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Five years into an adoption and the issues keep getting more complicated for my 9 year old son
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 760373" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I think that Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is highly likely. He could also be very high functioning autistic. I have some ideas and some concrete things that may help. This is probably going to be a long reply. Bear with me.</p><p></p><p>First, I think you need to read"The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Then you need to read "Parenting With Love and Logic". I sort of combined these 2 things with my oldest. </p><p></p><p>You also need to have him evaluated for sensory integration disorder (also called sensory processing disorder). This is when your brain does not process input from your senses appropriately. It can truly feel like the entire world is attacking you. I know. I have this and so do all of my kids. The lovely thing? There are therapies that are proven to help the brain rewire how it processes sensory information. And it doesn't involve any medications. You need an occupational therapist to diagnose this and show you how to treat it. Brushing therapy is crucial. It involves taking a very soft brush (often an unsoaped surgical scrub brush) and brushing the body in a certain order followed by joint compressions. The difference in my kids with this therapy was astounding. The difference that I felt was astounding. You must be taught this by an occupational therapist because if you brush certain parts of the body it causes real problems like digestive problems. It is easy to learn though.</p><p></p><p>The other thing you do for sensory integration disorder is to provide a sensory diet. This means providing the kinds of sensations that meet his needs for sensory input. There are different types of sensory input, so you do different things depending on his challenges. As a parent, I loved providing the sensory diet for my kids. They are drawn to the types of sensory input that they need. So they think they are playing but you know that it is also therapy for them. This is the only kind of therapy that my oldest did not fight tooth and nail to avoid. The occupational therapist will help you figure out what types of sensations are needed. My kids all had sensory breaks at school. If they got overwhelmed by something, they could take a break to calm down with the sensory stimulation that they needed. They also were allowed to have things like fidget items in class. My oldest had a hard time paying attention unless his hands were busy. I got all kinds of fidget items for cheap at a party supply store. It contained a lot of things that were 3 or 4 times more expensive from occupational therapy supply stores. </p><p></p><p>To learn more about this disorder, read "The Out of Sync Child" by Kranowitz. Then get a copy of "The Out of Sync Child Has Fun" by the same author. The first book is very scientific and detailed. The second book is packed with ideas to provide sensory input for whatever sensations your child needs. I think every parent should have this book. It is soooooooo much fun! If I got ready to do an outside activity, I had every kid in the neighborhood in my yard along with half of the parents. I didn't notify any of the neighbors, but they still showed up just the same. We actually wore out several copies of this book over the years. Because it is just that much fun. Therapy that the kids really like is such a nice change, or at least it was for me. </p><p></p><p>He may also have auditory processing disorder. Kids with auditory processing don't learn as well online because it is so dependent on what you are hearing. His brain may not be able to connect what he hears to the meaning of what he hears. There are other ways for him to learn, but you have to work to figure them out. </p><p></p><p>I suggest you look closely at what he eats. I found that my kids were far less able to cope with the world if they didn't have enough protein. I kept protein bars everywhere. If my kids had a sugary snack on an empty stomach, existing near them was difficult. If they had enough protein, they coped much better with the world. They also felt better and felt better about themselves. After a while, they noticed the difference. They are all adults now and they still notice the difference. My kids noticed it so much that if we went into a store to buy a snack, they wanted protein bars rather than candy bars. Win win for me! If I did not give my youngest child a snack with a decent amount of protein in it right after school, we couldn't take him anywhere. He would get overwhelmed and go into an almost catatonic state where he did not react to anything in the world outside his head. He just shut down. My oldest son just got rude and cranky if he was low on protein. But it was really rude and really cranky and NOT socially acceptable behavior. We found that snacks/meals that had 40% carbs, 30% protein and 30% fat worked really well. </p><p></p><p>Your son will need logical consequences from his actions. With my kids, if they lied, cheated or stole to get something, they couldn't have it (or if they wanted to get out of it, they had to do it). Throw a fit over a video game? No more video games for a week. Over what is on television? No television for a few weeks. The more fits they threw, the longer they went without. You need real consistency no matter how pointless it seems at the time. My oldest said that by always following through with consequences, he knew he could trust us to keep him from really hurting anyone with his fits/bad behavior/whatevers. It made for some awful times, but as an adult he truly is appreciative that we followed through when we told him to stop or start doing something. He knew if I said it, I would get up and make it happen. Mostly because I would pretend not to know or see things if I didn't want to drop everything and go deal with it. I did have to teach my oldest son to stop tattling on himself because I just didn't want to deal with everything he thought to do. It took him waaaaaaay longer than it should have to learn to do this. Which always cracked his father and I up (in private, not around him). Because who has to give a