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For Cedar or anyone: My dad did it again...
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 650892" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Shock and awe.</p><p></p><p>I figured this out about my own sister. She calls at her convenience and messes up my day. I never know when it is coming. I know it will be full of lies, and I know I will feel sickly because I know she doesn't love me and I can't figure out why she is calling.</p><p></p><p>Except in the secret darkness of what could be the worst thing?</p><p></p><p>I do know.</p><p></p><p>I just don't want to know.</p><p></p><p>But she will hurt me, or my children, if she can do it, so I have to look, and I have to know.</p><p></p><p>And so do you.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>What a slime bucket. It would be one thing if she had been honest. But she wasn't. She made sure you would know your father told her. That was the purpose of the text. It was a sick version of "I win." What she won was that you don't want her to know anything about you. She has lost that right. </p><p></p><p>And she wants you to know she violated your rule.</p><p></p><p>She climbed right on top, didn't she.</p><p></p><p>Biatch.</p><p></p><p>(Play that clip from Forrest Gump here. AHAHAHA!!! YOU WILL NEVER. SINK. THIS. BOAT!!!)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You are right.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>In this about your father, you may not be right. About the embarrassment, you are given a place to recognize a wounding and heal it.</p><p></p><p>In our families of origin, the currency is whatever will give the predator a perceived edge. The edge is a thing of their own valuing, and so, we don't get it. It is scary to us, because we don't know why they are after us, and we don't know how to tell when it is over and we don't get what it is that constitutes a win. Our minds don't work quite that way and so, we are forever at a disadvantage when it comes to ferreting out a correct response. I don't know so much about that, but I do know a predator ceaselessly sifts the waters, endlessly and perpetually has a kind of radar out to catch anything remotely like prey. Your father may have been (probably was) tricked into revealing something he knew that was a sacred trust between you and him.</p><p></p><p>Or he may have participated willingly.</p><p></p><p>I think he did not participate willingly.</p><p></p><p>I think he was tricked by a skilled predator into revealing a sacred trust. I think that because your sister mentioned your mutual father, first, in her message to you.</p><p></p><p>She was slicing into an old territorial wound you don't understand, but upon which she has built her identity. I see the same kind of thing in my sister. I don't get it, either.</p><p></p><p>But I know it is there.</p><p></p><p>If the loyalty of our mutual mother, or, when he was alive, our mutual father could be made to seem focused on my sister ~ and here is the part that seems important ~ <em>to the exclusion of the other children, and of their children and even, of their pets or jobs or houses or appearances ~</em> that is what the predatory sibling wants. But the strange thing is that even when there is reason to believe they have attained the undivided attention or loyalty of the parent in question...the joy of it, the joy of what they believe themselves to have accomplished, can only come true for them when they can wave their perceived win in our faces. It isn't enough for them to feel loved, they need to feel loved more than. It isn't enough for them to feel loved more than, they need to feel that you know you are less than; that you are destroyed, even. </p><p></p><p>You, or me, in my family, need to be destroyed, need to be non-existent to the parent.</p><p></p><p>I don't get why they are so focused on the parent, either.</p><p></p><p>But it skews the balance of the family, and assures there will be no healing.</p><p></p><p>Those are terrible things to say, I know.</p><p></p><p>But that is what it seems like to me.</p><p></p><p>It explains why the things that happen in my family of origin happen.</p><p></p><p>Maybe it does.</p><p></p><p>I don't know about that. But I do know you are a thousand times correct in your assessment of what is happening, here.</p><p></p><p>Good for you. Knowing is better than not knowing.</p><p></p><p>You don't know this yet, MWM, but you are no longer vulnerable to your sister in any way. This thing that is happening now is an echo. She is throwing out bait.</p><p></p><p>You are smarter, more empathic, more honest than she is.</p><p></p><p>Those are your tools, and you know how to use them to set yourself on the right course. You cannot (and I cannot) change these patterns. We can see them, and acknowledge our situations. And from that information, we can choose.</p><p></p><p>That is why we are no longer vulnerable to our predatory sibs.</p><p></p><p>It is easy to forget that. We have been blasted by them, the sneaky little jerks, for all of our lives and we never were able to see them for who they were before.</p><p></p><p>Believe.</p><p></p><p>It is true.</p><p></p><p>This is exactly what it looks and feels and smells like.</p><p></p><p>Sucks to be us.</p><p></p><p>But not that much.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><em>And this is what the sister wants.</em></p><p></p><p>Possible to call the father and tell him you love him and that none of this matters, compared to that?</p><p></p><p>Next time, you will know. (And there will be a next time. I am learning that, with my own sister.) </p><p></p><p>That is why the sister texted you as she did.</p><p></p><p>To reach in and ruin your relationship with your father. </p><p></p><p>Never let them see you sweat.</p><p></p><p>Stand right up.</p><p></p><p>You are amazing. That is what she hates.</p><p></p><p>Sucks to be her.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is your father. You should, for his sake and for your own, be able to freely share the events of your lives.