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"Friends"...why is it so hard to get away from them?
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<blockquote data-quote="Lil" data-source="post: 638525" data-attributes="member: 17309"><p>I think I was getting a little defensive here for a bit, then my husband and I had a chat on the phone and I realized we need to remember that, while I'm sure you all have our best interest at heart, you folks have different experiences of your own that color your opinions, as does everyone, including Jabber and me.</p><p> </p><p>Our son has stolen from us, more than once. It hurts. But while we aren't wealthy, it wasn't as though it was financially crippling. He's 19, not 40. It wasn't thousands of dollars. He was warned when he came home this summer and when we realized he'd done it again, we took action. He's screwed up, but he's not a sociopath. He lies, but he doesn't try to turn it into being our fault somehow. He doesn't throw up blame on us. He's not going to financially devastate us or leave us homeless.</p><p> </p><p>He's got his share of anger issues, but we're not afraid of him. He's never shown violence toward us and we would never have tolerated it if he had. For all his tantrums and punching of doors and walls, he's never made us fear for our own well being. When we told him to pack and leave, he did so quietly and apologetically and never even tried to argue about it.</p><p> </p><p>He loves his pot and such, but he's not doing meth or shooting heroin. He's not stealing our liquor. We're not coming home to someone passed out on the floor or in a drug induced frenzy.</p><p> </p><p>My point is, we don't have to cut all contact to protect ourselves, either financially or physically. Putting him out has been hard and it will continue to be hard. But we are not in the same situation that some of you have found yourselves in...not yet at least...and we hope that having to be out on his own and learning to deal with his own problems and finding his own job and seeing his counselor (or not...all his choice except for being out of the house), will be sufficient to nip things in the bud before he morphs into something worse. In our case, we feel leaving him mostly alone to work things out on his own, while letting him know we <em>do love</em> him and this is hard on us too, but we<em> don't trust</em> him and we <em>won't tolerate</em> his behavior anymore, is best. If we want to give him a warm coat or feed him a meal, we will, on our terms - not his. We've told him before, that we owe him nothing; what we do for him we do out of love. Perhaps having those things be rare and special gifts will finally get that through his head.</p><p> </p><p>The lines of communication <em>will </em>remain open, but with a healthy dose of skepticism about what he says to us being on the level. Where we go from there will in large part be up to him and what he does. How long he's out is up in the air. The shelter lets you stay 90 days. He should be able to get a job and save up enough money to get his own place. We'll see how he does. He's not coming back any time soon, we have time to discuss and decide.</p><p> </p><p>Again, the point of even starting this thread, which I've regretted more than a few times in the last day, was to just kind of vent about how hard it is for him to get away from these "friends" of his and to express my worry that putting him out might have driven him right back to people he was trying to distance himself from. I really wasn't even looking for opinions on what to do about it, because there's nothing I <em>can</em> do. But it was n<em>Occupational Therapist (OT) </em>the point to rehash whether we'd done the right thing in putting him out of the house or if we should do more. I think we've done the right thing. We're going to continue to try to.</p><p> </p><p>I really do thank you all for your thoughts and willingness to offer advice and counsel from your own perspectives.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lil, post: 638525, member: 17309"] I think I was getting a little defensive here for a bit, then my husband and I had a chat on the phone and I realized we need to remember that, while I'm sure you all have our best interest at heart, you folks have different experiences of your own that color your opinions, as does everyone, including Jabber and me. Our son has stolen from us, more than once. It hurts. But while we aren't wealthy, it wasn't as though it was financially crippling. He's 19, not 40. It wasn't thousands of dollars. He was warned when he came home this summer and when we realized he'd done it again, we took action. He's screwed up, but he's not a sociopath. He lies, but he doesn't try to turn it into being our fault somehow. He doesn't throw up blame on us. He's not going to financially devastate us or leave us homeless. He's got his share of anger issues, but we're not afraid of him. He's never shown violence toward us and we would never have tolerated it if he had. For all his tantrums and punching of doors and walls, he's never made us fear for our own well being. When we told him to pack and leave, he did so quietly and apologetically and never even tried to argue about it. He loves his pot and such, but he's not doing meth or shooting heroin. He's not stealing our liquor. We're not coming home to someone passed out on the floor or in a drug induced frenzy. My point is, we don't have to cut all contact to protect ourselves, either financially or physically. Putting him out has been hard and it will continue to be hard. But we are not in the same situation that some of you have found yourselves in...not yet at least...and we hope that having to be out on his own and learning to deal with his own problems and finding his own job and seeing his counselor (or not...all his choice except for being out of the house), will be sufficient to nip things in the bud before he morphs into something worse. In our case, we feel leaving him mostly alone to work things out on his own, while letting him know we [I]do love[/I] him and this is hard on us too, but we[I] don't trust[/I] him and we [I]won't tolerate[/I] his behavior anymore, is best. If we want to give him a warm coat or feed him a meal, we will, on our terms - not his. We've told him before, that we owe him nothing; what we do for him we do out of love. Perhaps having those things be rare and special gifts will finally get that through his head. The lines of communication [I]will [/I]remain open, but with a healthy dose of skepticism about what he says to us being on the level. Where we go from there will in large part be up to him and what he does. How long he's out is up in the air. The shelter lets you stay 90 days. He should be able to get a job and save up enough money to get his own place. We'll see how he does. He's not coming back any time soon, we have time to discuss and decide. Again, the point of even starting this thread, which I've regretted more than a few times in the last day, was to just kind of vent about how hard it is for him to get away from these "friends" of his and to express my worry that putting him out might have driven him right back to people he was trying to distance himself from. I really wasn't even looking for opinions on what to do about it, because there's nothing I [I]can[/I] do. But it was n[I]Occupational Therapist (OT) [/I]the point to rehash whether we'd done the right thing in putting him out of the house or if we should do more. I think we've done the right thing. We're going to continue to try to. I really do thank you all for your thoughts and willingness to offer advice and counsel from your own perspectives. [/QUOTE]
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