kid lessons on not ratting himself out??? Apparently I did. </p><p></p><p>"Parenting with Love and Logic" teaches you to provide natural consequences for your child's actions. It isn't easy but it works. </p><p></p><p>With all the different doctors and therapists, you need to keep detailed and organized records. The link in my signature will take you to a thread about a Parent Report. It is also in the top thread or two of the General Forum. A Parent Report is a document you create about your child. You keep everything (and I mean everything!!!) in the report and you take it with you to all meetings about your child, no matter who the meetings are with. The thread about the report has an outline created by parents on this forum. I found this report to be the most powerful tool in my arsenal when it came to my kids. I could tell if a medication was tried already and what happened when we tried it. I could convey info to the doctors easily, which meant that each doctor was not trying to reinvent the wheel just because we were a new patient to them. I could show them what other doctors and therapists had done and were doing. It helped us make real progress. My middle child has other health issues and I used a Parent Report to keep her medical information all in one place. I strongly recommend that you write a Parent Report (as if you didn't have enough on your plate! But it really is worth it). </p><p></p><p>You also might want to read "Reality Therapy" by William Glasser. This is a therapy used in prisons all over the world. My Stepmother In Law travelled the world teaching this therapy to maximum security inmates with very long or life sentences. It helps you really see that your actions always have consequences. And it helps you decide if those consequences are worth doing whatever it is - BEFORE you do it. StepMIL would go in and teach a group of inmates this therapy. They used long term inmates for a reason. After the initial group learns to use the therapy, those inmates are taught to teach other inmates the therapy. It sets up a long term chain of figuring out that actions have consequences.</p><p></p><p>I know that sounds odd. How can people not know that actions have consequences? On some level people know this, but many of them are unable to connect the consequences to the actions. If I take a bite of chocolate cake, the consequences are getting that lovely taste in my mouth and all those calories that I need to burn off. If I hit myself in the hand with a hammer, my hand is going to hurt and may need medical care. You would be shocked at how many adults have not learned this lesson. Reality Therapy can help people make those connections in their brains. And it works faster than you would think. </p><p></p><p>I hope this isn't too overwhelming. If you have questions, feel free to reach out. I really hope things get better for you and your family. I do think that sending him away from you would be a very bad thing, especially if he has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). But it could be some type of autism or some other problem. I think my oldest had every possible diagnosis under the sun at one time or other. It was a real alphabet soup that I needed to keep straight.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 760373, member: 1233"] I think that Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is highly likely. He could also be very high functioning autistic. I have some ideas and some concrete things that may help. This is probably going to be a long reply. Bear with me. First, I think you need to read"The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Then you need to read "Parenting With Love and Logic". I sort of combined these 2 things with my oldest. You also need to have him evaluated for sensory integration disorder (also called sensory processing disorder). This is when your brain does not process input from your senses appropriately. It can truly feel like the entire world is attacking you. I know. I have this and so do all of my kids. The lovely thing? There are therapies that are proven to help the brain rewire how it processes sensory information. And it doesn't involve any medications. You need an occupational therapist to diagnose this and show you how to treat it. Brushing therapy is crucial. It involves taking a very soft brush (often an unsoaped surgical scrub brush) and brushing the body in a certain order followed by joint compressions. The difference in my kids with this therapy was astounding. The difference that I felt was astounding. You must be taught this by an occupational therapist because if you brush certain parts of the body it causes real problems like digestive problems. It is easy to learn though. The other thing you do for sensory integration disorder is to provide a sensory diet. This means providing the kinds of sensations that meet his needs for sensory input. There are different types of sensory input, so you do different things depending on his challenges. As a parent, I loved providing the sensory diet for my kids. They are drawn to the types of sensory input that they need. So they think they are playing but you know that it is also therapy for them. This is the only kind of therapy that my oldest did not fight tooth and nail to avoid. The occupational therapist will help you figure out what types of sensations are needed. My kids all had sensory breaks at school. If they got overwhelmed by something, they could take a break to calm down with the sensory stimulation that they needed. They also were allowed to have things like fidget items in class. My oldest had a hard time paying attention unless his hands were busy. I got all kinds of fidget items for cheap at a party supply store. It contained a lot of things that were 3 or 4 times more expensive from occupational therapy supply stores. To learn more about this disorder, read "The Out of Sync Child" by Kranowitz. Then get a copy of "The Out of Sync Child Has Fun" by the same author. The first book is very scientific and detailed. The second book is packed with ideas to provide sensory input for whatever sensations your child needs. I think every parent should have this book. It is soooooooo much fun! If I got ready to do an outside activity, I had every kid in the neighborhood in my yard along with half of