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<blockquote data-quote="silverlining" data-source="post: 616892" data-attributes="member: 14299"><p>Hi dstc_99,</p><p></p><p>I wanted to send you a virtual hug regarding your post. I've only posted once but I read this site a lot...</p><p></p><p>As I was reading your list it was eerie, I could have written that kind of list on a daily basis. My difficult child (trying his best to be a easy child) did that every day in 5th and 6th grade (he is now 13 and in 7th) and it just about drove me around the bend. At the time he had finally been diagnosis'd with ADD (inattentive) and medicated for it, so he was doing better in school...but as soon as he stepped off the bus, even if he had a good day he started picking fights literally over whether I'm walking too fast or to slow, the weather is nice or it isn't, and the sky is blue. Yes, really he has tried to argue with me about that. </p><p></p><p>I came to grit my teeth and hate the time that he got home from school because this would start immediately and there went my nice bubble that I would like to live in all day long too. No matter how hard I tried to stay calm and patient and not take it personally, at some point I'd snap and end up stressed, shouting, feeling mad and upset the rest of the day. easy child/older brother would just disappear into his room for the rest of the day and shut the door, which made me even more sad. </p><p></p><p>Things are better now. Not perfect but the negativity got better after we figured out some things about our difficult child,</p><p></p><p>1. a certain ADD medication made him super irritable, to the point of mania/crazy talk, until we switched and found one that did not make him so angry and unhappy about every little thing. So now we can actually have a disagreement and talk it out without immediately getting all the angry words, insults, provoking, shouting and (when I tried to reason back with logic) retreating into his room and shutting down. </p><p></p><p>2. He had a high level of constant anxiety & fear about school, esp. appearing stupid in front of the other kids (he has an IEP, but would rather keep failing every test than use his accommodations). His therapist thought his anxiety was holding him back even more than his Learning Disability (LD)'s. So now he also takes Intuniv at night; AM dose had him falling asleep in class. It seems to take an edge off, so he doesn't escalate straight from zero to cussing me out over daily stuff, like brushing teeth for example: this used to cause WW III every single morning and at first we thought it was a sensory thing, but now I think it was because he was already ramped up and stressed just thinking about the school day.</p><p></p><p>3. when he didn't eat a good lunch with-protein, only chips/drinks/candy, it was especially bad - he's only now beginning to understand/acknowledge there's a connection between what he eats and how it will make him feel later in terms of mood and ability to focus. </p><p></p><p>4. not that he'd listen to me about it, but he got from his peers and from health and P.E. class that for many people, exercise is stress relief, so we were able to convince him that if he feels bad he can go out on the trampoline and "jump it off" to feel better. He often does that by himself now without any prompting.</p><p></p><p>5. When we suggested that he might be happier at a different school, it just made it worse - he did like his school (and we do too), and he does have some good friends there who also live in our neighborhood (despite also having some bullies), and for him the idea of possibly switching schools was another constant source of anxiety. So we've been reassuring him we would not take him out against his wish, and I think that's helped too.</p><p></p><p>Reading your daughter's list of things that are wrong at her school, it felt to me like no matter how good the school is (and yay for her that she did see some bright spots!), she could always come up with more things to be negative about because of her own internal stress that expresses itself that way. Taking it out on you that she is anxious, worried, stressed, feeling bad emotionally or physically or both, whatever it may be in her situation. I'm guessing it's her stress relief to try and pour all that negativity onto you and that's why some things on her list may not seem like rational complaints. My difficult child could go on forever until he was truly in the realm of ridiculous/irrational complaints, and that was a signal that he had bad feelings inside that he didn't know how else to express. I used to call myself his lightning rod - dumping bad vibes on me seemed to calm him down and make him feel better! Argh, that was so hard. I felt like a failure that I had such an unpleasant and oppositional kid.</p><p></p><p>Sorry this is so long. Please take everything with-grain of salt. I just feel that I've been there too, so I would like to send you that bubble where your daughter's negative vibes can roll off the outside and not poke through. It's a nice place, quiet, warm, no storms get in. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> </p><p></p><p>(Boy does that bring back my own anxieties about middle school though. I feel for your daughter on some things I remember hating such as...those lockers...the bathrooms...the cliques...the homophobes, anti-Semites, all kinds of intolerance, even coming from some teachers...everyone else but me was skinny and looked good in their clothes... also, getting a public comment about your nice *** may not feel like a compliment, it may be rudeness/harassment depending on how it was said...middle school boys aren't known for being especially polite or respectful especially in groups, so maybe she might like to speak about that with a counselor she likes if it made her feel bad.)