Finally, an inpatient rehab date!!!

[ksm]

DGD is to go to inpatient rehab Oct. 16th. Will she be ready? Packed? Probably, as she may be jailed if she doesn't. Staying clean has been a struggle.

She is currently on diversion program that last 18 months. She is probably on her third month and it hasn't gone well. I know she's had relapses. And got caught on a random UA.

We are still caring for our great grandson. Yesterday was his parent-teachers conference at Head start. She didn't manage to show up. But the teacher says he's doing well. I managed to tell her what's supposed to happen this week in case she notices affects on GGSon.

We plan on telling him that his mom is going to a special school so she can learn to get a job when she gets home. If we tell him she's going somewhere to get better he will think she's sick and that will worry him. She and the diversion officer we're planning on her living in a Oxford House for women and children. But GGS well just spend occasional times with her at the home until she's more stable. I think she'd be overwhelmed after being in rehab for a month to be responsible for him 24/7.

He still spends every other weekend with his father. I will update how things are going on in a week or so.

Ksm

 

[ksm]

Moderator. Can you delete this post? It is a duplicate and I don't know to delete.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Ksm
That's good news. You, F, and your GGS A are so blessed to have each other. I pray that rehab takes.
I don't know what to say because my understanding of your situaiton is so colored by my own. I am at the point where I can't tolerate even speaking by phone to my son. It is so agitating to me.

In our case I don't think drugs are the only issue. This may be the elephant in the room, but personality issues, the fact he was 22 months without any parent at all, are lurking right there in the corner.

I have to learn to accept that we don't get what we need in this life, and have to deal with, and accept, others how they are. We get no vote over another adult. We all know this is so heartbreakingly difficult with our children.

I am still stuck in the place of having to have strong physical, external boundaries, because intermally I can't yet cope with nor accept my son. This causes me great pain.

I

 

[AchyBreakyHeart]

Hi Copa,

I’ve poured over this whole website recently and I’m dealing with a similar situation to yours. My son 28yo is currently homeless. I have a temporary restraining order against him because he will not leave me alone. He used to call me several times a day just to yell and demand I do things for him. He lies and gaslights and he’s just annoying. I, like you, cannot stand talking to him. He has drug issues and I believe a personality disorder as well. Specifically antisocial disorder. He has been assessed by mental health specialists and didn’t pass an assessment to be admitted into a psychiatric hospital. Ironically, I’m struggling with worry about him. In his last email to me, he told me he was hungry and that broke me. Also, it’s supposed to rain here in a couple of days and all of the shelters in our area are full. If you are single homeless man without mental illness you are screwed as far as services go for being homeless. Women, children and families have priority which I understand. I’m looking in to group meetings and seeing a therapist on how to cope with knowing my child is on the streets. We just moved here 6 months ago and I regret bringing him with us. He has no friends or family. His dad is completely out of the picture. Now that everyone in my family has a restraining order against him, we can’t have any communication with him so I won’t know if he’s hurt. He lost his phone and wallet so he has no identification. The cherry on top is that all we’ve asked him to do is tell us the truth about his addiction and we will get him help and pay for him to stay at a sober living house. He won’t do it. I’m completely at my wits end.

 

[MommaTried24]

I am at the point where I can't tolerate even speaking by phone to my son. It is so agitating to me.

I am still stuck in the place of having to have strong physical, external boundaries, because intermally I can't yet cope with nor accept my son. This causes me great pain.

Copa, this is exactly where I am right now. My son was released from jail today and I got the call. He has only the clothes on his back, no place to go, and the temperature is really going to drop tonight. I told him to go check himself into rehab for a place to stay (he has great insurance) but he won't do it. I told him he better start finding a warm place to stay tonight then while it's still warm and daylight outside. He does have some money in his bank account and obviously got his phone turned back on and charged. He ended up using his childhood trauma (that wasn't my fault) and his brain surgery against me. I'm not in a good way right now at all. This is always the first place I go. I am so grateful to have you all. I'm sorry you feel the same way about your son as I do. My heart is just broken into a million pieces and I'm completely at my wits in too AchyBreakyHeart.

