Dashcat, I think you got excellent advice on both sides. I also know that there is nothing you can do if she won't get help. Even though she is living with you, she is not acting safe so this is a real challenge.
Whatever you choose to do, you know you have us in your corner. We can't keep our grown kids safe, whether or not they live with us because they will do what they want to do. Another thing...we can not live forever. Then what? I am a big fan of the grown child, if necessary, learning how to get help on her own. At the end of the day, she will have to do just that...it will be up to her. Better at her age than at 35 or 45 when she has not learned to deal with a difficult life on her own. But if you want to allow her to stay there, I understand that too. It is very hard to let go...very hard.
As far as the boyfriend/girlfriend at 21, I would probably allow it, but NOT if it was a different one every night or if the adult child was not responsible. However, in my house, I am not uncomfortble with sex between consenting adults at 21, even if it is my own child. My grown kids sometimes had their SO's stay with them under my roof.
However, I am a big believer in, my house, my rules. You have to decide what you are comfortable with. It is not up to any of us. (((Hugs)))!!!
