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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 757717" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>Greetings, Copa, New Leaf, and others. I am truly sorry that it has been so long. I am just barely holding on. I remote taught my class and stayed home mostly since March 19th because I am high risk. I miss teaching terribly, but most of my students rose to the occasion and did very well with remote learning and completed most, if not all, of the assignments. I feel sorry for them. We have lived a 'normal' life, but they are just starting.</p><p></p><p>I am here with my middle son. He has gone back onto antidepressants, but stopped therapy after a brief try. He has become very verbally abusive and somewhat physically abusive. He threw my teacher manuals across the room and tore them last week and this week he poured a diet soda over my head. I should have told him to leave earlier. He wants to leave because he does not like how he is treating me and apologizes all of the time. But, I live in fear of him. It is pushing all of my PTSD buttons. Now, with covid, he cannot leave unless it is to kill himself, which he threatens weekly. Tonight, he crossed the line. I have been sad and numb for weeks. I work hard as a teacher, but during my off hours of relaxing, he verbally tears me down. I have had a week of vacation. Tonight he said that he had better leave before I call the cops on him, like I did to his older brother. Everyday, my heart breaks for my eldest schizophrenic son. My middle son is acting like he did 3 years in, but I cannot handle losing contact with him, as well. Yesterday, it was exactly 5 years since I filed a restraining order against my schizophrenic son for arguing with his voices to kill me, after he had threatened to kill me numerous times. I ache and worry everyday. </p><p></p><p>Yet, I cannot even think of losing my 2nd son. He wants me to take care of his beloved Husky and kill himself. But, I cannot handle any more verbal abuse. I am unraveling. I am strong, but I am starting to numb out. I want 'normal'. I have not had 'normal' since I was 11. I am in a quandary. I cannot handle being torn down daily, but yet I know that I will fall apart with a 2nd son out there without contact. His phone is dying and he is not buying a new one. Also, I cannot tell him to leave, although he keeps threatening, during the covid pandemic.</p><p></p><p>So...here I sit locked in my room. PDST is strong. I want to hide and curl up into a ball. I am not afraid, yet I do not want to confront him. I am on autopilot. All of my trauma is rising up. My past is still there. I cannot leave, nor see a friend, due to covid. Blessedly, I have my friends here on this site. I have had turmoil for over 50 years. I am tired. I have gone to therapy and texted my therapist that I have not seen since lock down for help. I figure that I can leave to charge my car's battery, because I cannot speak freely here. I cannot do anything freely here...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 757717, member: 19245"] Greetings, Copa, New Leaf, and others. I am truly sorry that it has been so long. I am just barely holding on. I remote taught my class and stayed home mostly since March 19th because I am high risk. I miss teaching terribly, but most of my students rose to the occasion and did very well with remote learning and completed most, if not all, of the assignments. I feel sorry for them. We have lived a 'normal' life, but they are just starting. I am here with my middle son. He has gone back onto antidepressants, but stopped therapy after a brief try. He has become very verbally abusive and somewhat physically abusive. He threw my teacher manuals across the room and tore them last week and this week he poured a diet soda over my head. I should have told him to leave earlier. He wants to leave because he does not like how he is treating me and apologizes all of the time. But, I live in fear of him. It is pushing all of my PTSD buttons. Now, with covid, he cannot leave unless it is to kill himself, which he threatens weekly. Tonight, he crossed the line. I have been sad and numb for weeks. I work hard as a teacher, but during my off hours of relaxing, he verbally tears me down. I have had a week of vacation. Tonight he said that he had better leave before I call the cops on him, like I did to his older brother. Everyday, my heart breaks for my eldest schizophrenic son. My middle son is acting like he did 3 years in, but I cannot handle losing contact with him, as well. Yesterday, it was exactly 5 years since I filed a restraining order against my schizophrenic son for arguing with his voices to kill me, after he had threatened to kill me numerous times. I ache and worry everyday. Yet, I cannot even think of losing my 2nd son. He wants me to take care of his beloved Husky and kill himself. But, I cannot handle any more verbal abuse. I am unraveling. I am strong, but I am starting to numb out. I want 'normal'. I have not had 'normal' since I was 11. I am in a quandary. I cannot handle being torn down daily, but yet I know that I will fall apart with a 2nd son out there without contact. His phone is dying and he is not buying a new one. Also, I cannot tell him to leave, although he keeps threatening, during the covid pandemic. So...here I sit locked in my room. PDST is strong. I want to hide and curl up into a ball. I am not afraid, yet I do not want to confront him. I am on autopilot. All of my trauma is rising up. My past is still there. I cannot leave, nor see a friend, due to covid. Blessedly, I have my friends here on this site. I have had turmoil for over 50 years. I am tired. I have gone to therapy and texted my therapist that I have not seen since lock down for help. I figure that I can leave to charge my car's battery, because I cannot speak freely here. I cannot do anything freely here... [/QUOTE]
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