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Feeling Torn, No Win Situation
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 728788" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Hi Laker,</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, I do. My response is based on my own family members, my observations over years and what I've often read on this forum. I believe it's possible, however, you know your son and what he is capable of, I don't. And, the "some sort of life" may not be something you can tolerate. For instance, my brother lived on the streets in L.A. for a number of years before my other brother and I managed to get him in a room where he's been for 2 decades. He told me that he was part of a community of homeless. </p><p></p><p>I think we often step in to help because we cannot tolerate the kind of lives our adult kids choose. </p><p></p><p>We can only do what our hearts can bear.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>No, no one receives treatment. They've managed to survive and in my sister's case, thrive. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I understand your response. You may be correct, he may end up homeless, unhealthy, unsafe and alone. <em>However, he may not</em>. Can you live with the uncertainty? Pema Chodron's books and videos helped me to deal with that uncertainty. Books like When things fall apart, The places that scare you and Comfortable with uncertainty gave me a different perspective. For me, it helped to look into my own fears about controlling the future. Eckhart Tolle's books, The power of now and the New Earth were important resources as well.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You know your son better than anyone. If you can remove your own fears and let go of how you've responded in the past so that you can hold on to a new perspective, look closely at how your son responds to determine how much of what he does is a manipulation or a survival strategy that presumes someone else will handle what he needs to handle. Over time I began seeing that in my daughter, once my own FOG began to lift, I could see the difference in what she really could not do and what she was simply choosing not to do because she had developed strategies to get someone else to save her. </p><p></p><p>Your son may indeed be struggling with schizoaffective disorder which often has religious components to it along with delusions.... my therapist told me it is often either misdiagnosed or part of a diagnosis of bi-polar. Mental illness is very complex and difficult to diagnose. Our adult kids won't get the help they need with a diagnosis or medication compliance.....and then we are left to handle what they won't.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You are doing everything possible to help your son. Once you get the Government help going and the possible housing along with your boundary of limits on time and money......what else can you do? </p><p></p><p>Support has been the key for me. Otherwise I would live in fear and continue trying to control what I can't control. Along with all you're doing for your son, make sure you are doing for yourself as well. Shift the focus from your son to yourselves......I know that's tough when our kids are struggling, however, that simple shift of perspective will elicit in you more calm, more emotional stability and more clarity. It's very easy to remain in the hamster wheel stuck in fear...</p><p></p><p>Hang in there Laker, you're doing a good job in gaining clarity and resolve as you move thru this. One foot in front of the other.....one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time....</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 728788, member: 13542"] Hi Laker, Yes, I do. My response is based on my own family members, my observations over years and what I've often read on this forum. I believe it's possible, however, you know your son and what he is capable of, I don't. And, the "some sort of life" may not be something you can tolerate. For instance, my brother lived on the streets in L.A. for a number of years before my other brother and I managed to get him in a room where he's been for 2 decades. He told me that he was part of a community of homeless. I think we often step in to help because we cannot tolerate the kind of lives our adult kids choose. We can only do what our hearts can bear. No, no one receives treatment. They've managed to survive and in my sister's case, thrive. I understand your response. You may be correct, he may end up homeless, unhealthy, unsafe and alone. [I]However, he may not[/I]. Can you live with the uncertainty? Pema Chodron's books and videos helped me to deal with that uncertainty. Books like When things fall apart, The places that scare you and Comfortable with uncertainty gave me a different perspective. For me, it helped to look into my own fears about controlling the future. Eckhart Tolle's books, The power of now and the New Earth were important resources as well. You know your son better than anyone. If you can remove your own fears and let go of how you've responded in the past so that you can hold on to a new perspective, look closely at how your son responds to determine how much of what he does is a manipulation or a survival strategy that presumes someone else will handle what he needs to handle. Over time I began seeing that in my daughter, once my own FOG began to lift, I could see the difference in what she really could not do and what she was simply choosing not to do because she had developed strategies to get someone else to save her. Your son may indeed be struggling with schizoaffective disorder which often has religious components to it along with delusions.... my therapist told me it is often either misdiagnosed or part of a diagnosis of bi-polar. Mental illness is very complex and difficult to diagnose. Our adult kids won't get the help they need with a diagnosis or medication compliance.....and then we are left to handle what they won't. You are doing everything possible to help your son. Once you get the Government help going and the possible housing along with your boundary of limits on time and money......what else can you do? Support has been the key for me. Otherwise I would live in fear and continue trying to control what I can't control. Along with all you're doing for your son, make sure you are doing for yourself as well. Shift the focus from your son to yourselves......I know that's tough when our kids are struggling, however, that simple shift of perspective will elicit in you more calm, more emotional stability and more clarity. It's very easy to remain in the hamster wheel stuck in fear... Hang in there Laker, you're doing a good job in gaining clarity and resolve as you move thru this. One foot in front of the other.....one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time.... [/QUOTE]
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