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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 749889" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>This is a process that involves a lot of fits and starts. I write this post not to judge but to support you, so that you don't suffer unduly.</p><p>These are magic words. What I mean by that is he knows the words that will trigger you, and he uses them. Depleting his 401k is a magic word. If he chooses to do this, to deplete his 401k to pay a trivial bill, what does it have to do with you?</p><p></p><p>Trying. I think you continue to put him in the center of your life and psyche. To orient your choices about what is right for you <em>based upon how you perceive his well-being,</em> not your own.</p><p></p><p>He will not perish without wifi. However, this continual dynamic with him is highly damaging to you, and to him too. I believe. This is not about one bill. It is about this destructive dynamic.</p><p>Why does this have anything to do with it? He is a working, independent adult who has removed himself 100 percent from his family who he sees only to be used and abused. His work life is his business.</p><p></p><p>Do you see paying this bill as a reward to him for going to work? Do you see paying this bill as a means to have some control that he continue to go to work? There is no connection between his working (or doing any other thing) and your paying this bill. Do you see paying the bill as the toll you pay, in order that he communicate with you? In other words, do you buy contact with him by paying his bills? Is that what you want?</p><p></p><p>I think by buying in and paying this bill, and engaging with him based upon his continuing efforts to control you based upon playacting neediness only when he wants something you are choosing to continue this hurtful and destructive pattern. You suffer so much with this Trying. Let alone the cost to son, that he continue behaving this way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 749889, member: 18958"] This is a process that involves a lot of fits and starts. I write this post not to judge but to support you, so that you don't suffer unduly. These are magic words. What I mean by that is he knows the words that will trigger you, and he uses them. Depleting his 401k is a magic word. If he chooses to do this, to deplete his 401k to pay a trivial bill, what does it have to do with you? Trying. I think you continue to put him in the center of your life and psyche. To orient your choices about what is right for you [I]based upon how you perceive his well-being,[/I] not your own. He will not perish without wifi. However, this continual dynamic with him is highly damaging to you, and to him too. I believe. This is not about one bill. It is about this destructive dynamic. Why does this have anything to do with it? He is a working, independent adult who has removed himself 100 percent from his family who he sees only to be used and abused. His work life is his business. Do you see paying this bill as a reward to him for going to work? Do you see paying this bill as a means to have some control that he continue to go to work? There is no connection between his working (or doing any other thing) and your paying this bill. Do you see paying the bill as the toll you pay, in order that he communicate with you? In other words, do you buy contact with him by paying his bills? Is that what you want? I think by buying in and paying this bill, and engaging with him based upon his continuing efforts to control you based upon playacting neediness only when he wants something you are choosing to continue this hurtful and destructive pattern. You suffer so much with this Trying. Let alone the cost to son, that he continue behaving this way. [/QUOTE]
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