</p><p></p><p>Warm wishes from the polar vortex (a.k.a. East Coast).</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="silverlining, post: 616892, member: 14299"] Hi dstc_99, I wanted to send you a virtual hug regarding your post. I've only posted once but I read this site a lot... As I was reading your list it was eerie, I could have written that kind of list on a daily basis. My difficult child (trying his best to be a easy child) did that every day in 5th and 6th grade (he is now 13 and in 7th) and it just about drove me around the bend. At the time he had finally been diagnosis'd with ADD (inattentive) and medicated for it, so he was doing better in school...but as soon as he stepped off the bus, even if he had a good day he started picking fights literally over whether I'm walking too fast or to slow, the weather is nice or it isn't, and the sky is blue. Yes, really he has tried to argue with me about that. I came to grit my teeth and hate the time that he got home from school because this would start immediately and there went my nice bubble that I would like to live in all day long too. No matter how hard I tried to stay calm and patient and not take it personally, at some point I'd snap and end up stressed, shouting, feeling mad and upset the rest of the day. easy child/older brother would just disappear into his room for the rest of the day and shut the door, which made me even more sad. Things are better now. Not perfect but the negativity got better after we figured out some things about our difficult child, 1. a certain ADD medication made him super irritable, to the point of mania/crazy talk, until we switched and found one that did not make him so angry and unhappy about every little thing. So now we can actually have a disagreement and talk it out without immediately getting all the angry words, insults, provoking, shouting and (when I tried to reason back with logic) retreating into his room and shutting down. 2. He had a high level of constant anxiety & fear about school, esp. appearing stupid in front of the other kids (he has an IEP, but would rather keep failing every test than use his accommodations). His therapist thought his anxiety was holding him back even more than his Learning Disability (LD)'s. So now he also takes Intuniv at night; AM dose had him falling asleep in class. It seems to take an edge off, so he doesn't escalate straight from zero to cussing me out over daily stuff, like brushing teeth for example: this used to cause WW III every single morning and at first we thought it was a sensory thing, but now I think it was because he was already ramped up and stressed just thinking about the school day. 3. when he didn't eat a good lunch with-protein, only chips/drinks/candy, it was especially bad - he's only now beginning to understand/acknowledge there's a connection between what he eats and how it will make him feel later in terms of mood and ability to focus. 4. not that he'd listen to me about it, but he got from his peers and from health and P.E. class that for many people, exercise is stress relief, so we were able to convince him that if he feels bad he can go out on the trampoline and "jump it off" to feel better. He often does that by himself now without any prompting. 5. When we suggested that he might be happier at a different school, it just made it worse - he did like his school (and we do too), and he does have some good friends there who also live in our neighborhood (despite also having some bullies), and for him the idea of possibly switching schools was another constant source of anxiety. So we've been reassuring him we would not take him out against his wish, and I think that's helped too. Reading your daughter's list of things that are wrong at her school, it felt to me like no matter how good the school is (and yay for her that she did see some bright spots!), she could always come up with more things to be negative about because of her own internal stress that expresses itself that way. Taking it out on you that she is anxious, worried, stressed, feeling bad emotionally or physically or both, whatever it may be in her situation. I'm guessing it's her stress relief to try and pour all that negativity onto you and that's why some things on her list may not seem like rational complaints. My difficult child could go on forever until he was truly in the realm of ridiculous/irrational complaints, and that was a signal that he had bad feelings inside that he didn't know how else to express. I used to call myself his lightning rod - dumping bad vibes on me seemed to calm him down and make him feel better! Argh, that was so hard. I felt like a failure that I had such an unpleasant and oppositional kid. Sorry this is so long. Please take everything with-grain of salt. I just feel that I've been there too, so I would like to send you that bubble where your daughter's negative vibes can roll off the outside and not poke through. It's a nice place, quiet, warm, no storms get in. :-) (Boy does that bring back my own anxieties about middle school though. I feel for your daughter on some things I remember hating such as...those lockers...the bathrooms...the cliques...the homophobes, anti-Semites, all kinds of intolerance, even coming from some teachers...everyone else but me was skinny and looked good in their clothes... also, getting a public comment about your nice *** may not feel like a compliment, it may be rudeness/harassment depending on how it was said...middle school boys aren't known for being especially polite or respectful especially in groups, so maybe she might like to speak about that with a counselor she likes if it made her feel bad.) Warm wishes from the polar vortex (a.k.a. East Coast). [/QUOTE]
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