returned, without warning, to my door exactly 1 year later to the day. He later told me that he was establishing residency so that he could go to school there. He never went back to school.</p><p></p><p>The restraining order is for 5 years, the greatest amount given, and will expire next June. Will he return because he is then able do so without police intervention? One of his delusions is that my house belongs to him. I know that he probably won't because the whole experience fed all of his paranoid fears. But, he could be waiting to get 'his' house back.</p><p></p><p>It is up to me to extend the 5 years in court. It is a mute point because he could never be served or notified. I just have to be extra diligent.</p><p></p><p>I am trying to live in the present, but my 2nd son refuses to go to therapy and is very verbally abusive. He feels badly afterward, but it is greatly exaberating my chronic ptsd. I am back to walking on egg shells, once again. He tells me that he wants me to die and that he hopes that it is soon. I often go to my room and lock my door. My heart starts to race and I go into hyper vigilance. He is not violent towards me, but he hits himself, at times, and screams at me and calls me stupid, fat, and old.</p><p></p><p>Today, again, he told me that he wants me or my youngest son to watch his dog so that he can leave to live in his car. He did this once before when he was going to school up north and working 2 jobs. I almost went crazy with grief having 2 sons homeless. He would randomly call me about every 6 weeks, but spoke of throwing away his phone.</p><p></p><p>He says that if I don't take care of his dog so that he can leave and I make him stay with me, that he will kill himself. He feels that I, in essence, am choosing for him to die. He says that he should not be treating me poorly by yelling and verbally abusing me when I am only trying to help. I agree. He refuses to go to therapy. He says that he should not have to worry about how his behavior affects me or my youngest son. He says that his leaving is better than my finding him dead in his bedroom.</p><p></p><p>I am paralyzed in grief. I cannot call suicide prevention because they will not do anything unless a person is actively trying to kill themselves. Also, he knows what to say to appease them.</p><p></p><p>He is still on antidepressants and has stopped drinking for over a year. Yes, there is tough love and some might opine that I should tell him to leave if he will not go to therapy, get a job, or finish his last semester for his degree. He has done nothing for 2 years. But, he WANTS to leave. He liked being homeless. He said that homeless people are genuine. It is not just a threat meant to scare or control me. He wants me to tell him to leave. If he leaves, I could not emotionally handle it. Also, I would not know how he was doing. I feel that there is a greater chance of suicide if he leaves. At the very least, he would probably stop his medications and start drinking again.</p><p></p><p>I know that he feels badly living with his mother. But, I want him to gradually get better. Yes, l know that he needs to want that, too, and he doesn't want it, feels that he cannot achieve it, or that he doesn't deserve it.</p><p></p><p>Copa and Leafy, this is my quandary. I am paralyzed in grief and worry. I am trying to separate myself from his issues, but it is difficult because he is home all of the time. I hate summer now because I don't feel comfortable in my own house. I am rolling in cortisol from the stress. He tears me down over what I watch on TV, what I eat, what I say, and argues almost all of the time over nothing. I want to get things done around the house, but he hounds me. I usually go out to be away, but today I am afraid to leave because he might leave for good. So much for a break...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 749984, member: 19245"] Leafy, thank you so much for the quote. It is very fitting. Yes, guilt and grief are felt over past events and worry and anxiety deals with the future. So true. I am trying to live day by day and stop persevering over the what ifs. I am very glad that your grands are staying with you. They can experience normalacy and know that they have positive choices. They are very fortunate to have you. Yes, it is tenuous, but you have them for now. I hope that it works out. Keep me posted. Whenever I hear a noise from my bedroom window, my mind goes straight to survival mode. Sadly, I will probably never lose my intense startle reflex. I can see that my schizophrenic son is still moving about in adjacent towns by his bank withdrawals. He lost his debit card, so I just have bank locations. But, that is immense. I just miss knowing the locations he frequents. I keep putting a small amount in each month for him and me. He was very skinny before and I need to know that he is eating. It helps me out immensely to know that he is alive. I could not carry on if I did not know. Lately, I have a new worry. When he ran off to Washington 14 years ago, he never contacted me. I went up there to try to find him. I was actually circling around the block that he parked in the residential area. Anyway, he returned, without warning, to my door exactly 1 year later to the day. He later told me that he was establishing residency so that he could go to school there. He never went back to school. The restraining order is for 5 years, the greatest amount given, and will expire next June. Will he return because he is then able do so without police intervention? One of his delusions is that my house belongs to him. I know that he probably won't because the whole experience fed all of his paranoid fears. But, he could be waiting to get 'his' house back. It is up to me to extend the 5 years in court. It is a mute point because he could never be served or notified. I just have to be extra diligent. I am trying to live in the present, but my 2nd son refuses to go to therapy and is very verbally abusive. He feels badly afterward, but it is greatly exaberating my chronic ptsd. I am back to walking on egg shells, once again. He tells me that he wants me to die and that he hopes that it is soon. I often go to my room and lock my door. My heart starts to race and I go into hyper vigilance. He is not violent towards me, but he hits himself, at times, and screams at me and calls me stupid, fat, and old. Today, again, he told me that he wants me or my youngest son to watch his dog so that he can leave to live in his car. He did this once before when he was going to school up north and working 2 jobs. I almost went crazy with grief having 2 sons homeless. He would randomly call me about every 6 weeks, but spoke of throwing away his phone. He says that if I don't take care of his dog so that he can leave and I make him stay with me, that he will kill himself. He feels that I, in essence, am choosing for him to die. He says that he should not be treating me poorly by yelling and verbally abusing me when I am only trying to help. I agree. He refuses to go to therapy. He says that he should not have to worry about how his behavior affects me or my youngest son. He says that his leaving is better than my finding him dead in his bedroom. I am paralyzed in grief. I cannot call suicide prevention because they will not do anything unless a person is actively trying to kill themselves. Also, he knows what to say to appease them. He is still on antidepressants and has stopped drinking for over a year. Yes, there is tough love and some might opine that I should tell him to leave if he will not go to therapy, get a job, or finish his last semester for his degree. He has done nothing for 2 years. But, he WANTS to leave. He liked being homeless. He said that homeless people are genuine. It is not just a threat meant to scare or control me. He wants me to tell him to leave. If he leaves, I could not emotionally handle it. Also, I would not know how he was doing. I feel that there is a greater chance of suicide if he leaves. At the very least, he would probably stop his medications and start drinking again. I know that he feels badly living with his mother. But, I want him to gradually get better. Yes, l know that he needs to want that, too, and he doesn't want it, feels that he cannot achieve it, or that he doesn't deserve it. Copa and Leafy, this is my quandary. I am paralyzed in grief and worry. I am trying to separate myself from his issues, but it is difficult because he is home all of the time. I hate summer now because I don't feel comfortable in my own house. I am rolling in cortisol from the stress. He tears me down over what I watch on TV, what I eat, what I say, and argues almost all of the time over nothing. I want to get things done around the house, but he hounds me. I usually go out to be away, but today I am afraid to leave because he might leave for good. So much for a break... [/QUOTE]
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