 

[Copabanana]

He won’t do it.

Well. There you are.

This is my place to stand: Our adult children (almost all of them) can meet their own needs. They know how to get food, shelter, get on and pay for the bus, get medical care, etc. They are unmotivated for a variety of reasons.

He ended up using his childhood trauma (that wasn't my fault) and his brain surgery against me.

My son was in an orphanage his first 22 months. He was born drug exposed. Then when he was about 22 or 23 he had a brain injury.
STill, he has free choice. In my state there are all kinds of services. He chooses to not avail himself of these.

Bottom line:

Many of our children are mentally ill. There may be complex reasons for them to chhose the bottom of the barrel, to live their lives. It helps them not one bit if we live our lives down there with them. It does not help them and no matter how much we suffer, by joining them we only reinforce their helplessness, lack of motivation, self-pity, dependency, sense that there is a free ride, and their self-indulgence.

Sadness, sorrow and heartbreak do exist in the world. I would have liked a life with not so much of it. But this is real life we get.

It is what it is.

I think it is the right thing to do to protect ourselves. All of us have had quite enough suffering. We don't need more from our kids. It doesn't help them to hurt us. It really doesn't.

 

[Copabanana]

We just moved here 6 months ago and I regret bringing him with us. He has no friends or family

Can your son go back to the area where you are all from? It it were me, I think I would subsidize the move. If there are few resources where you live and he does not have any kind of a support system or contacts, maybe it would make sense for him to go back home.

I have done a great deal for my son, hoping to get him on his feet and headed in the right direction. (None of it worked.) But the thing is, I live where there is not extreme cold, and my son goes back and forth on the train, depending on what's more comfortable for him. I don't any more feel responsible for housing or feeding or anything else.

I am immensely more happy since I stepped back, and began to refuse him entry into a property I own. I am immensely happier to admit to myself I don't want to see my son. I have outbreaks of grief and guilt, (around his birthday which was last week), and when he comes to my town with the expectation he can manipulate me into entry. He can't anymore. But I admit I feel great grief when I say no. But I do say no.

 

[AchyBreakyHeart]

You are so strong Copa. I bet last week was tough for you. I’m dreading the holidays. Good for you for setting those boundaries for yourself and sticking through them. Why are they so manipulative?

We suggested he go back to his hometown but he refuses. We even offered to drive him. He has destroyed almost every relationship he’s had so going back wouldn’t be a great idea because there’s no connections there.
We also live where it isn’t too cold. The nights get down to the low 40s and in the winter it can hit freezing but no snow. I’m learning to detach. It’s hard work. Having a TRO helps. We have set boundaries.

One thing that pulls me out of guilt is that he has choices. He just doesn’t want to put in the work. We’ve offered help but he wants things on his terms so we are at an impasse. Where I get stuck in guilt is that if he decides he wants to get clean and let us help him, how will he let us know? When we go to court for the permanent restraining order, I plan on asking the judge for just a stay away order. That way, he will be able to call or email in an emergency. I’m just praying I don’t get bombarded with calls.

 

[MommaTried24]

My son was in an orphanage his first 22 months. He was born drug exposed. Then when he was about 22 or 23 he had a brain injury.
STill, he has free choice. In my state there are all kinds of services. He chooses to not avail himself of these.

Bottom line:

Many of our children are mentally ill. There may be complex reasons for them to chhose the bottom of the barrel, to live their lives. It helps them not one bit if we live our lives down there with them. It does not help them and no matter how much we suffer, by joining them we only reinforce their helplessness, lack of motivation, self-pity, dependency, sense that there is a free ride, and their self-indulgence.

Copa I really needed what you said. I have an immense amount of respect for you and I totally agree with Achy how strong you are. I did not know your son had a brain injury. Mine was 12 when he had his surgery. He went back to regular school and did great academically without an aide to help and guide him so using that as an excuse now at 28 doesn't fly with me. I told him that too.

