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"Friends"...why is it so hard to get away from them?
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 638487" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>"No contact" may not be desirable outcome for all parents. For me it would be about the second worst outcome with my kid (him being dead would be the worst.) I have had a "no contact" phase with other troubled loved one in my life, in fact several phases, some lasting over a decade, some just few years, and while some of those times have been necessary, they have never been a gift. They have been lesser of two evils or option with least cost for me personally or damage control, but always that has come with huge cost to me too and also for him (though he hasn't always been that aware of the cost because his personality disorder, serious drug and alcohol addictions and other issues that have made him less than aware.) Currently we are back in contact and while it comes with the cost (and cost is likely to go up again in some time in future, it always does with him) gains of having that contact tremendously outweigh the costs. Of course to get there, I have had to get to stronger footing with myself, so that I can bear the costs that come with associations with him. But if I couldn't handle the costs, I wouldn't get the gains either. But this is of course is personal choice and also depends from the situation. But 'No Contact' certainly isn't the best answer for all.</p><p></p><p>However, learning to say no to his friends, and finding better friends, is something your son has to learn to do now that he is an adult. If he asks for your advice, those tend to be cheap to give, but while it was a good idea to play the bad guy when he was still a kid, he is an adult now and has to learn to handle it on himself. For many it is very difficult thing to learn. My difficult child has also struggled with it a lot. He was severely bullied as a kid and didn't really have any friends till later teens, so he has been eager to do about anything just so that someone would be friendly with him. He did have some 'friends' who were bad influence at his teens, but because of difficult child's life situations, most people he has hanged out after that have been so called good kids. That of course haven't stopped them taking advantage of the difficult child and his inability to stand his ground. He was almost twenty when he was able to tell the friend no for the first time, and I have to say he needed a lot of coaching to do so from people around him, who were not trying to take advantage of him and were worried about the situation. Me or my husband were not involved in that 'coaching' but professionals helping him and some of his older friends and acquaintances who were worried about his welfare. </p><p></p><p>Your son may need some guidance to learn to sort this kind of things out, but it is healthier, if it doesn't come from you. Does he recognize he has a problem with managing his life? Is there possibility to have counselling available for him in any way or form with affordable cost for him (or you if it would be something you would be willing to help him with)? Would he consider it an option? </p><p></p><p>This is not something you can do for him, but sometimes things like this can be something parents can assist their adult children to acquire tools to learn to handle it on their own.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 638487, member: 14557"] "No contact" may not be desirable outcome for all parents. For me it would be about the second worst outcome with my kid (him being dead would be the worst.) I have had a "no contact" phase with other troubled loved one in my life, in fact several phases, some lasting over a decade, some just few years, and while some of those times have been necessary, they have never been a gift. They have been lesser of two evils or option with least cost for me personally or damage control, but always that has come with huge cost to me too and also for him (though he hasn't always been that aware of the cost because his personality disorder, serious drug and alcohol addictions and other issues that have made him less than aware.) Currently we are back in contact and while it comes with the cost (and cost is likely to go up again in some time in future, it always does with him) gains of having that contact tremendously outweigh the costs. Of course to get there, I have had to get to stronger footing with myself, so that I can bear the costs that come with associations with him. But if I couldn't handle the costs, I wouldn't get the gains either. But this is of course is personal choice and also depends from the situation. But 'No Contact' certainly isn't the best answer for all. However, learning to say no to his friends, and finding better friends, is something your son has to learn to do now that he is an adult. If he asks for your advice, those tend to be cheap to give, but while it was a good idea to play the bad guy when he was still a kid, he is an adult now and has to learn to handle it on himself. For many it is very difficult thing to learn. My difficult child has also struggled with it a lot. He was severely bullied as a kid and didn't really have any friends till later teens, so he has been eager to do about anything just so that someone would be friendly with him. He did have some 'friends' who were bad influence at his teens, but because of difficult child's life situations, most people he has hanged out after that have been so called good kids. That of course haven't stopped them taking advantage of the difficult child and his inability to stand his ground. He was almost twenty when he was able to tell the friend no for the first time, and I have to say he needed a lot of coaching to do so from people around him, who were not trying to take advantage of him and were worried about the situation. Me or my husband were not involved in that 'coaching' but professionals helping him and some of his older friends and acquaintances who were worried about his welfare. Your son may need some guidance to learn to sort this kind of things out, but it is healthier, if it doesn't come from you. Does he recognize he has a problem with managing his life? Is there possibility to have counselling available for him in any way or form with affordable cost for him (or you if it would be something you would be willing to help him with)? Would he consider it an option? This is not something you can do for him, but sometimes things like this can be something parents can assist their adult children to acquire tools to learn to handle it on their own. [/QUOTE]
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"Friends"...why is it so hard to get away from them?
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