Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Finally, I can vent to someone who will understand
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 670866" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi LostStep-Mom and welcome to the forum. I read your story a couple of times, and it resonates with me, as it is very similar to my son's story.</p><p></p><p>He used alcohol plus prescription pills for a long time, and all it brought him was more and more trouble. There are just certain people who can't use substances, and my son is one of them. His dad and I are divorced and he was like a ping-pong ball back and forth between us for a while. I had prayed that he WOULD go into the military---hoping that could fix him---but he never did. In the end, I had to draw very very strong boundaries---anything less was just asking for continuous harassment from him---kick him out, at times limit phone calls and texts to once a week at a particular time (he would text and call me relentlessly once I started setting more and more boundaries with him), and limit face to face visits. At one point I told him if he came to my house without an invitation, I would call the police and get a restraining order.</p><p></p><p>You can see how far down things can go. With addiction we are no match. Addiction will mow down everything in its path. It takes no prisoners. </p><p></p><p>I offered my son every kind of help known to man, therapists, rehab, psychiatrists, 12-step. He threatened suicide multiple times and every time I would call the police and he would go to the ER to be evaluated (a good thing). Once they sent him to the state hospital for about five days. Then he was back out again, back to doing the same things over and over and over. It was insanity. </p><p></p><p>I started going to Al-Anon because I was going out of my mind and I had to have help. There is no logic or reason or common sense to any of this. They will do the absolute worst thing for themselves, and they will do it again and again and again. You can't stop it, you can't reason with it, and in the end, you have to save yourself.</p><p></p><p>People who don't want treatment and won't help themselves can't be helped by anybody else. That is a bare fact. </p><p></p><p>I tried for years and years to get through to my son. I am one of the most persistent people in the world (hopefully in a good way most of the time). Finally I had to get on my knees and admit and accept I had met my match and it was the 40 foot tall monster called addiction.</p><p></p><p>I had to save myself. I love my son very very much, just like all parents love their kids. He had a very good upbringing with all the trappings, if you know what I mean. That doesn't matter. </p><p></p><p>You are in a tough place because you are a step-parent. It sounds like you have hung in there so well with your husband, and have tried and tried to help your step-son. I take my hat off to you, because I can't imagine putting up with what our DCs so and not being their lifelong parent. It's too much for us even.</p><p></p><p>There is no magic answer here. Once you and your husband are sick and tired enough of the behavior, you will have to set boundaries and then you will have to learn to stick to them. That's the hard part when you love someone because it's "in us" to give people we love 1000 chances. We want to believe them. In the end, their behavior is the true measurement of everything.</p><p></p><p>It doesn't matter what his diagnosis is at this point. He is a binge drinker and that is a huge problem. My ex-husband was a very high functioning alcoholic (his word, not mine), a binge drinker who performed very well until he binge-drank and it wasn't even every weekend. He finally stopped drinking, went to rehab and goes to AA still today. But alcohol wrecked our marriage. You can't have a relationship with someone, anyone, whose #1 love is alcohol (or pot or pills or heroin or whatever it is). It just doesn't work.</p><p></p><p>I would recommend some books to you and your husband: CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie, Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, any/all Al-Anon literature. I would recommend you and your husband go to Al-Anon meetings in your area---they are free, they last one hour, and I will tell you without hesitation that Al-Anon not only saved my sanity but working the program has made me a much healthier and better person. I can't say enough good things about Al-Anon. </p><p></p><p>Please keep sharing here. We know how hard and bewildering this is. I hope it is of some comfort for you to know that the patterns are basically the same. The details are different, but we have all walked virtually the same path. I wish love saved people, but it doesn't. In the end, they have to decide to save themselves first---and the day they do, that is when we can step in with support.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 670866, member: 17542"] Hi LostStep-Mom and welcome to the forum. I read your story a couple of times, and it resonates with me, as it is very similar to my son's story. He used alcohol plus prescription pills for a long time, and all it brought him was more and more trouble. There are just certain people who can't use substances, and my son is one of them. His dad and I are divorced and he was like a ping-pong ball back and forth between us for a while. I had prayed that he WOULD go into the military---hoping that could fix him---but he never did. In the end, I had to draw very very strong boundaries---anything less was just asking for continuous harassment from him---kick him out, at times limit phone calls and texts to once a week at a particular time (he would text and call me relentlessly once I started setting more and more boundaries with him), and limit face to face visits. At one point I told him if he came to my house without an invitation, I would call the police and get a restraining order. You can see how far down things can go. With addiction we are no match. Addiction will mow down everything in its path. It takes no prisoners. I offered my son every kind of help known to man, therapists, rehab, psychiatrists, 12-step. He threatened suicide multiple times and every time I would call the police and he would go to the ER to be evaluated (a good thing). Once they sent him to the state hospital for about five days. Then he was back out again, back to doing the same things over and over and over. It was insanity. I started going to Al-Anon because I was going out of my mind and I had to have help. There is no logic or reason or common sense to any of this. They will do the absolute worst thing for themselves, and they will do it again and again and again. You can't stop it, you can't reason with it, and in the end, you have to save yourself. People who don't want treatment and won't help themselves can't be helped by anybody else. That is a bare fact. I tried for years and years to get through to my son. I am one of the most persistent people in the world (hopefully in a good way most of the time). Finally I had to get on my knees and admit and accept I had met my match and it was the 40 foot tall monster called addiction. I had to save myself. I love my son very very much, just like all parents love their kids. He had a very good upbringing with all the trappings, if you know what I mean. That doesn't matter. You are in a tough place because you are a step-parent. It sounds like you have hung in there so well with your husband, and have tried and tried to help your step-son. I take my hat off to you, because I can't imagine putting up with what our DCs so and not being their lifelong parent. It's too much for us even. There is no magic answer here. Once you and your husband are sick and tired enough of the behavior, you will have to set boundaries and then you will have to learn to stick to them. That's the hard part when you love someone because it's "in us" to give people we love 1000 chances. We want to believe them. In the end, their behavior is the true measurement of everything. It doesn't matter what his diagnosis is at this point. He is a binge drinker and that is a huge problem. My ex-husband was a very high functioning alcoholic (his word, not mine), a binge drinker who performed very well until he binge-drank and it wasn't even every weekend. He finally stopped drinking, went to rehab and goes to AA still today. But alcohol wrecked our marriage. You can't have a relationship with someone, anyone, whose #1 love is alcohol (or pot or pills or heroin or whatever it is). It just doesn't work. I would recommend some books to you and your husband: CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie, Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, any/all Al-Anon literature. I would recommend you and your husband go to Al-Anon meetings in your area---they are free, they last one hour, and I will tell you without hesitation that Al-Anon not only saved my sanity but working the program has made me a much healthier and better person. I can't say enough good things about Al-Anon. Please keep sharing here. We know how hard and bewildering this is. I hope it is of some comfort for you to know that the patterns are basically the same. The details are different, but we have all walked virtually the same path. I wish love saved people, but it doesn't. In the end, they have to decide to save themselves first---and the day they do, that is when we can step in with support. Warm hugs. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Finally, I can vent to someone who will understand
Top