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<blockquote data-quote="Kathy813" data-source="post: 749899" data-attributes="member: 1967"><p>Many of us used to post all of the time when we were in crisis. It is why this site exists. Please don't feel bad about posting.</p><p></p><p>Think about the pattern here. He keeps you worrying about him by not responding to your (or your husband's texts). There is no reason for him not to respond. He is doing it out of spite and malice.</p><p></p><p>Then . . . he needs something. Bam! He reaches out and plays the pity card and you rush to his rescue. And then there is silence and the cycle repeats.</p><p></p><p>Stop the cycle now. He is working. He is an adult. He needs to have a budget so he can pay his bills. It is not your problem. Repeat . . . it is not your problem.</p><p></p><p>So what if he takes the money from his 401K? Why should you spend your hard earned money to pay his bill because he was reckless with the money he makes at this job. How many of us expect people to swoop in and pay our bills?</p><p></p><p>Now this is hard to hear because I have heard it myself. You are enabling him if you pay that bill. He will not change if you rescue him. He needs to suffer the consequences of spending recklessly.</p><p></p><p>As far as paying for his phone . . . that is a difficult topic that many of us have argued about over the years. I am in the camp that adults are responsible for their bills and that includes a phone. Others maintain that it is a lifeline to their children and gives them the peace of mind that their loved one is alive.</p><p></p><p>I get that. I really do. However, do you really have peace of mind when you are checking his phone and checking up on him at work? Or does it cause more anxiety wondering why he won't respond to you when you know he can? I guess that is something that you have to decide.</p><p></p><p>I hope you don't think I am being too harsh. I remember over the years being hurt by some responses calling out my behavior of enabling. I thought at the time that they just didn't get it. That they didn't understand that I was really trying to help my daughter. But in retrospect, they were right. I was still in the mindset that I could control my daughter's actions or that I could fix her. It turned out that I couldn't do either. All I could do was control my own actions and reactions to what she was doing.</p><p></p><p>I like the other posters' suggestions to focus on yourself and your husband. It is a shame that there are so few Al-Anon groups close to you. Have you tried an online Al-Anon group?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kathy813, post: 749899, member: 1967"] Many of us used to post all of the time when we were in crisis. It is why this site exists. Please don't feel bad about posting. Think about the pattern here. He keeps you worrying about him by not responding to your (or your husband's texts). There is no reason for him not to respond. He is doing it out of spite and malice. Then . . . he needs something. Bam! He reaches out and plays the pity card and you rush to his rescue. And then there is silence and the cycle repeats. Stop the cycle now. He is working. He is an adult. He needs to have a budget so he can pay his bills. It is not your problem. Repeat . . . it is not your problem. So what if he takes the money from his 401K? Why should you spend your hard earned money to pay his bill because he was reckless with the money he makes at this job. How many of us expect people to swoop in and pay our bills? Now this is hard to hear because I have heard it myself. You are enabling him if you pay that bill. He will not change if you rescue him. He needs to suffer the consequences of spending recklessly. As far as paying for his phone . . . that is a difficult topic that many of us have argued about over the years. I am in the camp that adults are responsible for their bills and that includes a phone. Others maintain that it is a lifeline to their children and gives them the peace of mind that their loved one is alive. I get that. I really do. However, do you really have peace of mind when you are checking his phone and checking up on him at work? Or does it cause more anxiety wondering why he won't respond to you when you know he can? I guess that is something that you have to decide. I hope you don't think I am being too harsh. I remember over the years being hurt by some responses calling out my behavior of enabling. I thought at the time that they just didn't get it. That they didn't understand that I was really trying to help my daughter. But in retrospect, they were right. I was still in the mindset that I could control my daughter's actions or that I could fix her. It turned out that I couldn't do either. All I could do was control my own actions and reactions to what she was doing. I like the other posters' suggestions to focus on yourself and your husband. It is a shame that there are so few Al-Anon groups close to you. Have you tried an online Al-Anon group? [/QUOTE]
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