In my state there are all kinds of services for him as well and he's got excellent insurance to utilize for help. Told him that too but he also chooses to not avail himself of these services and programs. Even told him to check himself into Vanderbilt (where all of his medical records are since birth for epilepsy and the brain surgery) for an evaluation and help. He won't do it. He shows zero concern or respect for me and doesn't care one bit what he's put me through and continues to manipulate me with guilt trips. Never, ever says he's sorry either. I could drive two hours to rescue him and bring him home but in a matter of a month, he'd be picking a fight and doing the same old crap to me he was doing 4 years ago when I had enough and drove him to his dad's.

I told a friend of mine this morning that it's sad when your only child makes you wish you were dead. That's how tired I am of this entire situation that never gets better. Your words help me keep going so much. I have to keep letting go and letting God. Me stepping in to help now after four years is only going to set everything back. He must suffer so bad that it forces him to change. He tries to manipulate me with guilt to force me to help him and I must stand my ground. I just have to keep praying to God that things will get better and know it's his timing and not mine.

Thank you again for being here with us. I cannot tell you how much you help me. May God bless you and I pray things get better with your son too.

 

[MommaTried24]

One thing that pulls me out of guilt is that he has choices. He just doesn’t want to put in the work. We’ve offered help but he wants things on his terms so we are at an impasse.

Thank you Achy. This is exactly where I am with my son too. 100%. You're right, they just do not want to put in the work. They want everybody else to fix them instead of trying to fix themselves. Fixing themselves would eliminate their excuses for not fixing themselves. It's such a stupid and vicious cycle for us.

 

[Copabanana]

He shows zero concern or respect for me and doesn't care one bit what he's put me through and continues to manipulate me with guilt trips. Never, ever says he's sorry either. I could drive two hours to rescue him and bring him home but in a matter of a month, he'd be picking a fight and doing the same old crap to me

Momma. The change has to come from you. We have to come to the point of realization that not thing we do or do not do will make a difference. Only they can make a difference. We have to come to the acceptance that we are worth protecting. Just that. That we deserve happiness.

Your words help me keep going

Good. Nothing about this is easy. Today my partner M asked if my son changed some if I would be willing to let him back into a property I own if my son paid the utilities. I said, blah blah blah blah: The list of the ways my son is unreliable and difficult and might cause problems with the other tenants. By the end of the conversation i had agreed to construct a small apartment where my son could leave and enter independent of the other tenants and have limited contact with them.

This is aspirational. We've tried this 9, 8, 7, 6, 6, 4 and 3 years ago. It did not work. But the thing is, M says my son looks 40 (he just turned 36) and that his life is wearing on him physically. I am still his mother.

I don't know what I would need to feel safe letting him into that apartment (I would have a property manager so I wouldn't have to deal with him myself), but if it did come to it it wouldn't be with the idea I could have any effect on him or how he lives, and the expectations would be in writing for him and for I. All I would want out of it is that he is safe and out of the street.

I struggle with exactly the same things as you all. There is no place to stand of "been there, done that." It's a spiral.

He must suffer so bad that it forces him to change.

I don't agree with this. The reason for you to change is based on your independent value in this life. We must take stands for ourselves, independent of whether they will change or no. They may never change. That doesn't mean we can't. We can be happy. We deserve safety and happiness.

 

[MommaTried24]

All I would want out of it is that he is safe and out of the street.

I wish I had a place for my son. My Alanon sponsor and her husband always had rental properties. They had places for her daughter to stay like you but they didn't do it. She is dead now. Been gone for several years. She was only 31 years old. They did like you and tried and tried and it never made a difference. She said her daughter would have just expected more and more and moved others in and trashed the place.

I haven't helped him in 4 years and I somehow feel like he just needs his own place to live. I got him an apartment about 8 years ago and he did ok for about 7 months. He was drinking heavily and it's a miracle he survived the drinking with the epilepsy but he did pay his rent. Then he moved in with my dad so he could live for free and drink more. The guilt of doing nothing is getting the best of me today. I just wanted he and I to be close and have a good relationship. I wanted to mean something to him but I don't. I am nothing but a means to an end for him. It breaks my heart. He is all I have left.