the parents. I didn't notify any of the neighbors, but they still showed up just the same. We actually wore out several copies of this book over the years. Because it is just that much fun. Therapy that the kids really like is such a nice change, or at least it was for me. He may also have auditory processing disorder. Kids with auditory processing don't learn as well online because it is so dependent on what you are hearing. His brain may not be able to connect what he hears to the meaning of what he hears. There are other ways for him to learn, but you have to work to figure them out. I suggest you look closely at what he eats. I found that my kids were far less able to cope with the world if they didn't have enough protein. I kept protein bars everywhere. If my kids had a sugary snack on an empty stomach, existing near them was difficult. If they had enough protein, they coped much better with the world. They also felt better and felt better about themselves. After a while, they noticed the difference. They are all adults now and they still notice the difference. My kids noticed it so much that if we went into a store to buy a snack, they wanted protein bars rather than candy bars. Win win for me! If I did not give my youngest child a snack with a decent amount of protein in it right after school, we couldn't take him anywhere. He would get overwhelmed and go into an almost catatonic state where he did not react to anything in the world outside his head. He just shut down. My oldest son just got rude and cranky if he was low on protein. But it was really rude and really cranky and NOT socially acceptable behavior. We found that snacks/meals that had 40% carbs, 30% protein and 30% fat worked really well. Your son will need logical consequences from his actions. With my kids, if they lied, cheated or stole to get something, they couldn't have it (or if they wanted to get out of it, they had to do it). Throw a fit over a video game? No more video games for a week. Over what is on television? No television for a few weeks. The more fits they threw, the longer they went without. You need real consistency no matter how pointless it seems at the time. My oldest said that by always following through with consequences, he knew he could trust us to keep him from really hurting anyone with his fits/bad behavior/whatevers. It made for some awful times, but as an adult he truly is appreciative that we followed through when we told him to stop or start doing something. He knew if I said it, I would get up and make it happen. Mostly because I would pretend not to know or see things if I didn't want to drop everything and go deal with it. I did have to teach my oldest son to stop tattling on himself because I just didn't want to deal with everything he thought to do. It took him waaaaaaay longer than it should have to learn to do this. Which always cracked his father and I up (in private, not around him). Because who has to give a kid lessons on not ratting himself out??? Apparently I did. "Parenting with Love and Logic" teaches you to provide natural consequences for your child's actions. It isn't easy but it works. With all the different doctors and therapists, you need to keep detailed and organized records. The link in my signature will take you to a thread about a Parent Report. It is also in the top thread or two of the General Forum. A Parent Report is a document you create about your child. You keep everything (and I mean everything!!!) in the report and you take it with you to all meetings about your child, no matter who the meetings are with. The thread about the report has an outline created by parents on this forum. I found this report to be the most powerful tool in my arsenal when it came to my kids. I could tell if a medication was tried already and what happened when we tried it. I could convey info to the doctors easily, which meant that each doctor was not trying to reinvent the wheel just because we were a new patient to them. I could show them what other doctors and therapists had done and were doing. It helped us make real progress. My middle child has other health issues and I used a Parent Report to keep her medical information all in one place. I strongly recommend that you write a Parent Report (as if you didn't have enough on your plate! But it really is worth it). You also might want to read "Reality Therapy" by William Glasser. This is a therapy used in prisons all over the world. My Stepmother In Law travelled the world teaching this therapy to maximum security inmates with very long or life sentences. It helps you really see that your actions always have consequences. And it helps you decide if those consequences are worth doing whatever it is - BEFORE you do it. StepMIL would go in and teach a group of inmates this therapy. They used long term inmates for a reason. After the initial group learns to use the therapy, those inmates are taught to teach other inmates the therapy. It sets up a long term chain of figuring out that actions have consequences. I know that sounds odd. How can people not know that actions have consequences? On some level people know this, but many of them are unable to connect the consequences to the actions. If I take a bite of chocolate cake, the consequences are getting that lovely taste in my mouth and all those calories that I need to burn off. If I hit myself in the hand with a hammer, my hand is going to hurt and may need medical care. You would be shocked at how many adults have not learned this lesson. Reality Therapy can help people make those connections in their brains. And it works faster than you would think. I hope this isn't too overwhelming. If you have questions, feel free to reach out. I really hope things get better for you and your family. I do think that sending him away from you would be a very bad thing, especially if he has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). But it could be some type of autism or some other problem. I think my oldest had every possible diagnosis under the sun at one time or other. It was a real alphabet soup that I needed to keep straight. [/QUOTE]
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Five years into an adoption and the issues keep getting more complicated for my 9 year old son
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