</p><p></p><p>It is the sister who is the evil one here.</p><p></p><p>But that is never going to change.</p><p></p><p>Sucks, as someone very wise once said, to be her.</p><p></p><p>Especially now that we know who she is.</p><p></p><p>I am so glad you sent your father the pictures. Like it is with our kids, we love them where we can with all that is right and good and generous in us.</p><p></p><p>I have to go to work.</p><p></p><p>More, later.</p><p></p><p>C.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 650892, member: 17461"] Shock and awe. I figured this out about my own sister. She calls at her convenience and messes up my day. I never know when it is coming. I know it will be full of lies, and I know I will feel sickly because I know she doesn't love me and I can't figure out why she is calling. Except in the secret darkness of what could be the worst thing? I do know. I just don't want to know. But she will hurt me, or my children, if she can do it, so I have to look, and I have to know. And so do you. What a slime bucket. It would be one thing if she had been honest. But she wasn't. She made sure you would know your father told her. That was the purpose of the text. It was a sick version of "I win." What she won was that you don't want her to know anything about you. She has lost that right. And she wants you to know she violated your rule. She climbed right on top, didn't she. Biatch. (Play that clip from Forrest Gump here. AHAHAHA!!! YOU WILL NEVER. SINK. THIS. BOAT!!!) You are right. In this about your father, you may not be right. About the embarrassment, you are given a place to recognize a wounding and heal it. In our families of origin, the currency is whatever will give the predator a perceived edge. The edge is a thing of their own valuing, and so, we don't get it. It is scary to us, because we don't know why they are after us, and we don't know how to tell when it is over and we don't get what it is that constitutes a win. Our minds don't work quite that way and so, we are forever at a disadvantage when it comes to ferreting out a correct response. I don't know so much about that, but I do know a predator ceaselessly sifts the waters, endlessly and perpetually has a kind of radar out to catch anything remotely like prey. Your father may have been (probably was) tricked into revealing something he knew that was a sacred trust between you and him. Or he may have participated willingly. I think he did not participate willingly. I think he was tricked by a skilled predator into revealing a sacred trust. I think that because your sister mentioned your mutual father, first, in her message to you. She was slicing into an old territorial wound you don't understand, but upon which she has built her identity. I see the same kind of thing in my sister. I don't get it, either. But I know it is there. If the loyalty of our mutual mother, or, when he was alive, our mutual father could be made to seem focused on my sister ~ and here is the part that seems important ~ [I]to the exclusion of the other children, and of their children and even, of their pets or jobs or houses or appearances ~[/I] that is what the predatory sibling wants. But the strange thing is that even when there is reason to believe they have attained the undivided attention or loyalty of the parent in question...the joy of it, the joy of what they believe themselves to have accomplished, can only come true for them when they can wave their perceived win in our faces. It isn't enough for them to feel loved, they need to feel loved more than. It isn't enough for them to feel loved more than, they need to feel that you know you are less than; that you are destroyed, even. You, or me, in my family, need to be destroyed, need to be non-existent to the parent. I don't get why they are so focused on the parent, either. But it skews the balance of the family, and assures there will be no healing. Those are terrible things to say, I know. But that is what it seems like to me. It explains why the things that happen in my family of origin happen. Maybe it does. I don't know about that. But I do know you are a thousand times correct in your assessment of what is happening, here. Good for you. Knowing is better than not knowing. You don't know this yet, MWM, but you are no longer vulnerable to your sister in any way. This thing that is happening now is an echo. She is throwing out bait. You are smarter, more empathic, more honest than she is. Those are your tools, and you know how to use them to set yourself on the right course. You cannot (and I cannot) change these patterns. We can see them, and acknowledge our situations. And from that information, we can choose. That is why we are no longer vulnerable to our predatory sibs. It is easy to forget that. We have been blasted by them, the sneaky little jerks, for all of our lives and we never were able to see them for who they were before. Believe. It is true. This is exactly what it looks and feels and smells like. Sucks to be us. But not that much. :O) Cedar [I]And this is what the sister wants.[/I] Possible to call the father and tell him you love him and that none of this matters, compared to that? Next time, you will know. (And there will be a next time. I am learning that, with my own sister.) That is why the sister texted you as she did. To reach in and ruin your relationship with your father. Never let them see you sweat. Stand right up. You are amazing. That is what she hates. Sucks to be her. :O) That is your father. You should, for his sake and for your own, be able to freely share the events of your lives. It is the sister who is the evil one here. But that is never going to change. Sucks, as someone very wise once said, to be her. Especially now that we know who she is. I am so glad you sent your father the pictures. Like it is with our kids, we love them where we can with all that is right and good and generous in us. I have to go to work. More, later. C. [/QUOTE]
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For Cedar or anyone: My dad did it again...
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