I feel like I should have never opened back communication with him so now I have to start all over from the bottom. I'm at my bottom today. My Alanon sponsor says do nothing. Do not intervene. Let go and let God. Trust God to protect him. That's easier said than done for me right now. I just don't understand what I did to deserve a son like this after everything he and I went through with the epilepsy and the brain surgery. Our life was hard but we were close before the alcoholism. He was my life.

I am alone now. I've been divorced for 14 years. Both of my parents are gone, no significant other, estranged family and still dealing with a son who could care less and blames me for where he is. I'm just wallowing in it today. Hopefully, this too shall pass but I just want to disappear right now. Thank you so much for taking the time to message me here Copa. You are helping to save me from myself today.

 

[MommaTried24]

KSM I am SO sorry I totally hijacked your post today. Please forgive me for I've not been here very long.

 

[Copabanana]

They had places for her daughter to stay like you but they didn't do it. She is dead now.

How very sad.

The guilt of doing nothing is getting the best of me today.

I don't believe there is anything we can do. There are thousands of people who fight to get sober every day at AA and NA. Our adult children can do it.

I wanted to mean something to him but I don't. I am nothing but a means to an end for him. It breaks my heart. He is all I have left.

We have to mean something to ourselves. Part of it is letting ourselves be that, means to ends, to our children. Meal tickets. Things. We shouldn't be that to anybody. We are souls and not things.

No. He is not all you have. You have yourself. And if you are a believer, you have G-d. Everything changed for me when I returned to my faith.

Trust God to protect him.

Yes.

I just don't understand what I did to deserve a son like this after everything he and I went through with the epilepsy and the brain surger

Nothing! This is crazy talk. Stop indulging yourself. I was a single mom. I was estranged with EVERYBODY in my family. My son was the love of my life. I feel quite sure my son was as much to me as yours is to you.. I came to see that I have a relationship to G-d that is bigger.

He was my life.

I recognize this feeling. But it will get you nowhere. It will get me nowhere. It will get him nowhere.

I believe we have the obligation to have well. It is part of my faith, but I have always felt this way. It's not just our children that have obligations. We have obligations. I believe in right and wrong. That there is always a better thing to do. I hold myself to that. I fail a lot. But then I get better at it.

Focus on all that you are doing good for yourself. Al Anon is good. Being here is good. Trusting others who walk the same walk as you, is good.

 

[MommaTried24]

I was a single mom. I was estranged with EVERYBODY in my family. My son was the love of my life. I feel quite sure my son was as much to me as yours is to you.. I came to see that I have a relationship to G-d that is bigger.

Copa, you are definitely good. You are so right and I feel so blessed that God put you in my path here today. I hope we can be friends for as long as this forum lasts. I feel a lot in common with you. It's nice to not feel so alone. Thank you.

 

[ksm]

KSM I am SO sorry I totally hijacked your post today. Please forgive me for I've not been here very long.

No problem... We all know the heartache and struggles. Ksm

 

[Copabanana]

Thank you.

You're welcome.

 

[AchyBreakyHeart]

I’m so sorry I hijacked the tread as well KSM. I hope you’ll forgive me and I promise to be more mindful.

 

[Copabanana]

I’m so sorry I hijacked the tread

There are so few of us on the board that I think it makes sense for us to stick together.

 

[ksm]

She didn't make it to rehab today and was missing in action for the past 4 days. She never came home, but would send a text or two each day that she was on her way...but never showed up.

Then this morning she texted, admitting that she "messed up" and was going to ask the rehab facility if she could go tomorrow. Supposedly it's a go for tomorrow.

Cross your fingers. I will be in a car with her for 3 hours. And hopefully she will sleep most of the time. Pray I will keep my mouth shut. But if she complains about how inconvenient going to rehab is, I'm afraid I will lose it. Ksm