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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 749990" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I know that you believe I am better off with<em> my son</em> home. And he is certainly better off. He has become highly damaged being homeless. But the thing is, I am not sure it was bad for him, if he survives it. </p><p></p><p>But I agree with you. It is better for me, that he is home. </p><p></p><p>It sounds like your middle son has insight. That he apologizes to you means a lot. He is able to see and accept that his behavior was wrong. Also with the letter from the research facility, he knows he blew it. He knows it was him. That's good, too, on a certain level.</p><p></p><p>In many ways our sons are a lot alike, your middle son and my son.</p><p></p><p>If you are set on keeping middle son home, I wonder if a therapist who specializes in family systems might help. You are dealing with a family dynamic that spans generations. I try not to study trauma (it triggers me) but they find that trauma affects genes and other physiological systems. There is intergenerational trauma that is transmitted for centuries. Not only have holocaust survivors had genetic changes, but their kids have too! You are dealing with something massively powerful. This is not just a psychological issue.</p><p></p><p>You triggered your son when you got involved with the letter. He lashed out.</p><p></p><p>I think you need to be careful to not put your own needs on your son. Your psychological and emotional needs. I do this with my son. I need him to do better. I need him to function. I need to not feel hopeless. This is a lot to put on somebody who is not functioning optimally to begin with. This is why I think a family systems therapist might help. Maybe you can talk to your therapist about this. I'm glad you found somebody you like.</p><p></p><p>Everything you say in this last post about Middle son, I agree with. But the thing is this: He is an adult and he has personal autonomy and freedom. He is free to leave. But you don't need to accept the dog. He has to work that out himself.</p><p></p><p>I think I would put it to him that way. <em>I can't stand in your way. But I am unable to take the dog.</em> (If that is the case.)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 749990, member: 18958"] I know that you believe I am better off with[I] my son[/I] home. And he is certainly better off. He has become highly damaged being homeless. But the thing is, I am not sure it was bad for him, if he survives it. But I agree with you. It is better for me, that he is home. It sounds like your middle son has insight. That he apologizes to you means a lot. He is able to see and accept that his behavior was wrong. Also with the letter from the research facility, he knows he blew it. He knows it was him. That's good, too, on a certain level. In many ways our sons are a lot alike, your middle son and my son. If you are set on keeping middle son home, I wonder if a therapist who specializes in family systems might help. You are dealing with a family dynamic that spans generations. I try not to study trauma (it triggers me) but they find that trauma affects genes and other physiological systems. There is intergenerational trauma that is transmitted for centuries. Not only have holocaust survivors had genetic changes, but their kids have too! You are dealing with something massively powerful. This is not just a psychological issue. You triggered your son when you got involved with the letter. He lashed out. I think you need to be careful to not put your own needs on your son. Your psychological and emotional needs. I do this with my son. I need him to do better. I need him to function. I need to not feel hopeless. This is a lot to put on somebody who is not functioning optimally to begin with. This is why I think a family systems therapist might help. Maybe you can talk to your therapist about this. I'm glad you found somebody you like. Everything you say in this last post about Middle son, I agree with. But the thing is this: He is an adult and he has personal autonomy and freedom. He is free to leave. But you don't need to accept the dog. He has to work that out himself. I think I would put it to him that way. [I]I can't stand in your way. But I am unable to take the dog.[/I] (If that is the case.) [/QUOTE]
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