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<blockquote data-quote="Kathy813" data-source="post: 749953" data-attributes="member: 1967"><p>Okay, that makes sense. I couldn't understand how his current sponsor would be willing to tell you if your son was drinking or not.</p><p></p><p>I do agree, though, with the poster that said ignorance can be bliss. I purposely never had a Facebook account because I didn't want to know what my daughter was doing or posting. I knew that if she knew I had a Facebook she would deliberately try to use it to manipulate me.</p><p></p><p>My therapist used to say that our troubled children know what triggers our fears as parents and use those things against us. My daughter would tell us she was hungry, homeless, sick, etc (even though she wasn't) because that is what we were most fearful of. We had to learn to stop reacting to her when she said those things.</p><p></p><p>Your son seems to know that you don't want him using up his 401K so that is right where he goes. You can't let him know that it bothers you. Just shrug and say to him, "if that's what you need to do, then do it. Maybe you should work on a budget in the future so you don't have to keep raiding your 401K" and then let it go. I know it is easier said than done but I promise you that he will give it up if it stops working for him.</p><p></p><p>Now, for some of your other points:</p><p></p><p>1) Credit card debt. He ran up the credit cards so it is his responsibility to pay them off. If he can't pay, they will cut off the cards and it will ruin his credit. So what? It won't kill him. He may have to live on cash instead. That might be a good thing for him.</p><p></p><p>I was so worried about my daughter ruining her credit score that I paid off many of her credit cards and then she would just turn around and run them up again. Finally, I stopped and life went on. She did tank her credit but it wasn't the end of the world.</p><p></p><p>When she got sober and wanted to rent an apartment, she suffered the consequences. Her score was too low to be able to rent an apartment. She ended up having to get her roommate's mother to cosign (I refused). She finally realized all of that running up credit cards and not paying bills had consequences and now she is so proud of working her way back up on her own. She never would have learned that if I had just kept bailing her out and letting the cycle continue. In her 3.5 years of sobriety, she has worked hard on raising her score and she just proudly told me it was up to 650.</p><p></p><p>2) 401K. He may end up using it all up. Many people don't have 401K's or money in the bank. Again, it won't kill him. He will finally be forced to live within his means.</p><p></p><p>3) Your son is working full time, right? That should be enough for one person to live on. He might have to get a roommate or a second job. So what? Many people have to work two jobs to make ends meet. Why shouldn't he?</p><p></p><p>4) Alcohol. This one is the scariest one to me. This one can kill him. However, it is also something that you can't fix. Your son has to want to stop drinking (or using drugs) and be willing to put in the work to get sober. You have to learn to let go and get on with your life. It doesn't make you a bad mother.</p><p></p><p>I have given a lot of thought to this thread since I first posted. I am not trying to be flippant. I am just trying to get you to see that the things you are so worried about don't really matter. </p><p></p><p>Please stop tearing yourself up. You are a good mother; however, being a good mother doesn't mean that you have to let your son mistreat you.</p><p></p><p>Let go so he can grow up even if it means he has to fall first.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kathy813, post: 749953, member: 1967"] Okay, that makes sense. I couldn't understand how his current sponsor would be willing to tell you if your son was drinking or not. I do agree, though, with the poster that said ignorance can be bliss. I purposely never had a Facebook account because I didn't want to know what my daughter was doing or posting. I knew that if she knew I had a Facebook she would deliberately try to use it to manipulate me. My therapist used to say that our troubled children know what triggers our fears as parents and use those things against us. My daughter would tell us she was hungry, homeless, sick, etc (even though she wasn't) because that is what we were most fearful of. We had to learn to stop reacting to her when she said those things. Your son seems to know that you don't want him using up his 401K so that is right where he goes. You can't let him know that it bothers you. Just shrug and say to him, "if that's what you need to do, then do it. Maybe you should work on a budget in the future so you don't have to keep raiding your 401K" and then let it go. I know it is easier said than done but I promise you that he will give it up if it stops working for him. Now, for some of your other points: 1) Credit card debt. He ran up the credit cards so it is his responsibility to pay them off. If he can't pay, they will cut off the cards and it will ruin his credit. So what? It won't kill him. He may have to live on cash instead. That might be a good thing for him. I was so worried about my daughter ruining her credit score that I paid off many of her credit cards and then she would just turn around and run them up again. Finally, I stopped and life went on. She did tank her credit but it wasn't the end of the world. When she got sober and wanted to rent an apartment, she suffered the consequences. Her score was too low to be able to rent an apartment. She ended up having to get her roommate's mother to cosign (I refused). She finally realized all of that running up credit cards and not paying bills had consequences and now she is so proud of working her way back up on her own. She never would have learned that if I had just kept bailing her out and letting the cycle continue. In her 3.5 years of sobriety, she has worked hard on raising her score and she just proudly told me it was up to 650. 2) 401K. He may end up using it all up. Many people don't have 401K's or money in the bank. Again, it won't kill him. He will finally be forced to live within his means. 3) Your son is working full time, right? That should be enough for one person to live on. He might have to get a roommate or a second job. So what? Many people have to work two jobs to make ends meet. Why shouldn't he? 4) Alcohol. This one is the scariest one to me. This one can kill him. However, it is also something that you can't fix. Your son has to want to stop drinking (or using drugs) and be willing to put in the work to get sober. You have to learn to let go and get on with your life. It doesn't make you a bad mother. I have given a lot of thought to this thread since I first posted. I am not trying to be flippant. I am just trying to get you to see that the things you are so worried about don't really matter. Please stop tearing yourself up. You are a good mother; however, being a good mother doesn't mean that you have to let your son mistreat you. Let go so he can grow up even if it means he has to fall first. [/QUOTE]
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